Dear Diary,It's bye to you,
New York, New York!When will this torment end?'It is all part of life's rich tapestry' as Mrs Norris would say, ' there have to be black parts to make the colours stand out.'I fear my tapestry is completely black!Of course we hurried to the docks, yesterday, in the hope of catching Willow before he boarded a ship home but, alas, it was not to be. The Fates cruelly toy with me!I have secured passage back across the ocean, and to add to my misfortune it is upon 'The Titan Nick' as it returns, laden with tobacco.To be sure I would not miss it I enquired of the Captain, "Are you leaving Thursday?""Very! let's go get a drink!" he replied.The boat sailed at noon today and I stood on deck and watched the city slip away. I left Miss Dixon behind. She says she cannot return. Woody has said he will attend her and keep her from harm and has told me he is quite keen to introduce her to his Father."Willy Dicker?" I asked."If he gets the chance!" He winked.So it is just you and I, Diary as we journey homeward, but I must be sparing with my entries, for few pages remain and our days together are numbered.
Dear Diary,I'll find a brand new heart in it,
In old New York.I was up early after very little sleep and was eager to be off but had to remain in a state if intense agitation for the arrival of Woody. When he finally appeared it was Miss Dixon who delayed our departure with some fussing over her petticoats. Finally we departed and oh, how my heart was racing. Woody had arranged a carriage to convey us to Greenwich but it was not upto the standard I am used to. My eyes darted about as we neared our destination in the hope my eyes might chance upon the face I longed to see, but no that joy was not to be. We dismounted on the corner of Christopher St and Bleecker. There was some fellow standing upon the corner shouting about the right to marry and he wore a placard denouncing 'Prop 8'. He approached me and holding out some paper asked me to sign his petition for marriage equality for same sex couples."Are you for it?" he enquired."Indeed I am," I replied, " just as soon as I get my hands upon the one who has stolen my heart. My friends shall sign it too." They hesitated."Shall you not?" I asked aghast. They signed forthwith.Woody led the way through a door and up a narrow staircase and we found ourselves standing before a closed door. Miss Dixon held a kerchief to her nostrils for the aroma thereabouts was hardly pleasant. My heart was in great palpitation and I felt in danger of swooning. Woody rapped upon the door and I held my breath in anticipation. Seconds, that felt like minutes, passed and then it slowly slipped open.The face that peered out was not one I recognised."We are looking for a Mr Woofter," I gabbled, "We believe he has a room here."A baby began to cry in the room beyond the door and the woman, we gazed upon, glanced behind her then turned back to us."Ees gone. Ee left dis morning," She made to shut the door, but I stuck out my hand and held it back."Gone!" I gasped. "Where has he gone?"She shrugged, pushed away my arm and shut the door as my hopes began to fade once more.I could hardly breathe. Woody helped me back to the street and I leaned against the wall as he and Miss Dixon fussed about me."What ails you, Sir?" It was the fellow with the placard.Miss Dixon briefly told him of our predicament."Oh, I know 'im. He were a gentleman.""D'ya know where he's gone?" asked Woody."Aye," said the fellow, "back 'ome.""Back home?" I found my voice, "Where is his home?""England, o'course." He said.We stood there in a stunned silence and then the fellow spoke again."It were that over there," he said pointing across the street, "it haunted 'im he said and in the end, he decided it were a 'sign' telling him to go 'ome.""It is a sign," said Woody." I know that......Doh!" The fellow was exasperated."But look what it says," gasped Miss Dixon.There across the street was the sign above a doorway, and it read....." W. Austen."
