Dear Diary,
Seasons greetings and happy felicitations!
May your Christmas be as gay as mine and your goose well stuffed!
Cheers!
Kristin Chenowith - Home
13 years ago
Friday
Friday 11th November 1811
Dear Diary,
I have long neglected you and trust you can forgive me, for as you know there have been greater distractions of late.
Our attempts to find the money to purchase the Knob from 'Arfur' Foulksayke have been quite exhausting. Our trip to Far Corfe was rewarded with £100 from Mrs Norris, thus proving her heart is almost as expansive as her bosom.
I also bring the news that Titty's Pork Hunt was well attended and raised a gallant £13 and 3 shillings.
Many of our friends ventured out in our support. Harden Thicke offered his Dick for stroking to those who gave up what they could afford. Llewellyn Dowd's leeches were less popular however but 'Wussell Spwout's 'wendition' of 'Awise Glowious Conquewer' brought funds flooding in from those offering it for him to stop.
Despite our tireless efforts sadly it was not enough and as the time drew nigh to make our offer to 'Arfur' I took a last ride upon the Knob.
I confess my eyes filled with tears as gazed upon that view for the last time and I resolved to leave the Nethers forever.
I am certain that what occurred at that moment was indeed 'Divine Intervention' for as I blinked away my tears I beheld a wondrous rainbow arching before me out across the valley and there at its end a beech tree festooned with the golden raiment of autumn.
I was a desperate man willing to do anything to save 'his' Knob.
I rode back to Knob End and urged Willow, Harden and Ned to follow me out to the tree and we dug and dug beneath its spreading branches.
As the last light of the day faded Ned's shovel finally unearthed what I hoped we would find; The Longbird Fortune.
Thursday last, Willow, the Misses Dixon and Foster and I journeyed hard to Scotland, to Foulk Hall and offered 'Arfur' Foulksayke £5113 and 3 shillings and he presented us with the deeds to the Knob and a haunch of venison.
There was great rejoicing upon our return yestereve.
Today a special service was held in the Chapel to dedicate the Knob for posterity to the people of Cobbler's Bottom.
"Mr Austen," said Ned from the pulpit, " we cannot thank you enough for our Knob for posterior."
I 'wanked' at him.
And what of Cain?
I fear I have made an even greater enemy of him. When he heard the news he lunged at me and would have struck me if Father's Todger had not leapt up to my defence.
He left Thrushcock Grange this evening with all his belongings.
He did not say goodbye.
I shall remain in the Nethers for now.
My mind is full of ideas for making the Knob more accessible for all and I am sure I can persuade Harden to assist me with that. I shall commission Ned to erect his greatest erection yet for all to sit upon and marvel at the view.
I leave you to concentrate upon a novel I intend to write.
If you should miss me...I am here...all you need do is leaf back through your pages and find me again.
I hear Willow out in the garden calling for the goat I have bought him. It is always venturing off. He was to call it 'Ralphene' but has now chosen another name.
If ever you have the pleasure to be upon the Knob in the days to come, you may hear us somewhere below calling for our goat;
"Arfur Foulksayke!"
I have long neglected you and trust you can forgive me, for as you know there have been greater distractions of late.
Our attempts to find the money to purchase the Knob from 'Arfur' Foulksayke have been quite exhausting. Our trip to Far Corfe was rewarded with £100 from Mrs Norris, thus proving her heart is almost as expansive as her bosom.
I also bring the news that Titty's Pork Hunt was well attended and raised a gallant £13 and 3 shillings.
Many of our friends ventured out in our support. Harden Thicke offered his Dick for stroking to those who gave up what they could afford. Llewellyn Dowd's leeches were less popular however but 'Wussell Spwout's 'wendition' of 'Awise Glowious Conquewer' brought funds flooding in from those offering it for him to stop.
Despite our tireless efforts sadly it was not enough and as the time drew nigh to make our offer to 'Arfur' I took a last ride upon the Knob.
I confess my eyes filled with tears as gazed upon that view for the last time and I resolved to leave the Nethers forever.
I am certain that what occurred at that moment was indeed 'Divine Intervention' for as I blinked away my tears I beheld a wondrous rainbow arching before me out across the valley and there at its end a beech tree festooned with the golden raiment of autumn.
I was a desperate man willing to do anything to save 'his' Knob.
I rode back to Knob End and urged Willow, Harden and Ned to follow me out to the tree and we dug and dug beneath its spreading branches.
As the last light of the day faded Ned's shovel finally unearthed what I hoped we would find; The Longbird Fortune.
