Dear Diary,Things move apace. The wedding shall be Thursday. Who would have thought that I, Wayne Austen would be involved in two hymenial happenings in as many months with two different women, one of whom turned out to be more different than anyone had foreseen?The Clamps arrived today. Mrs Norris has arranged them accomodation at the Inn in the village. Farmer Clamp insists on bearing his cock wherever he goes and is loathe to let it go. He is very much attached to it and it seems Mrs Norris had to be quite persuasive at the Inn in acquiring permission for it to flap freely about their premises. I was out in the garden this afternoon searching for Willow, who appears somewhat distant at present, when I was mounted from behind by Father's Todger. I grant you it is not the first time that such an occurence has taken place but it was the last thing I expected at that moment. I turned to find Father standing behind me with a disapproving look."Wayne, I cannot hide my disappointment" He spoke sternly."I know," I shrugged, " If only I had visited Violet the Violator and her donkey friend instead." He coloured slightly and then patting my shoulder said,"Well, you know you can always count on me in your hour of need.""As a matter of fact," I replied, " there is something you can do for me. Could you keep a secret?" Then I laughed. "Oh, how silly of me! Of course you can!"
Dear Diary,Forgive my absence but I am returned, though I doubt you knew I was away.It seems that Ned was not the only one making plans, when I last adorned your pages with my inky nib. Early Friday morning, with little warning or compunction, I was carried away by Barouche for "my own good". I have spent the last few days in enforced contemplation, behind the walls of Ballbanger Abbey. My Mother and Mrs Norris, thought it best that it should be so, and hopefully, in the 'quiet' and 'solitude' therein, repent of my indiscretion. Quiet!? If I hear another bell toll I fear I shall scream, grab Ned's chopper and run amok! As for solitude...well, news of my 'new' reputation has travelled far and fast, even beyond the Abbey walls. I barely had a free moment, when there was not some postulant encroaching upon my sanctuary, offering to kneel before me and show me the way to Heaven.There was nothing to repent and little to contemplate, except to say that I shall accede to Ned's plan. Things could hardly get any worse.
Dear Diary,Enough is enough!The truth must out! I found Ned running his hands over Python's fetlocks in the stable. "The time has come for probity Ned!" He looked startled and backed up against the wall. "You must show your rectitude." He whimpered, strangely. "Are you ready to be upstanding?" I enquired."I.....er.....well, er.....I dunno. I've got a bit of a headache at the moment," he said."You must go and own up to your indiscretion with Titty. Admit that you are the Father. It is what we should have done from the start. As it is the scandal that is building now is far greater than it would have been if we had been honest from the start. It is my reputation that is at stake here, and all for what?"He sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "Mr Austen, I am a simple man," he said. (I could not argue with that.) "Forgive me, if I speak honestly but I love my daughter and I only want the best for her and is it not true that she has a better chance in this life as your daughter than my own?"He had a point."But my reputation?" I repeated."Can I be honest again, Sir?" He looked more serious than I had ever seen him before. I nodded. "You are, well, you're a bit wet, begging your pardon, and I think if we play this out, it will give you a bit of a reputation, yes but, if I may be so bold as to suggest, you might be perceived to be......more of a man.""But I can't marry Titty." I spluttered."Ah, well....no.....I have another plan," he 'wanked'.
Dear Diary,How sometimes I wish I were not me. I receive disapproving stares from everyone where'er I go. Even Ned said "How could you Mr Austen?""It just slipped out," I moaned."Yes, and into my Titty," he scowled."What are you talking about?" I said. "You don't think I am actually the father of the child!""Well, you said you were." He looked confused."I made it up, on the spur of the moment, you buffoon! To prevent them from taking your baby away!"Mrs Norris and Mother were in conference most of the day. I suspect they are trying to avoid the scandal getting out. "Well, if that Fanny Tickler opens her mouth as easily as her legs," said Ned, "you're buggered!"I took some air in the garden and was discovered by Reverend Peacock. "I have just come from speaking with Mrs Norris and your Mother, Mr Austen." He smiled, kindly and then dropped his eyes from my face, shyly."I would like to marry you Mr Austen."I was stunned. I could not believe my ears. My heart was beating wildly. I reached out and grasped his arm and tried to regulate my breathing."I am truly flattered, Mr Peacock. Oh, if only you could." I breathed."Well, I can," he said. "All we need is you and Titty. She is the mother isn't she? And I am allowed to conduct a wedding you know."