Dear Diary,I want to wake up in a city that never sleeps,
And find my wonderful Will...I love him heaps! The weather has taken a turn for the worst! We have had glorious blue skies for the past few days but today the Heavens opened and vented all their sorrow upon us. Miss Dixon and I had ventured downtown and at one point were startled by a sudden flash and a loud clap of thunder! We took shelter in a nearby emporium, Afercrombie and Bitch and perused the garments upon show therein. There was a very handsome fellow gyrating upon the threshold and I found myself entranced by the pertness of his buttocks in his tight fitting breeches. How lovely men are!I began to regret our entrance for it was all I could do to get Miss Dixon out of there. I fear once in the presence of beautiful things she has to handle them all and try them out for size. Eventually I was able to extricate her from the building though I fear her purse was considerably lighter. Exhausted we returned to our rooms and I had only just collapsed upon the divan when there came a frantic knocking upon the door. It was Woody with news.Dwight Schnitz had come up trumps and had heard of a 'Woofter' in lodgings down in the Village on the corner of Bleecker and Christopher St. I was all for setting off there at once but Woody indicated the fading light and warned it would not be safe to wander those streets after dark. I bowed to his advice but was frustrated to be so close to a happy reunion and yet held back from it. However my heart soared with the hope that tomorrow I would gaze into those lovely blue eyes once more.
Dear Diary,These five guinea shoes,
Are longing to stray,
Right through the very heart of it,
New York, New York.How fortuitous a meeting! Woody has been in these parts for some months. It transpires he is good with his hands and has had a hand in or on many of the new erections hereabouts. It seems that he is very well connected in this city and ever grateful for my assistance back in the Nethers, is keen to assist me in my search for Willow and has said he will meet with us later in the day to relay what he has discovered from his enquiries.Miss Dixon and I had some time to spend at our leisure. We wandered Broadway and it's environs. How difficult it is to refrain from looking up when there is so much to see but one has to pay attention to the pathway ahead for fear of ruining one's footwear. Much of the city appears to be in a frenzy over the fate of some Oboomer Barracks. If I had a dollar for everytime I was solicited about their fate upon a street corner I should be a very rich man indeed. I just smiled politely and held up my hand declaring "I am from England." and then quietly, to myself, "I care not a jot!" I care not for the trappings of war. I am for peace and love, but especially love.As for their eating habits, it is a wonder all these people are not obese from the size of the portions they dish out and such strange offerings they are too. I swear I saw, upon a board outside one roadside eatery, a 'hot dog' on offer with the boast of it being over a foot long! Poor thing! If this is what Independence brings, Heaven help them!Our rendezvous with Woody was in the early evening in some well known 'Deli'. I passed on the pickled gherkins I was offered as they put me in mind of slugs with rigor mortis. I daresay I would have rather slipped in a 'hot dog' than those repulsive objects. Woody's face was solemn as he bit on one. I thought, serves you right. What is wrong with a cucumber sandwich?! He had had no luck and had no information that could give me hope but said that I should not despair yet. He had a few other avenues to go down and had arranged to speak with a Dwight Schnitz in the morning. I await with bated breath.
Dear Diary,I want to be a part of it.....New York, New York!How tall some of the buildings are here, why today there must have been one with at least 6 floors!"Have you ever seen such big erections?" Miss Dixon exclaimed.Such a diversity of people too and the noise and the bustle is quite unlike anything I have ever seen. We passed some fellow on a street corner shouting for the abolition of slavery. Miss Dixon was keen to add her voice to his but I lead her away for her own safety. We came upon a shop selling musical instruments and I enquired within as to whether anyone of Willow's description had been in fingering the oboes but, alas, no one had. We wandered for much of the day, my eyes searching the streets for that familiar face while Miss Dixon gasped and cooed at the fashions and goods available in the boutiques and emporiums that we passed.As dusk began to fall I became more and more melancholic and all hope of ever seeing Willow again began to seep from me. My feet were aching but my heart ached more.Then something unexpected and amazing happened...Returning to our accomodation in defeat I collided with a fellow coming in the opposite direction, for I was distracted by a Willow-alike upon the opposite pavement. "Oi!" exclaimed the fellow, "Watch where yer goin'!""Pardon me." I apologised and head bowed stepped aside to allow him to pass."Well, blow me!" The fellow exclaimed again, "If it ain't Mr Austen himself!"That is when I looked up and beheld the grinning and familiar face I had not seen in a long time. A smile crept upon my face and I surrendered easily to his hug." Are you going to introduce us Wayne?" asked Miss Dixon."Of course," I replied, " this, Miss Dixon, is Woody Dicker."