Thursday last, Willow, the Misses Dixon and Foster and I journeyed hard to Scotland, to Foulk Hall and offered 'Arfur' Foulksayke £5113 and 3 shillings and he presented us with the deeds to the Knob and a haunch of venison.
There was great rejoicing upon our return yestereve.
Today a special service was held in the Chapel to dedicate the Knob for posterity to the people of Cobbler's Bottom.
"Mr Austen," said Ned from the pulpit, " we cannot thank you enough for our Knob for posterior."
I 'wanked' at him.
And what of Cain?
I fear I have made an even greater enemy of him. When he heard the news he lunged at me and would have struck me if Father's Todger had not leapt up to my defence.
He left Thrushcock Grange this evening with all his belongings.
He did not say goodbye.
I shall remain in the Nethers for now.
My mind is full of ideas for making the Knob more accessible for all and I am sure I can persuade Harden to assist me with that. I shall commission Ned to erect his greatest erection yet for all to sit upon and marvel at the view.
I leave you to concentrate upon a novel I intend to write.
If you should miss me...I am here...all you need do is leaf back through your pages and find me again.
I hear Willow out in the garden calling for the goat I have bought him. It is always venturing off. He was to call it 'Ralphene' but has now chosen another name.
If ever you have the pleasure to be upon the Knob in the days to come, you may hear us somewhere below calling for our goat;
"Arfur Foulksayke!"
Sunday
Sunday 6th November 1811
Dear Diary,
'Where have you been?' I hear you ask.
"Far Corfe!" I reply.
I confess I abandoned you at Knob End during my absence though you will concede I am distracted by urgent matters at this present time.
'Where have you been?' I hear you ask.
"Far Corfe!" I reply.
I confess I abandoned you at Knob End during my absence though you will concede I am distracted by urgent matters at this present time.
Wednesday
Tuesday 2nd November 1811
Dear Diary,
While Cain is occupied admonishing trespassers upon what he now believes is his Knob. I have been engaged in my attempts to raise funds to purchase it before he discovers the papers to which he put his signature have been mislaid.
I have spent much of the day discussing the details of Titty's Pork Hunt.
I was returning home when I encountered Llewellyn Dowd. I pressed him to keep it secret and told him of our fund raising.
He has offered the use of his leeches for those willing to donate to our cause.
I doubt his kind offer will bring much reward.
While Cain is occupied admonishing trespassers upon what he now believes is his Knob. I have been engaged in my attempts to raise funds to purchase it before he discovers the papers to which he put his signature have been mislaid.
I have spent much of the day discussing the details of Titty's Pork Hunt.
I was returning home when I encountered Llewellyn Dowd. I pressed him to keep it secret and told him of our fund raising.
He has offered the use of his leeches for those willing to donate to our cause.
I doubt his kind offer will bring much reward.
Monday
Monday 31st October 1811
Dear Diary,
How the dark draws in upon us as the months march on.
I was still up in Cobbler's Bottom when dusk fell and had just resolved to begin my journey home when I was caught by the Goolies!
I was surprised to see them so far from Netherton.
We exchanged greetings and pleasantries and I had just succeeded in extricating myself from their grasping company on the pretence of being called to finger the Parson's organ when I turned and fell over a pumpkin that had been discarded carelessly upon the ground.
I was hauled up from this indignity by the Goolies and limped home.
How the dark draws in upon us as the months march on.
I was still up in Cobbler's Bottom when dusk fell and had just resolved to begin my journey home when I was caught by the Goolies!
I was surprised to see them so far from Netherton.
We exchanged greetings and pleasantries and I had just succeeded in extricating myself from their grasping company on the pretence of being called to finger the Parson's organ when I turned and fell over a pumpkin that had been discarded carelessly upon the ground.
I was hauled up from this indignity by the Goolies and limped home.
Sunday
Sunday 30th October 1811
Dear Diary,
How I am grateful for the familiarity and warmth of my own Knob End.
How soft and welcome is this cushion upon which I am sat.
How I tried to appear delighted as Mrs Crutchlow presented me with a plate of sausage, potatoes and turnip for dinner.
How I am grateful for the familiarity and warmth of my own Knob End.
How soft and welcome is this cushion upon which I am sat.
How I tried to appear delighted as Mrs Crutchlow presented me with a plate of sausage, potatoes and turnip for dinner.
Saturday
Saturday 29th October 1811
Dear Diary,
After slipping into Foulk Hall uninvited we are now guests of honour and last evening sat beside its owner, 'Arfur' Foulksayke.