Dear Diary,I barely slept. I had been unable to catch Ned alone to tell him of Annie's impending departure until this morning but came down and found him dusting Mrs Norris's bust in the hallway. I approached him and whispered;"Ned, I have urgent news!"At that moment Mrs Norris emerged from the Sitting Room."Be careful with that Ted, it is a work of art." She disappeared into the parlour."Fart? Who's Fart?" Asked Ned.Before I could pummel his uneducated head, Mrs Norris re-emerged from the parlour."Come here Jed. My nick-nacks have need of your duster," and he dutifully followed.I had wanted to discuss the matter with Ned before Titty was informed but when I came across her rocking Annie in her arms in the garden, I blurted it out...and then wished I hadn't.She let out such a cry that a peacock close by echoed her. She was very distraught and begged for my help. I said that I would and assured her all would be well but I had no idea how I was to proceed.I was on my way up the stairs to find Willow and ask for his help when the knock came upon the door. Fanny Tickler, the housekeeper opened the door and there stood the Reverend Peacock and a dour looking woman in a tatty bonnet. Miss Tickler showed them in and at that moment Mrs Norris emerged from the sitting room clutching her Winky. Mother appeared next to me on the landing followed by Willow carrying a tray of breakfast things. As he began to descend the stairs, Ned emerged from the parlour and Titty entered from outside, behind the Reverend.Everyone's attention turned upon her and she let out a pityful wail of "Oh no!" and clutched Annie tightly. Ned looked up at me bemused and Willow came to a halt halfway down the stairs."Don't be silly dear, hand the child over," said Mrs Norris, "Tis for the best."Titty stepped back and tightened her grip upon her daughter and then she looked up at me with such fear in her eyes. The dour woman stepped forward and held out her arms."Wait!" I called. "The child has.... head lice."The dour woman paused and looked at me. She smiled and her grin was more gap than teeth. "No matter Sir," she laughed, "They will be company for the others at the Poor House." She stepped forward again."Wait!" I called again, "The child has...ricketts!"Everyone's attention turned back to me. Ned's bemusement was obviously infectious. The dour woman paused again briefly but then, with an irritated sigh, reached out and took hold of the baby. Titty screamed. The baby wailed. Winky yapped. Mother gasped and Mrs Norris ordered Titty to release the child. The noise rose to a cacophony."Enough!" I cried above the din. "The child is mine!" There was sudden silence and then the breakfast things clattered down the stairs as Willow dropped the tray. Mrs Norris dropped Winky with a gasp and staggered backwards to grasp the plinth upon which her bust rested. It wobbled momentarily and then fell to the floor with a crash and shattered.Again a stunned silence fell upon the gathering and then..."Oh dear!" Said Ned, "Fart's not going to be pleased."
Dear Diary,Willow was teaching me how to blow his pink oboe when we espied the Reverend Drew Peacock approaching the hall. "I wonder what brings him here?" Willow spoke mine own thoughts. "Shall I go down?" I wondered aloud."If you must," said Willow, "but you were just making progress before our distraction and your lip technique is much improved. I say we press on here. What say you?""Indeed, you are right," I smiled. "Whatever it is I am sure we shall hear of it later."I continued my tutoring for quite some time and all thoughts of the Reverend had slipped my mind when there was a rapping upon the study door.Removing my lips from Willow's instrument, I called, "Enter."In stepped the Reverend Peacock. He bowed slightly and smiled "Mr Woofter, Mr Austen, Forgive my interuption. I am just come to bid you good day before I return home." I nodded in return yet Willow looked somewhat vexed. There was a heavy pause and then the Reverend spoke again;"I must say that is a fine looking instrument you have there, Mr Austen. Is it your own?""No, it's Mr Woofter's," I replied."Well, it is fine. Very fine indeed." Another awkward silence ensued, then;"Most fine....." said the Reverend. "Well, I shall be off. I just came to discuss the baby with Mrs Norris but now I leave.""The baby?" I queried then replaced the oboe to my lips."Indeed, baby Annie. I am happy to report that I have made enquiries and the poor house in Pimpton will take her tomorrow."The sudden blast that came from the oboe even startled me!
Dear Diary,This morning the whole household ventured into the village of Far Corfe to attend the morning service at the Chapel of St Peter on the Hoar. I managed to both distance myself from Mrs Norris and her horrendous caterwauling and find a pew just in front of Willow. When the Reverend Peacock emerged in his crisp white vestments and mounted the pulpit, I almost forgot to breathe. If ever there was an angel upon the earth then surely it is he. His blonde hair shone in the ray of sunlight streaming in through the painted glass window behind him and his eyes were the colour of cornflowers. He raised his hand and an organ swelled and I felt it's vibration travel through me. "Let us sing Glory be to God on high," he announced. Oh, how I did. Willow, as I expected has a beautiful voice and it's mellow sound filled my ears during the hymns. I cannot remember enjoying a service more than that of today, with Willow behind and the Reverend Peacock before. Annie became restless during the sermon, who's theme appeared to be 'Don't let worry kill you - Allow the Church to help' and after a loud 'tut' from Mrs Norris and a vexed glance, Titty slipped out with her.When the service was over we all hung back to allow the regular parishioners to leave and then Mrs Norris introduced my Mother, Fanny and I to the Reverend Peacock. He smiled warmly and hoped we felt welcome in his parish. I wanted to enquire about his organ but decided it was far too soon to be so bold and yet fortuitously after we had bid him a 'good day' and turned to leave, he unexpectedly called me back."Oh, Mr Austen, Mr Woofter has informed me of your fondness for organs. Please feel free to avail yourself of mine when'er the fancy takes you."Can you imagine how I felt upon hearing those words?"That is most kind of you, Reverend Peacock," I replied, "I should like to very much.""There are no need for formalities after the service, Wayne. Please, call me Drew," he said.