Dear Diary,Start spreading the news!
I'm arriving today!Such excitement aboard 'The Titan Nick' as we sailed up the Hudson and berthed on the Lower East Side around noon. I have seen 'bustle' but nought to match this. A great deal of building is going on and this appears, very much, to be an up and coming place. We thanked the Captain but he thought we wanted to 'spank' him, which perked him up no end, but we hurried down the gangplank and set foot in the Colonies for the first time. My conversations with Ivor Biggen were most enlightening and I was made aware of areas of the city we should avoid, as well as knowing the best place to find ladies who welcome those who have been at sea for many a lonely night or, if utterly desperate, sheep who offer the similar comfort.I made enquiries at the harbourmaster's office and discovered that Willow's ship had arrived two days earlier but he was unable to give me any further assistance in my search.As we wandered the streets I became more and more apprehensive of ever being able to find him in such a vast and growing city as this.We found lodging in Midtown, which is close to the most populated and frequented haunts and a good place to begin a search as any. Miss Dixon does not appear to be in any hurry to find the fellow who wants her so and when I broach the subject quickly changes it. I am glad of her company however and am grateful for her friendship. We spent the evening acquainting ourselves with the area hereabouts and found a place for an adequate meal but retired early to our beds.I am overcome with a fatigue yet how nice it is to feel solid ground beneath our feet once more. I grew tired of the constant tossing. One can you know.
Dear Diary,'Land Ho!'This afternoon the cry went up and I left my self imposed incarceration to get my first glimpse of New England.How welcome the sight! I cannot wait to feel solid ground beneath my feet. We are sailing down the coast and shall sail into the harbour at New York sometime tomorrow.I sought out Ivor Biggen and probed him intently for some hours.
Dear Diary,There was a knock upon my cabin door this morning and I opened it to find a joyous Miss Dixon upon my threshold."Do you fancy a shag?" She tittered.I must confess I was somewhat taken aback by her offer and was considering my reply when she held up a large, dead, black bird she had been concealing behind her back."I have never cooked one of these but I fancy it shall make a delicious pie," she exclaimed. "One of the sailors spied it upon the bowsprit and managed to seize it. I am to the galley now to prepare you a delicious repast. Come assist me?"I declined and remained in my cabin to await her efforts. I did feel some remorse for the creature that must have alighted to rest it's weary wings but it was quite delicious.
Dear Diary,The storm has passed and yet I remain cabin bound due to the black eye I am at present sporting. Miss Dixon has been most attentive. She went in search of a piece of meat to place upon it but returned with half a fish."This should have the same effect I am sure," she smiled.I confess it is cooling but I can hardly bear the smell. I have never been a great lover of fish.Wayne Kerr called upon me and brought along his friend from Wales.He held out his hand and declared "Ivor Biggen." I could not turn them away even though I was not in the mood for intercourse. All turned out quite advantageously, however, as Ivor knows New York quite well and was able to provide me with some useful information for when we arrive at our destination. I must speak with him again. There are more questions I need to ask of him.
Dear Diary,I must have nodded off in the night despite being thrown about my cot. I awoke to find that though the storm appears to have abated somewhat the ship is still being buffeted by the weather. I have grown accustomed to the confines of my accomodation and am certain that there is a crack, low down near the deck, that was not there before in one of the ship's ribs that runs up through my cabin. I opened the door and stuck my head into the passage. A sailor had just passed by and he was staggering along the pasageway holding onto the walls to prevent himself from doing himself a mischief."Excuse me, my good man!" I hailed. He paused and turned then returned along the passageway towards me.I re-entered my cabin and bent down to examine the crack again. I heard the sailors footsteps at the open door and without looking up said,"I wonder if you would examine this crack in my futtock?"I heard him gasp and I straightened and turned to face him. It was the fellow from the other day who had misunderstood my enquiry about his knots. He was not pleased to see me.