All has turned out better than I had hoped even though our dinner last night was almost identical to the one we had at the Inn in Stirling the previous evening.
I leant over to him during dessert and told him of my interest in his Knob. When he had recovered from almost choking upon his cranachan I was able to explain further.
It would appear Cain has raised £5000 to buy the Knob but 'Arfur' has assured me he will delay the sale for a fortnight if we can better my brothers offer.
We are determined to try.
I think we will have need of Titty's Pork Hunt.
After slipping into Foulk Hall uninvited we are now guests of honour and last evening sat beside its owner, 'Arfur' Foulksayke.
All has turned out better than I had hoped even though our dinner last night was almost identical to the one we had at the Inn in Stirling the previous evening.
I leant over to him during dessert and told him of my interest in his Knob. When he had recovered from almost choking upon his cranachan I was able to explain further.
It would appear Cain has raised £5000 to buy the Knob but 'Arfur' has assured me he will delay the sale for a fortnight if we can better my brothers offer.
We are determined to try.
I think we will have need of Titty's Pork Hunt.
Friday
Friday 28th October 1811
Dear Diary,
We rode as boldly as we could up to the entrance of Foulk Hall.
By some fortuitous chance there was already a large gathering of gentlemen about the forecourt and by all accounts it would seem they were gathering for a hunt. A groom stepped forward and took away our horses and we slipped into the throng unnoticed.
How fitting that surrounded by these huntsmen we were embarking upon a hunt of our own.
"What does he look like?" Willow whispered as we walked through the grand entrance into the hall.
I shook my head and shrugged "I have no idea."
Suddenly there came a voice from the top of the stairs,
"Wewcome Gents, Let the 'unt begin!"
I only caught a quick glimpse of the fellow who spoke before we were swept out with the tide of eager huntsmen. I lost sight of Willow in the melee and once outside all I could do was follow the crowd up the hill and into the woods.
In the woods everyone began to spread out and move away quietly into the trees and I took the opportunity to wander away on my own.
As you know I have never been one to enjoy the hunt so I found a secluded spot and sat down upon a fallen tree trunk. I winced in some discomfort but weathered it and it gradually subsided. I passed the time by trying to identify all the trees about me and then when tired of that drew out my pocket knife and started whittling idly away at a twig.
I cannot say how long I had been sat there before I became aware of the presence of another but I suddenly turned to find a huge stag standing not ten feet behind me.
I do not know how I had not heard its approach but there it stood boldly returning my stare.
I raised myself up and expected it to flee at my movement but it stood its ground and lowered its head slightly.
"Shoo," I said.
It snorted and pawed at the undergrowth with one of its front hooves.
"Be off or I shall be forced to use this," I cried, brandishing my inadequate pocket knife.
It lunged forward and startled I stepped back and with a cry tripped over a protruding root and fell backwards into the thicket.
Almost immediately there was a loud explosion close by. I heard the stag fall and a flock of rooks flew up from the trees above wheeled away calling in alarm.
"Blimey!" someone said, "Well played, Fella!"
I looked up to find the fellow from the top of the stairs standing over me holding his still smoking gun. He was all smiles. He held out a hand to me and helped me up.
He did not release my hand once I was back on my feet but kept shaking it warmly.
"Arfur," he said.
"Arthur?" I repeated.
"No, Arfur...Arfur Foulksayke. Pleased ta meet ya"
I was pleased to meet him.
My hunt was over.
By some fortuitous chance there was already a large gathering of gentlemen about the forecourt and by all accounts it would seem they were gathering for a hunt. A groom stepped forward and took away our horses and we slipped into the throng unnoticed.
How fitting that surrounded by these huntsmen we were embarking upon a hunt of our own.
"What does he look like?" Willow whispered as we walked through the grand entrance into the hall.
I shook my head and shrugged "I have no idea."
Suddenly there came a voice from the top of the stairs,
"Wewcome Gents, Let the 'unt begin!"
I only caught a quick glimpse of the fellow who spoke before we were swept out with the tide of eager huntsmen. I lost sight of Willow in the melee and once outside all I could do was follow the crowd up the hill and into the woods.
In the woods everyone began to spread out and move away quietly into the trees and I took the opportunity to wander away on my own.
As you know I have never been one to enjoy the hunt so I found a secluded spot and sat down upon a fallen tree trunk. I winced in some discomfort but weathered it and it gradually subsided. I passed the time by trying to identify all the trees about me and then when tired of that drew out my pocket knife and started whittling idly away at a twig.