Feel like I’m swimming in a sea of stars
Bright constellations always moving
If I could only chart a course to where you are I wouldn’t be so lost
Feel like I’m drifting on a swirling tide
A solitary kind of island
I won’t be a homeless traveller anymore
Once our paths have crossed
So I stand, face to the wind
Oh dreams, impossibilities, I’ll just drink them in
Till I am full of the taste of you
Feels like I am drowning in a million tears
Tears I have cried because I miss you
Even though I’ve never ever seen your face before
I’ll know you when I do
Feel like I’m swimming in a sea of stars
Bright constellations always moving
If I could only chart a course to where you are
I just wouldn’t be so lostDear Diary,Such a delightful evening at Hoarcambe! Mr Brianeddy is indeed a talent! I caught him briefly afterwards and complimented him upon his diction. I know I am blessed with nimble fingers which are,themselves, no strangers to the odd organ but I wish I had the kind of talent that bursts forth from others in endless supply. I need to practice upon my instrument whilst others can just improvise with ease.Ned brought me some tea as I was musing."Have you ever longed to play an instrument, Ned?" I asked distractedly."Well, I am quite a dab hand on the 'bald-headed giggle stick' these days," he said wistfully."Are you indeed?" I was surprised and my interest was peeked. "I should very much like to see you perform.""Oh, I know you would, but sadly, in company, I believe I should fumble and I just would not get the fingering right," he said.
Dear Diary,I rode Python to Pimpton and stabled him there before meeting Miss Dixon and we continued our journey to Hoarcambe by carriage. "What is become of Miss Forster?" I enquired, "I trust she is well.""Indeed, Mr Austen, she is in fine form and sends her fervant greetings and heartfelt condolences upon your recent tribulations. She regrets she has a prior engagement with distant relations or she would have joined us on this merry trip." Miss Dixon was holding onto her bonnet with one hand but now reached out the other and gripped my arm, "How are you faring, Mr Austen? What news of your 'intended'?"I assured her that my spirits were high under the circumstances and that I had heard nought of 'her' and informed her that she was, practically, the first person to enquire of 'Danielle' since that revelatory day."It is of 'Danielle' that I wish to speak to you and why I sought you out at Far Corfe. Your Father told me you were there." Her ever present smile faltered slightly. "When I met 'Danielle' some weeks ago I felt her...I mean ...his face familiar and I pondered upon it greatly afterwards. Then last week I received a letter from my old friend Cissy Trumper in Little Sodding by the Marsh and I gasped when it all came back to me in an instant. Poor Miss Forster thought I had come over all queer but I had just remembered where I had seen that familiar face before."Miss Dixon informed me how many years ago she was employed as a nurse in the Stammer household at Sod Hall close to Little Sodding by the Marsh. Her charges were the twins Danielle and Daniel Stammer. She cared for them for some five years from the age of nine until their mid teens when she left after meeting a handsome butcher who asked her to marry him. Another five years passed and then she received the terrible news that Sod Hall had burnt down and only Danielle had survived the fire. Miss Dixon said she had tried to contact the poor girl but to no avail as she disppeared and no one in the area ever heard of or saw her again.Miss Dixon squeezed my arm tighter and leaned in closer;"It was Daniel not Danielle who survived. His was the face I remembered. He took his sister's identity and vanished by altering his name from Stammer to St Amour."She sat back with a satisfied sigh and released her grip."Oh, Mr Austen, is that not some juicy gossip!" She giggled."Indeed," I agreed, " but do you believe Daniel started the fire in which his family perished?""Do badgers defecate in the woods?" She hooted."I am observing you in a new light, Miss Dixon," I mused, "I fear there are depths to you I have not yet fathomed.""Oh, Mr Austen, I could tell you some tales but for now we must look forward to an evening of musical delight. Mr Ken Brianeddy is so delightful, why, I could eat him," she laughed."But what of the butcher?" I asked. "It is true you never married."A shadow dimmed her merry eyes for a moment and she sighed;"He was not the man I thought him and sadly...well, let's just say, he went to pieces."