Dear Diary,I cannot begin to describe how I am being tossed as I write. I espied the darkening clouds on the horizon shortly before noon and soon afterwards all passengers were requested to return below decks and remain in their quarters until further notice.I can only imagine the scene outside but from this pitching and tossing we are in a veritable tempest. Miss Dixon is made of stout stuff indeed for she embroiders away and seems none too concerned by the unexpected motions of the ship. I think I shall scarce sleep tonight for all the creaking and cracking that fills my ears. If I am doomed to a watery grave I shall be quite vexed.
Dear Diary,Desperate for some conversation and eager to learn from my nautical experience, today I approached a seaman fiddling with some ropes on the afterdeck. I observed his nimble fingers as he tied the ropes together. He saw me watching him, smiled and gave me a wink. Emboldened I stepped forward and said;"Excuse me, but would you be so kind as to show me your knots?"The next thing I remember was being pushed to the deck by those nimble hands, his smile turned into a frown."You dirty bugger!" He hissed at me and strode away.I fear hearing problems are not solely an issue for our Captain.
Dear Diary,A cry went up just after midday and looking up into the rigging I saw a seaman gesticulating to starboard. Those of us on deck rushed to see what all the fuss was about and there, not ten feet from our ship, we saw a group of those smooth skinned creatures I observed in recent days. It seems Miss Dixon was right and they are not sea monsters but porpoise. They swam alongside, keeping pace with us for a good hour before disappearing in the depths. It was a welcome distraction from the boredom of our shipbound days.The sea stretches endlessly port and starboard, fore and aft. I wonder how Willow is passing these idle days and if he thinks of me as I him.
Dear Diary,This evening we dined with the Captain at his table. I have had better meals but I suppose under the circumstances one cannot be too particular."Is this pheasant?" Asked Miss Dixon, as she poked at the overcooked meat on her plate."Yes, isn't it," smiled the Captain, " I do like get to know my passengers more intimately during the voyage. I trust you are comfortable in your quarters."We nodded and tried to keep the conversation to a minimum.After the meal, the Captain asked if we would like to take a turn upon the deck with him. We assented and stepped out beneath a waning moon.We had barely begun the circuit of the ship when Miss Dixon suddenly asked to be excused."I'm sorry Captain. I am in need of rest.""Of course, my dear lady," He smiled, " Are you ailing?""No, I am fine," she replied, " I must be cautious. My doctor says I have acute angina."She returned to her cabin and the Captain followed her departure with wide eyes."I bet she has," he sighed.
Dear Diary,I was engaged in my day dreaming and watching the ocean stream past when I was startled from my reverie by a large, smooth skinned creature that broke the surface alongside our hull. I leapt back and almost tumbled upon Miss Dixon embroidering on the booby. "Whatever is the matter, Mr Austen?" She gasped, "You have gone quite pale.""I think I saw a sea monster," I muttered."Oh, pish tush!" She laughed, "It cannot be so. I do not believe such things exist. You are out of sorts. Come rest upon my booby. Tell me again of the tale of the Nun and her tossing off on your Knob." I would have eagerly done so and yet at that moment a gentlewoman strolling past beneath her parasol collapsed in a faint and I went in search of smelling salts.
Dear Diary,I have explored all the areas of the vessel that are accessible to a passenger like myself and have wandered it's decks in all the possible pathways. I confess that, in the past, I may have been distracted by some observation of the sailors at work, as their rippling muscles glistened with sweat while they pulled on their halyards or lanyards but I find my interest in them is gone and I only long to lose myself in Willow's eyes. I was day dreaming amidships, leaning out over the bulwark and watching the water stream and bubble past when I heard a slight cough behind me."Excuse me," said a small thin man, "might your name be Wayne?""Indeed it is," I smiled, "Wayne Austen and you are?"His eyes twinkled and he giggled with glee."I am a Wayne too." He held out his hand."But I am a Wayne Kerr."