I cannot say how long I had been sat there before I became aware of the presence of another but I suddenly turned to find a huge stag standing not ten feet behind me.
I do not know how I had not heard its approach but there it stood boldly returning my stare.
I raised myself up and expected it to flee at my movement but it stood its ground and lowered its head slightly.
"Shoo," I said.
It snorted and pawed at the undergrowth with one of its front hooves.
"Be off or I shall be forced to use this," I cried, brandishing my inadequate pocket knife.
It lunged forward and startled I stepped back and with a cry tripped over a protruding root and fell backwards into the thicket.
Almost immediately there was a loud explosion close by. I heard the stag fall and a flock of rooks flew up from the trees above wheeled away calling in alarm.
"Blimey!" someone said, "Well played, Fella!"
I looked up to find the fellow from the top of the stairs standing over me holding his still smoking gun. He was all smiles. He held out a hand to me and helped me up.
He did not release my hand once I was back on my feet but kept shaking it warmly.
"Arfur," he said.
"Arthur?" I repeated.
"No, Arfur...Arfur Foulksayke. Pleased ta meet ya"
I was pleased to meet him.
My hunt was over.
Thursday
Thursday 27th October 1811
Dear Diary,
I fear I may never recover my usual gait after all this riding of recent days.
I cannot recall a time when I have been so reluctant to sit down as I am now.
You find us resting in Stirling and tomorrow shall attempt to gain entry to Foulk Hall.
I long for this matter to be closed. I am quite weary of it all and I fear if we fail tomorrow I shall be forced to give up my Knob forever.
Feeling peckish I called upon the landlord of this Inn to ask about dinner.
It was as if he were speaking another language!
I spurned his 'aggis, tatties and neeps' and asked he fetch something else.
He brought a strangely large sausage some potatoes and turnips.
It was quite nice.
I fear I may never recover my usual gait after all this riding of recent days.
I cannot recall a time when I have been so reluctant to sit down as I am now.
You find us resting in Stirling and tomorrow shall attempt to gain entry to Foulk Hall.
I long for this matter to be closed. I am quite weary of it all and I fear if we fail tomorrow I shall be forced to give up my Knob forever.
Feeling peckish I called upon the landlord of this Inn to ask about dinner.
It was as if he were speaking another language!
I spurned his 'aggis, tatties and neeps' and asked he fetch something else.
He brought a strangely large sausage some potatoes and turnips.
It was quite nice.
Wednesday
Wednesday 26th October 1811
Dear Diary,
We are returned to Knob End and remain quite tender in places but cannot rest for we are to make preparations to journey on in our efforts to save The Knob.
We are to Scotland in the morning.
I shall appraise you of the situation when time allows.
We are returned to Knob End and remain quite tender in places but cannot rest for we are to make preparations to journey on in our efforts to save The Knob.
We are to Scotland in the morning.
I shall appraise you of the situation when time allows.
Tuesday
Tuesday 25th October 1811
Dear Diary,
We are taking a more sedate pace in our journey home for we still have far to go this week and do not wish to task our horses too greatly. Thus we are resting for the night in Bottom Flash in Cheshire. If I look up from the desk upon which I write I can see a full moon!
We are taking a more sedate pace in our journey home for we still have far to go this week and do not wish to task our horses too greatly. Thus we are resting for the night in Bottom Flash in Cheshire. If I look up from the desk upon which I write I can see a full moon!
Monday
Monday 24th October 1811
Dear Diary,
We rose early despite still being quite fatigued with our lengthy journey.
Our lodgings were close by the Tower so we had only a cock's stride to our destination in the City.
I cannot tell you how my heart leapt in my chest as I stood on the step afore Number 13 Back Passage.
The door was ajar and invited entrance and we stepped in. I fiddled nervously with my moleskin mittens as we entered the hallway.
Suddenly a door opened and out stepped a gentleman quite fashionably dressed carrying a bundle of papers. He looked up upon noticing our presence.
"Can I be of assistance, Gentlemen?" He enquired, peering over the top of his spectacles.
" We are looking to speak with Mr F..F..." I stuttered in my anxiety.
"Do you have an appointment?" He interrupted briskly.
"Well, I...er...No." I replied.
"Good..." he said, "for I would have had to apologise for his absence as it is I can only inform you he is not here. He has been called away to Foulk Hall in the Trossachs and shall not return until the end of the week. Who shall I say called upon him?"