Dear Diary,You are rapidly running out of pages!I have been jotting upon your crisp, ivory leaves these past eleven months and have scarce missed a day. You have been the companion I have longed for all those past, long and lonely nights. What comfort you have given me propped upon my pillow. How patient you have been and how you have accepted with quiet resignation the day to day stumbling that is my life. What shall I do when you are complete? How shall I while away those final minutes before I surrender myself to slumber? I shall cast it from my mind for now but the time fast approaches when I fear our journey together shall come to an end.The ladies travelled to Pimpton today to replenish Fanny's wardrobe. I declined the invitation to accompany them, for though I like to caress and handle pretty and expensive things, I find no pleasure in the company of a ladies undergarments. I amused myself capably for much of the morning and was just sitting down to lunch when Willow entered to say I had a visitor. A breathless and fairly ruddy faced Miss Dixon was shown in and she apologised effusively for the unfortunate timing of her visit and insisted that her business could wait until the morrow, when, she hoped I would do her the great honour of accompanying her to a recital by the celebrated Irish countertenor Ken Brianeddy in Hoarcambe. I readily agreed and she left me to my stuffed partridge with seasonal vegetables.I was somewhat at a loss in the afternoon and Willow must have sensed it for he offered musical distraction. I followed him willingly and believed we were to the music room to finger the harpsichord but no, he led me to his chamber and treated me to a recital upon his oboe. What a magnificent instrument! How well he handles it, and yet such an unusual colour.......pink!
Dear Diary,A dry day!How pleasant to wander without fear of dampness. I wandered down to the river. It was in full flow after all the rain we have had recently and was almost bursting it's banks. On returning to the Hall I encountered Ned lurking behind the topiary."Have you seen the Hoar?" I asked."Aye," he replied, "she's in the kitchen making soup."
Dear Diary,Our first morn at Far Corfe and yet more rain! It was most odd to come down to breakfast and see all the usual faces engaged in their matinal activities but in a completely different setting. Willow was instructing Ned in quiet tones as to how things are done at Far Corfe Hall. I could tell from the way that Ned was standing that his dander was up! The day was spent with further unpacking and everyone was busy about the place. It is odd how no one has hardly mentioned 'Danielle' since that night and yet a few days ago, before the unveiling, she, or he, was the main topic of conversation. I suppose now my attraction to her could be explained if I had to explain it to anyone who knew the 'real' me. I wonder what has become of him.Later I came across Ned stroking my Python in the stables. "How are you finding things here at Far Corfe, Ned?" I asked."Woofter seems a decent chap," he said, "but I don't like the housekeeper, Mrs Tickler. She stands far too close to me and bumps into me and accidentally touches me in.... well....unusual places.""You mean, like, here?" I said placing a hand upon his buttock."No!" he said, shocked, "Like, in the pantry!"
Dear Diary,We left shortly after breakfast for Far Corfe. Mrs Crutchlow came to wave us off. I hope it is not too long before I can enjoy her baps once more. The ladies of Cobbler's End came, also, and gave Fanny a large marrow, grown in their own garden. She seemed quite shocked to receive it and flushed somewhat about her cheeks."No," laughed Miss Noring, "It's for eating, dear," she said. As if it could be used for anything else!We said goodbye to Father, Jane and Willy and then mounted our coaches. What a sight we must have made as the coaches pulled out of Cobbler's Bottom. I rode in the first one with Fanny and Ned. Python was tethered behind. Mother, Mrs Norris, Titty and Annie followed in a second coach. I looked back as the familiar countryside of home slipped away and there above it all rose the Knob. I wondered when I shall next be able to mount it. Ned saw me looking wistful and nudged me."What're you thinking?" he asked."Oh, just wondering when I'll see that Knob again." I sighed.He just shook his head in despair then broke into a smile and for the first time in ages.....'wanked' at me.
Art thou pale for weariness
Of climbing heaven and gazing on the earth,
Wandering companionless
Among the stars that have a different birth,
And ever changing, like a joyless eye
That finds no object worth its constancy?
Percy Bysshe Shelley
Dear Diary,Such a shame that I was, again, unable to attend Chapel and hear the wise words of our own dear 'Wevewand'. There were arrangements to be made for our move to Far Corfe. We had to re-enter the Grange to retrieve some belongings and clothes and this proved time consuming. The ladies remained safely outside and barked their orders and requirements of Ned, Father and I but often we would emerge only to find they would sigh and say;"No! Not that one....the blue one," and we would return inside with gritted teeth.Poor Fanny! There is little we can retrieve of her possessions and her frocks are either scorched or ruined by the smoke. The ladies of Cobbler's End have been generous with their wardrobe and have provided her with a few garments to see her through until she can purchase more in the boutiques of Pimpton. We are staying the night at the Inn in Cobbler's Bottom. It is not what we are used to in terms of comforts but much more 'pweferable' to another night at the Parsonage.My room was directly across the road from Sam the Blacksmith's house. Such a boon! Watching him ready himself for bed took my mind off losing my fiancee. I almost had palpitations when he bent over to pick up some unseen object from his floor; not because of the view though, but because a voice in my ear suddenly whispered;"I see it's a full moon, Mr Austen."It was Ned come to turn down my linen.