Dear Diary,This is torment. I cannot comprehend how these sailors endure this life. I long for distraction. In desperation I rapped upon the Captain's cabin door. He opened it and peered at me suspiciously."Captain, excuse my interuption, but I long for a book. Can you assist me?"His eyes widened briefly and then he winced."I know life at sea can be very lonely," he sighed, "but I am sorry, you are not my type."He went to close the door but then paused, "However, ask me again in a few days. I might be more desperate by then."
Dear Diary,I appear to have been quite hasty. I have discovered we could be at sea for some fourteen days! I know not if I shall bear it and yet I must. Already I tire of the view. There is little to amuse, however Miss Dixon appears more at ease the further the distance from our homeland. We sat upon a booby hatch in the intermittent sunshine and I asked her about her sudden whim to travel to the Colonies without her good friend Miss Forster."Oh, Mr Austen," she whispered, "it is less of a whim, more of a necessity. I will not bore you with the details but I believe I am a wanted woman." She smiled and gripped my arm."I am delighted for you," I replied, " whoever he is, who has called you to him, he is a fortunate fellow indeed."Miss Dixon smiled and appeared as if she was about to say something more but then thought better of it.We sat on the booby and admired the dull view.
Dear Diary,The accomodation aboard the 'Titan Nick' is more agreeable than that of the 'Hepatitis B' though, not much. Miss Dixon seems quite taken with her quarters. She wanders the deck barefooted. Earlier today a light zephyr lifted her skirts and I caught a glimpse of her sturdy sea legs. I felt they needed a shave but am sure many a sailor would be proud to own them. I came over all queer as I stood at the bow searching the sea ahead for a glimpse of Willow's ship. He is out there somewhere and I am determined to find him and yet it is beginning to dawn on me, the enormity of the task I am undertaking. New York is no Pimpmouth and how shall I find him there?I made polite conversation with the captain at the helm."You have a lovely ship" I commented."Aye, I did ta," he said, "but I wouldn't go in there for a few minutes...let the air clear."It seems he is hard of hearing.
Dear Diary,I hurried from my lodgings to meet Miss Dixon at the allotted time but was a little late. She was nowhere to be seen and I feared I had missed her and yet a few moments later I saw her approaching in haste."Mr Austen," she puffed, "Let us not tarry, but board at once," and she hurried past me. I followed her up the gangplank. She boarded with a friendly nod but I was halted at the top by a fine and stout fellow who, I percieved, was in need of a bath. "I do not recognise you Sir," he said. "Do you have passage?""Not exactly," I conceded "but I was hoping that I might..."I was interupted by heavy footsteps upon the gangplank behind me and was brushed aside by a gentleman in some hurry."Do you have a Mr Luckless upon your manifest?" He enquired.The sailor peered at his papers and nodded."I am afraid he is not fit to travel," said the gentleman."Unwell is he?" Asked the Sailor."No," said the gentleman," just dead. Might I get his things from his cabin?" He was directed below decks and the sailor turned back to me."Do you have any berths available?" I asked."It seems anothers misfortune is your gain, Mr....?" he replied. I looked around for Miss Dixon but she was nowhere to be seen."Austen," I answered, "Wayne Austen.""Well, Mr Austen," he smiled. "Welcome aboard 'The Titan Nick'. I hope you have a pleasant trip."
Dear Diary,I am of one mind... and of one heart and therefore I must follow it wherever it leads. I must venture to New York.I had found a ship leaving for the Colonies on the morrow but sadly there were no free berths. I tried all manner of persuasion but all to no avail. I was standing upon the quay devising a plan to creep on board the ship unseen and secrete myself in its bowels, amongst the futtocks, when I felt a hand upon my shoulder and turned to behold a familiar and welcome face."Mr Austen! It is you!" It was Miss Dixon. "What brings you here?" She said.
I told her of my fervent desire to get to New York, but did not inform her of the true reason. She listened with increasing joy but before I could inform her of my failure to gain passage she glanced anxiously around and told me that she too had decided to travel to the Colonies on a whim and had secured a berth the previous day."Oh, how wonderful that we shall be travelling together." She clapped her hands and beamed.I shook my head sadly. "There are no more berths available. It seems I shall not be able to travel with you." I sighed
Her smile faded and she became thoughtful. After a few moments she took my hand."Meet me here tomorrow at eight in the morning and bring your baggage. I may have some pleasing news for you."
Dear Diary,Pimpmouth was much larger than I expected. I stabled Python close to the harbour and then stood on the street and wondered where to commence my search for Willow. Did he have family here? I remembered my dream and decided to search the nearby churchyard for Woofters but found none buried within. I walked back to the harbour, which appeared to be the most bustling area of town. A large three masted ship was just leaving the quayside and people were cheering and waving. I looked for his familiar face amongst the gathered throng but my search was in vain. At last I stopped a gay fellow who came whistling along the quayside."Excuse me, Sir, but I am looking for a Woofter." I smiled."Ooh, you want the Rump and Rodger just along the Quay," he winked.I set off in the direction the fellow had indicated but was stopped in my tracks by a sailor, sat upon a wooden mooring post, who was playing a nautical ditty upon...... a pink oboe!"Where did you get that?" I entreated him. He removed the instrument from his lips and looked at me suspiciously."Careful!," he smirked, "you'll have my eye out with that nose!""Forgive me," I replied, "but I am looking for a man that owned an oboe such as that." He listened while I described Willow and nodded encouragingly throughout."Yep, sounds like the fellow who gave it to me," he said."Where might I find him?" I asked anxiously. "On that ship," said the sailor, pointing to the large, three masted ship heading for the horizon.My reaction to the news must have been dramatic for he leapt up from his perch saying;"You ok? 'Ere have a seat on my bollock."I was utterly devastated."Where is that ship bound?" I managed to utter."New York," he said.
Dear Diary,The Hoarbank Redemption!I slept terribly as is usual upon these rustic beds. The sack cloth bedding chafed my extremities and I am scratching constantly. I was startled awake by the bells for 'Matins' and spent the morning in utter desolation and helplessness. Around midday I heard footsteps in the passage beyond and my spirits lifted slightly in the anticipation of some broth and bread but when the door swung open was surprised, but delighted, to see my dear sister Fanny enter. I confess I wept with joy at seeing her welcome face and hugged her to me heartily.Sister Bernard was standing outside with another nun. I made to shut the door but Fanny stayed my hand."Wayne, I have brought Sister Hoarbank to visit you. She has come to offer you redemption."The other nun with Sister Bernard stepped forward, meekly, into the room and Fanny closed the door. "The only redemption I need is to be free of this place," I sighed."That is why I am here," squeaked Sister Hoarbank. Her voice was most odd. "I have come to 'extrabate' you.""Extricate!" Fanny corrected and hit the nun on her head. She laughed and pulled off her wimple to reveal Ned's head grinning back. I recoiled in horror thinking I must be dreaming but then realised it really was Ned."You make a dreadful nun." I gasped."Well, let us see if you make a better one," he said, removing his habit.Thus, disguised as a nun, I escaped Ballbanger Abbey with Fanny, while the brave Ned remained in my stead to surprise Sister Bernard.Some distance from the Abbey, Fanny halted the carriage. "Ned has told me everything. We have little time. Willow left for Pimpmouth three days ago." She pulled out a large bag. "I have packed some things for you and you will find money within." She hugged me again and kissed my forehead, then with tears welling up in her eyes said; "Go, find him and be happy."
Dear Diary,Such torment and frustration! How irritating that in the moment I finally realise my hearts desire I am unable to pursue it! I need to be free of this place so that I can search for Willow and offer him my heart. I have managed to dispatch a missive to Ned, via a passing merchant, to alert him of my predicament. I suspect Mother and Mrs Norris are behind my enforced captivity and have given him strict instructions not to arouse their suspicions. I await with impatience his intervention.