Dear Diary,After finding shelter with the Parson for the rest of the night we returned home this morning to appraise the extent of the destruction.Our home is gravely damaged yet Father believes it can be repaired. Happily the fire did not breach the parlour door but two upper rooms have also been damaged; Fanny's directly above the parlour and the room 'Miss' St Amour was habiting. It appears a fire was started there also, but as chance would have it, it did not take a hold as the one downstairs. It would seem that until the repairs are made good, we are homeless for Father fears it is not safe for all of us to remain at the Grange in it's present unstable state. "You are all welcome to Far Corfe," effused Mrs Norris and thus it is to be.Father is to remain at the Grange to supervise repairs whilst Jane and Willy are to remain at Cobbler's End with the Misses Noring and Lott as she has a duty to the school in Cobbler's Bottom. Mrs Crutchlow is to stay with her sister as Mrs Norris has her own housekeeper. She did not seem too upset with the news. Mrs Norris also felt that Ned and Titty were surplus to requirements but it was Mother who said that Titty should come too to attend to baby Annie for the present and I stated that I only trusted Ned to attend my Python and that surely Willow would need some assistance with the sudden increase in guests at Far Corfe Hall. Mrs Norris stepped up and took my hand;"Indeed, my dear, and so it shall be. We have all been through a terrible ordeal, but none can be so shocked as you. I always knew there was something unusual about that young la....., that person. To think you were enagaged to a........ well, another man." She shook her head. "'Tis better to find out now than upon your wedding night."I smiled graciously but was, indeed, thinking what a marvellous surprise that would have been.
Dear Diary,I know not how long I had been asleep when I was awakened by Danielle shaking me vigorously. "Come quickly. Now is our chance!" she urged.She pulled me by the hand from my bed and lead me along the darkened landing and down the stairs. I was half asleep and my senses still were dulled and yet at the foot of the stairs I noticed a bright flickering light spilling out from the parlour. I pulled from her grip and staggered to the half open door sensing something was amiss and was shocked awake by the sight I beheld. The parlour was ablaze with the flames almost reaching the ceiling. I staggered back and shut the door.Danielle grabbed at my nightshirt;"Come at once! We must escape!" she cried."But my family," I cried, "we have to waken them." Her eyes darkened and she held my arms and shook me."No!" She ordered. "We leave now, we have no time."I pulled free of her grip once again and ran up the stairs leaving her standing in her nightshirt in the hallway. She cried after me;"Come back, you fool!"I ran along the landing shouting and banging upon every door I passed, rousing everyone in the house and urging them to get out as quickly as they could. Ned emerged, shirtless in his breeches and helped me shepherd them down the stairs. Father could not resist opening the parlour door and flames shot out and he fell backwards with an anguished cry. Ned rushed forward and forced the door shut again and helped Father to his feet and out of the front door. Rain was streaming from the heavens as we all stood before the house and I looked around to account for everyone. Annie was wailing in Titty's arms and Willy clung to Jane. Father was hugging my Mother and I remembered thinking how odd it was to see them thus. Mrs Norris was clutching Winky and Fanny clung to her dripping pussy as Mrs Crutchlow and Ned stood nearby.Then I remembered you, dear diary and I rushed back inside. The parlour door was holding back the fire and there was little danger in my foolishness. I could not abandon you now.I emerged once again to the relief of everyone and then noticed, standing further back, the sodden form of Danielle St Amour. Her hair hung limp and wet. Her nightdress clung to her body and her arms were wrapped round herself in a selfish hug. The others followed my gaze and turned to face her and she regarded us all with dark eyes.Mrs Norris stepped forward and held out an arm to gather her in but at that moment Father's Todger emerged from the darkness and leapt up at her. There was a tearing sound as her flimsy nightshirt was rent from her body by the weight of the hound as it dropped back to the ground and 'she' stood before us all, naked.Mrs Norris gasped and staggered backwards. Fanny screamed and Willy giggled as we all stared at the figure standing before us, then 'he' turned and disappeared into the darkness.Everyone was stunned. Only Ned was not rendered speechless by the nights events. He came up behind me and leaning in close, whispered;"You remember when you were telling me about Annie's birth and seein' the strangest sight of a tiny, shiny, purple head in a place where you don't expect to find one? We'll, blow me! If that weren't another!"