Dear Diary,Last night I had a dream.I was in a churchyard that was unfamiliar to me and I was wandering aimlessly amongst the headstones. Suddenly a name that I recognised caught my attention. Below an elaborately carved thistle was the name Donald Oswald Tobias-Scott. I then noticed the next headstone bore the name Victor Ashforth and the one after that Theo Fairweather. I looked around in consternation but recognised no other names. I made to escape the place when suddenly the ground beneath my feet began to shake violently and I fell to my knees and watched in horror as a chasm opened in the ground before me. Long tendrils emerged and twisted skyward and I covered my eyes and cowered in fear. At last the shaking stopped and I raised my head and there, overshadowing the three headstones of those men I once knew, stood a tree that had not been there before.It was a willow.At the first opportunity I sought an audience with the Abbess and informed her of my desire to leave at once. "I'm afraid, Mr Austen, that is not possible," she said."Not possible?" I asked incredulously, "Upon whose authority?""I cannot say." She smiled and looked heavenward.The word I uttered next wiped that smile from her face. (I will not blemish these pages with it but it rhymes with pollocks.) "You have no right to hold me here against my will. I leave at once!" I blustered."Oh, Sister Bernard," she called. The door opened and I gasped at what was revealed. At first glance it appeared to be a bear in a nun's habit and I pinched myself to see if I was still dreaming. I was not."Sister Bernard, accompany Mr Austen to his cell please and please ensure he stays there," said the Abbess."I did not know men were permitted to hold the sisterhood." I snorted."I am no man, " roared Sister Bernard, defensively."Then why do you have a moustache?" I replied, cockily. It was not a wise move. The Abbess shook her head in sorrow and with the words "God bless" left me to the mercy of Sister Bernard.
Dear Diary,Today I had a visitor. It was Ned come from Far Corfe and he had news of Willow.It seems Willow was not seen after the ceremony until he reappeared at Far Corfe Hall yesterday to resume his service. However, he was called into the sitting room by Mrs Norris and summarily dismissed. Ned reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter addressed to me." He entreated me to give you this, before he left," he said.I took it from him and looked at my name written upon it in Willow's beautiful , cursive style.Hesitantly, I opened it and read:Dearest Wayne,From the first moment I saw you I felt my heart sing as it never has before.I sensed your lonliness and your sadness and in your eyes saw only goodness and virtue and I have loved you ever since.Our moments together were always too brief and yet I shall cherish their memory and carry them with me forever.How I have longed to hold your hand, to place my lips upon yours and to breathe with you..... I was sure you felt it equally. I was wrong. So I wish you eternal happiness and bid you adieu.I will hold you in my dreams forever.You have all of me...Willow.
Dear Diary,Today I was presented with a rough hessian garment and told to dress in it. Shortly after I was called and led to an audience with the Abbess where I was required to lay upon a table and prayers were said over me. I was sprinkled with holy water and then incantations were sung. There had been little for breakfast and when my stomach rumbled it was taken to be some sign of progress. Further prayers and incantations ensued and I began to tire of the whole thing for the table was most uncomfortable. I began to wriggle and writhe in discomfort before finally I began to yawn. During one particular yawn, to my embarrassment in such holy company, I belched slightly."The demon is gone, praise the Lord!" Said the Abbess and I was finally allowed back to my cell. I expelled three more demons after dinner this evening and a few moments ago I fear I released a dragon or something quite sizable but propriety prevents me from commenting upon it's exact exit point.
Dear Diary,I am back in a cell at Ballbanger Abbey for further 'contemplation' but in this instance came willingly to escape the turmoil at Far Corfe and managed to secrete you, dear diary, about my person. It was Ned's plan to halt the wedding proceedings and declare his love for Titty, who would then declare her love for him and with the added blessing of their union from my 'helpful' Father, Ned was then to take my place at the altar after vowing to bring up Annie as his own. Willow's ejaculation was an unexpected occurrence which proved as fortuitous as it was shocking. It sent Mrs Norris into a heavy faint so that when Ned finally declared his hand she was not able to raise objection and by the time she regained her senses Mrs Titty Reckson was accompanying her husband Ned back up the aisle.And what of Willow?Well, the stunned silence that ensued his revelation was only broken by the sound of Mrs Norris collapsing to the floor. No one seemed too concerned for all eyes were turned upon me, at that moment, in complete bewilderment. I doubt I have ever felt so self conscious as I did at that moment, except for the time I was naked before the whole crew of the 'Hepatitis B'. I shrugged in equal bewilderment and laughing nervously shook my head and answered him with;"I don't."I looked at Willow and saw the sparkle in his blue eyes dim and then he turned and left the Chapel. The events that then followed I have already described. I have not seem him again since then and I confess that he is on my mind and of great concern to me at this time.On a positive note, which is of little comfort, those postulants are no longer so attentive.
Dear Diary,All efforts had been taken to keep todays ceremony hushed but quite a number of villagers were skulking in the Chapel's vicinity. Some pretended to be 'brambling', others just happened to be out walking and quite a few had come to pay their respects to their dead relatives in the graveyard. I sat upon the first pew and while I waited, gazed up at the colourful painted window behind the altar. It depicted the Creation from the first day until the last. My eyes drifted through the scenes until they arrived at Adam and Eve standing beneath a tree. Sat in the tree just above their heads was a single magpie.At that moment the organ swelled and I rose and turned to face down the aisle. Mother and Father were seated behind me with Mrs Norris, Fanny, Jane and a smirking Willy. On the other side of the aisle sat the lonely figure of Mrs Clamp holding Annie and behind her Ned. All now rose too and faced towards the back of the church.Reverend Peacock slowly began to process down the aisle followed by Titty and her Father. As they passed, the assembled guests turned to follow them and I noted there were few smiles upon this 'happy' occasion. At last Mr Clamp placed Titty's hand upon mine and went and stood by his wife. We turned and faced Reverend Parsons standing before the altar."Let us sing The Lord is my Shepherd," he pronounced.Titty leapt slightly when Mrs Norris screeched the first note. Fortunately, we only sang one verse on the pretext of quickening the proceedings but in truth it was to save our ears.The Reverend began;"We have come together in the presence of God, to witness the marriage of Wayne and Titty, to ask his blessing on them, and to share in their joy."Willy sniggered."Our Lord Jesus Christ was himself a guest at a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and through his Spirit he is with us now." I heard Ned yawn."Marriage is given, that husband and wife may comfort and help each other, living faithfully together in need and in plenty, in sorrow and in joy. It is given, that with delight and tenderness they may know each other in love, and, through the joy of their bodily union, may strengthen the union of their hearts and lives."Willy sniggered again and I heard the dull thud of Jane's hand upon his head. "It is given as the foundation of family life in which children may be born and oh, let's......er...miss that bit out," said the Reverand blushing slightly."In marriage husband and wife belong to one another, and they begin a new life together. It is a way of life that all should honour; and it must not be undertaken carelessly, lightly, or selfishly, but reverently, responsibly, and after serious thought." I felt quite ill as the tension mounted and the moment approached."First, I am required to ask anyone present who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry, to declare it now."I held my breath and Titty gasped as I squeezed her fingers a little too tightly. The silence seemed never ending as I willed it to be broken.......and then....."I know of a reason!" A voice called out.Something was wrong.I turned and looked at Ned, but he just shrugged at me and turned to face the real objector.Everyone had turned towards the back and then out of the shadows stepped Willow, his head held high with pride."And your r..r..reason?" stuttered the Reverend weakly."Mr Austen loves me." He said.
Dear Diary,I was alone in the dining room this afternoon after lunch. Everyone else had excused themselves and retreated to continue to lead their normal lives.Ned came in to clear the plates."It's a big day tomorrow," he whispered."Ned, can I be frank with you?" I asked."Of course," he smiled as he collected up the dishes."I am absolutely terrified and I am trusting that you will be ready to make your move at the right moment." I confessed.He paused in his task and looked at me sympathetically and then resting a hand upon my shoulder, with a squeeze, said;"Don't worry Frank. Everything is going to be fine."