Dear Diary,I fear Danielle has made a grave mistake. She paid far too much attention to Father's Todger at breakfast and I suspect she even slipped it a little something when no one was looking, for now it leaps up at her whenever the opportunity arises. There has been little time, in recent days, for me to contemplate our engagement since my reservations about it on returning from Far Corfe, and yet seeing her again has warmed my heart. I have grown to believe our union could be happy and I know it would make my family happy and yet, it seems, that Danielle is now unsure of a future together. She confided in me earlier, whilst riding upon 'my' Knob, that she felt that Mrs Norris was pressing forward with arrangements in greater haste than she herself wished. I persuaded her to convey her worries to Mrs Norris in person as I felt that her concerns would be appreciated far more from her mouth than mine own. We arrived back at the Grange and had just stabled our horses when she suddenly turned to me and grasped my arm;"Wayne, I am deeply fond of you and know you to be a great and good man. I can only hope you hold me in the same esteem as I hold you. I believe I know your heart better than anyone for it is a heart close to mine but I fear all is not what it seems. There is something I must confess to you...."Suddenly Father's Todger appeared around the corner and leapt up at her knocking her backwards. "Down this instant," I cried. Ned came running at hearing all the commotion, bearing a pitchfork and was just about to assist when Danielle thrust the beast off herself and bellowed, deeply "Enough!" Father's Todger shrank back and slunk away. Ned and I watched open mouthed as she strode into the house rearranging her attire.It was only before retiring for the night that I was able to catch her alone again. I was keen to hear her confession. She stood in the doorway of her room and fixed me with those sparkling eyes;"Trust me. All will be revealed and we will be free to follow our hearts," she breathed. "Good night, my love" she smiled and then closed the door upon me.
Dear Diary,I arose, threw back the drapes and beheld a magnificent rainbow. I wonder if it was a sign that there shall be no more rain. I shall not hold my breath. There was some delay to breakfast. Ned popped into apologise and said that Mrs Crutchlow was having to attend to Annie at that moment but would be just a few moments. I rose and followed him into the scullery to see if there was anything I could do. Mrs Crutchlow was pacing about the kitchen and Annie was wailing inconsolably. In a sudden lull in the noise, when Annie was pausing to gasp in air, there was a gentle knock upon the back door and in stepped Titty. "Oh, thank heavens!" cried Mrs Crutchlow rushing over to her and thrusting the baby into her arms. "Here, hold this. I have eggs to poach." Annie at once ceased her crying and Ned nodded at Titty and smiled."Welcome back Titty, we have missed you," I said, "but I fear you find us in some disorder. Your arrival is most fortuitous. I shall leave Ned to enlighten you and I shall to the parlour to await my eggs."The rest of the day was spent preparing for the arrival of Mrs Norris and Danielle St Amour. Father was still subdued but, I think, only I noticed. Mother and Fanny fussed about the house in titivation while Mrs Crutchlow set about preparing for the lavish dinner. Titty helped whenever Annie allowed."I believe you shall make a competent parent," said my Mother to her. "One would almost think she were your own the way she has taken to you, Titty." There was a clattering from the parlour as Ned dropped the load of logs he was carrying for the fire...."Oh Shhh...." he began as one landed upon his foot but commendably he recovered and sang..."shhhh.....eeee sells sea shells upon the seashore." I recognised the words but sadly not the tune.Mrs Norris's barouche drew up just as it grew dark. We all went out to greet our guests. I approached the carriage and put my hand out and grasped the handle and then felt another hand upon mine. I turned and saw it was Willow standing next to me. He smiled and withdrew his hand but the warmth from his touch lingered a moment.I opened the door and Winky was thrust out. Willow held the beast and I eased Mrs Norris out. After extricating myself from her bosom I was able to turn my attention to Danielle who now emerged in the doorway. She looked radiant and more breathtaking than I remembered. I helped her down and kissed her cheek and taking her arm lead her towards my waiting family. There was much laughter and chatter as our guests were greeted but above it I heard the barouche moving off. I turned to watch it leave and saw Willow sat high upon it, next to the coachman. He held my gaze until he was swallowed by the gathering dusk.
Dear Diary,Turmoil..........and all because of a baby!Fanny immediately fell for the child and showering her with kisses vowed to care for her forever, but after facing a sleepless night and the reality and unpredictability of the infant's bowels has returned to caressing her pussy for comfort. Mother coos over the child but dare not touch her for fear of ruining her frock and Jane looks upon her much as she is wont to look upon me at times, with utter revulsion. Poor Mrs Crutchlow has born the brunt of the task of caring for 'Orphan Annie' as she has been generally christened. Ned was sent to the village to enquire if anyone knew anything that might help us find her parents but no one knew anything it seems....( and that is some relief!)Father just frowned and when his afternoon nap was interupted by her hungry wails, stood and informed us he was taking her to the Poor House in Netherton. He told Ned to prepare his horse and went to find his riding boots. I caught up with him at the top of the stairs and handed him the letter I had received on Friday. He went quite pale upon reading it and looked upon me with such fear in his eyes that my heart went out to him. I grasped his arm and told him not to fear, that all had been dealt with discretely and nothing more would be mentioned of it. He has spent the rest of the day in the study and all thoughts of Poor Houses forgotten. I think it has given us the time we need...Tomorrow is another day and of course brings Danielle and Mrs Norris to our door as well.Ned knocked upon my chamber a short while ago."All will be well tomorrow," he tried to sound confident. I smiled and nodded as confidently as I could without feeling it. He turned to leave."Annie," I said, " a nice name.""Aye," he said, "I chose it and hopefully one day she will have my surname too...Annie Reckson. I 'ope she will be proud."
Dear Diary,It began as a day of incredible dullness......I have some little knowledge of the water cycle and fear that somewhere a sea or ocean must have run dry for all the water that has fallen upon the Nethers recently. Is there no end to this precipitation? I fear Farmer Clamps cows might grow gills by October.The day took an 'unexpected' turn when dinner was interupted by a knocking upon the door and Mrs Crutchlow called upon us all to quickly come and see...There upon the doorstep, lying in a basket, wrapped in a woolen blanket was a baby. Attached was a note which simply said; 'My name is Annie.'I am beginning to doubt this plan.
Dear Diary,I am returned from Manchesterford.Late upon Friday I received an anonymous epistle which was both revealing and shocking! What I am about to relate to you now must never venture from these pages for if it did...well, it would kill my Mother.The epistle warned that an attempt was afoot to blackmail my Father, who upon a recent trip to Manchesterford, had misguidedly entered the 'correctional facility' set up by our own, fairly recently departed and much respected school mistress, Miss Grace Quirrel. The letter heavily intimated that it was Miss Quirrel, herself, that was 'behind' this extortion and asked me to excuse the pun. I left early upon Saturday and rode Python hard to Manchesterford in an attempt to save the family name. I had no idea as to where I might find the place but as fortune would have it the first gentleman I accosted was well acquainted with it. I thanked him generously and as I walked away he called after me, saying,"Ask for Violet the Violator. She's worth it."I cannot say it was in a fashionable part of the city and I was forced to tread carefully for fear of ruining my shoes. The door was opened, at my knocking, by an elderly woman, who looked me up and down in complete disinterest and then intoned; "Who's been a naughty boy then? Yers best come in."As soon as the door closed behind me, an anguished cry came from behind one of the doorways in the hallway. The old woman opened it slightly and peered in for a moment. An unpleasant aroma wafted out and I could hear heavy breathing, then the old woman said "Don't forget to clean that mess up after will you, Violet?" She shut the door and muttered, "Bloody incontinent donkeys!"She showed me into a room with a variety of ill matched chairs. "I have come to see Miss Quirrel," I said."Good choice," said the woman, "she's nearly finished 'er two o'clock. 'Ave a seat while yer still can."Some five minutes later a red faced gentleman limped past the doorway and soon after a bell rang out."Mistress will see yer now," said the woman and indicated a room down the hallway.I opened the door and entered."Get out! Have you no manners? Knock first!" Shrieked a voice in the gloomy interior.I stepped back hurriedly and closed it again and knocked as requested.I hardly recognised the woman that opened it. I gasped at the sight for what she was wearing barely covered her dignity. She gasped in return and tried to close the door but I prevented her with my foot."Miss Quirrel, I must have words with you and request that you desist from this scurrilous extortion of my Father."She sighed dramatically and then placing her hands upon her hips and with a confident grin spreading across her face said, " Or what, Mr Austen? What are you going to do about it?"She had me. I confess I had not thought that far ahead."Well, I.......er.......I will................" I was despearately thinking of an unequivocal reply when a familiar voice said;"Wine?" I turned and gasped again at the sight of Bigas Cojones, standing in the hallway, wearing only a bright red leather codpiece. A woman, also barely dressed, emerged from a room behind him leading a donkey. He smiled uncomfortably and his face grew almost as red as his scant attire."Would you 'beliebe' me if I was to tell you I 'habe' been practising a new 'bersion' of the 'Natibity' with my friend 'Biolet' here?" he smiled.It was an unexpected and uncomfortable reunion but happily fortuitous, for Dr Cojones was able to 'resolbe' the problem with Miss Quirrel. It seems he has many 'friends' in high places and a few words from him would have seen Miss Quirrel ruined for 'eber'.I spent a happy evening in the company of my good friend Mr Griffiths and we enjoyed the thespic delight of Miss Alison Steedman in a play by Alan Bonnet.The day went well.
Dear Diary,I am to Manchesterford on an urgent matter. Until the morrow.........
Dear Diary,I was in the library getting more and more frustrated with a troublesome piece by Wolfgang Amadeus when there was a knock upon the door and Ned peered in."Mr Austen, there is someone to see you," he said."Who is it?" I mouthed silently.He looked at me bemused and then disappeared briefly, before reappearing and said;"No, he says he is not a wizard."I looked around for something heavy to toss at him but finding nothing, looked up again and there stood Willow in the doorway. His blue eyes fixed upon me but some of their sparkle had gone and he looked rather sad."Oh, Willow, come in," I smiled, "What brings you to Thrushcock?""Mrs Norris has sent me with news of your.....," he paused as if he was having difficulty in choosing the right words, "...intended.""I see, and.....?""You are to expect her next Wednesday for a short visit with Mrs Norris to discuss further.......... nuptual arrangements." His eyes carefully took in the room and then returned to me."Do you play?" I asked, nodding towards my instrument."I know a minim from a crotchet and though I prefer to blow my instrument, I have been known to make beautiful music by using my fingers," he replied.I thought I detected a slight upturning curl to his mouth for a brief moment."Come, sit beside me for awhile, if you are in no hurry," I said. " I have a feeling you maybe able to assist me in playing this con fuoco."He did.
Dear Diary,"Did you enjoy my sausage, Mr Austen?" asked Ned, this morning."I confess Ned, I found it quite succulent and was impressed by it's presentation," I replied, generously. He grinned proudly and removed my plate. I followed him into the Scullery and there beheld such disorder that I almost squealed in shock. "I trust you will get this tidied before Mrs Crutchlow returns from visiting her family this afternoon or I fear she will pickle you!" I gasped. How quickly his proud grin dissipated into a look of unrestrained anxiety. "It has been a pleasure to know you, Ned," I said resignedly and left him to his doom.By happy chance I was in the garden with Willy, when he returned from his schooling and we were able to witness her chasing him out, with a broom. It quite made the day."Come, Willy," I laughed, "I shall show you my Knob before dinner."
Dear Diary,Great news!Ned announced today that Titty will be returning next week as her aunt is much recovered. She has been greatly missed, especially since the sad demise of Betty Tert.Mrs Crutchlow is especially delighted with the news."Oh, it has been simply ages since we have set eyes upon her, " she beamed with excitement."Aye, it has been a 'maternity'," said Ned. When no one was looking I kicked his shin and glared at him."What now?" He mouthed, oblivious.
Dear Diary,Ned and I left the Grange, this morning, within half an hour of each other, in different directions but rendezvoused beyond Netherton for the remainder of the ride to Titty's aunts. I must say I am shocked at how some people can live in such compact and cramped conditions. I dare not say whether it was the room that was small or Titty appearing oversized for it but, oh my, what an infant can do to a person! Her aunt was absent, no doubt making room for the influx of folk into her less than modest abode. We chatted happily, though I felt somewhat of an intruder upon their time together, and yet it was important that we discuss eventualities. It is not an ideal plan but the best that can be made of the circumstances for the moment. I left them together for awhile and stood outside with Python and practised plaiting his tail as best I could but he kept flicking it from my grasp. I had been outside some ten minutes when Ned suddenly called to me;"Mr Austen, come quick! I think the baby is coming."The smile had gone from Titty's face to be replaced by a painful grimace and she was moaning quite alarmingly. "Shall I fetch someone who knows about these events?" I asked anxious to be elsewhere."Might be a good idea," said Ned, "see if there is a doctor in the next village."I turned and headed out and was mounting Python when he called me back again."I don't think this baby is going to wait for the doctor. Find some cloths and a sharp knife."There was not an overwhelming amount of space to search, thankfully and I quickly returned with his requirements. Titty was panting and wailing in quick succession and perspiring dreadfully. "I've helped with lambing, it's going to be fine, " said Ned sounding more confident than his pale demeanour registered...and then he fainted. He just collapsed to the floor. Titty moaned and I moaned. Titty wailed and I felt one rising in me and then she spoke through gritted teeth;"Don't just stand there you daft.....Sir!..... Grab it's head!" I knelt down and beheld what is most certainly the strangest sight I have ever seen, with a tiny, shiny purple headin a place one does not expect to find one.It was certainly not the day I had envisaged but safe to say Mother and daughter are quite well, and in the safe hands of Titty's aunt. As for the Father, he is much recovered and very happy. I had to recount the tale many times to him on the journey home...."And finally, I cut the 'unbelievable' cord." I said proudly."Umbilical!" He said, in exasperation.
Dear Diary,A better day. Indeed the sun finally appeared, returned from it's holiday elsewhere. How typical! It is almost as if it decided to shun the summer months out of spite.I enjoyed one of Mrs Crutchlow's lightly poached eggs and then went out and sat upon Ned's erection. The scents that drifted upon the breeze were pleasant but I was tormented by wasps. I fear if I were to encounter The Almighty, perhaps upon the Knob one day, admiring the view He had created, I would not be able to contain myself and would probably chide Him for His mistake in creating the wasp. What purpose does it serve except to irritate? Never was there such an aggresive insect. No, I fear the wasp is firmamental faux pas.Ned found me twitching wildly about his seat beating off one of the beasts."Mr Austen, I know you have much on your mind at present but if you please I would like to discuss Titty," he said."Oh Ned, I am in no mood for your prurient vocabulary. Just because I am engaged does not mean I wish to engage in camaraderous vulgarities with you. Be off and wield your chopper or such like." I sighed." I don't know what you mean, Mr Austen but I just though I better let you know that the baby is due any day now and we need to think of what we are going to do next. I am to visit her tomorrow and wondered if it might be a 'fellatious' time for you to attend also, to discuss the plan.""Ah, yes," I replied, slightly embarrassed, "Titty, yes, er.....good idea.....it would be felicitous, Ned."