I was somewhat taken aback by this turn of events but gathered my wits to answer him.
"Austen," I replied, "Mr Austen."
"Ah, yes, Mr Austen, I have just this moment received your correspondence regarding the land purchase."
He held up a large brown envelope.
"Be assured that this matter shall be sealed upon his return from Scotland."
Willow stepped forward and took the envelope from his hand and now it was this fellows turn to be taken aback.
"How fortuitous we came," said Willow, "for we cannot wait until then."
The fellow looked at me with some concern.
"He is my partner." I smiled.
"We shall at once to these Trollocks..." said Willow.
"Trossachs," I corrected.
"Yes, Trossachs," said Willow, " and get this matter dealt with. Come Wayne.....I mean Cain. Let us ride."
He swept out with the envelope.
The gentleman stood there open mouthed peering over his spectacles.
"Good day." I smiled and disappeared up Back Passage.
Willow tossed the fragments of Cain's torn up letter into the Thames and we enjoyed the rest of the day and evening about the City.
"Shall we to the Theatre?" asked Willow.
"Why ever not." I replied. "I feel we could do anything after today. In fact, I feel quite 'Wicked'."
Our lodgings were close by the Tower so we had only a cock's stride to our destination in the City.
I cannot tell you how my heart leapt in my chest as I stood on the step afore Number 13 Back Passage.
The door was ajar and invited entrance and we stepped in. I fiddled nervously with my moleskin mittens as we entered the hallway.
Suddenly a door opened and out stepped a gentleman quite fashionably dressed carrying a bundle of papers. He looked up upon noticing our presence.
"Can I be of assistance, Gentlemen?" He enquired, peering over the top of his spectacles.
" We are looking to speak with Mr F..F..." I stuttered in my anxiety.
"Do you have an appointment?" He interrupted briskly.
"Well, I...er...No." I replied.
"Good..." he said, "for I would have had to apologise for his absence as it is I can only inform you he is not here. He has been called away to Foulk Hall in the Trossachs and shall not return until the end of the week. Who shall I say called upon him?"
I was somewhat taken aback by this turn of events but gathered my wits to answer him.
"Austen," I replied, "Mr Austen."
"Ah, yes, Mr Austen, I have just this moment received your correspondence regarding the land purchase."
He held up a large brown envelope.
"Be assured that this matter shall be sealed upon his return from Scotland."
Willow stepped forward and took the envelope from his hand and now it was this fellows turn to be taken aback.
"How fortuitous we came," said Willow, "for we cannot wait until then."
The fellow looked at me with some concern.
"He is my partner." I smiled.
"We shall at once to these Trollocks..." said Willow.
"Trossachs," I corrected.
"Yes, Trossachs," said Willow, " and get this matter dealt with. Come Wayne.....I mean Cain. Let us ride."
He swept out with the envelope.
The gentleman stood there open mouthed peering over his spectacles.
"Good day." I smiled and disappeared up Back Passage.
Willow tossed the fragments of Cain's torn up letter into the Thames and we enjoyed the rest of the day and evening about the City.
"Shall we to the Theatre?" asked Willow.
"Why ever not." I replied. "I feel we could do anything after today. In fact, I feel quite 'Wicked'."
Sunday
Sunday 23rd October 1811
Dear Diary,
We have a long hard ride to London.
I am sure my Python has the stamina. I hope Willow's 'Homeau' is just as hardy.
We have a long hard ride to London.
I am sure my Python has the stamina. I hope Willow's 'Homeau' is just as hardy.
Saturday
Saturday 22nd October 1811
Dear Diary,
I was selecting my wardrobe for London when I was called down by Mrs Crutchlow and found Cain standing in the hallway.
" I have come to invite you for a final ride upon my Knob."
"A tempting offer," I replied 'but I fear I am otherwise occupied at the present time."
"Tomorrow then?" He asked.
I shook my head.
"I am sorry," I answered "I have a previous appointment."
"Pity," he sighed, "For come Monday it shall be too late."
"The deal is sealed?" I was taken aback.
"Not as we stand here," he smiled "but I have signed the papers and returned them. Upon their arrival Monday morning the hill shall be mine."
If he had followed those words with 'Muahahahahahahahahahaha!' it would not have been out of place.
I was selecting my wardrobe for London when I was called down by Mrs Crutchlow and found Cain standing in the hallway.
" I have come to invite you for a final ride upon my Knob."
"A tempting offer," I replied 'but I fear I am otherwise occupied at the present time."
"Tomorrow then?" He asked.
I shook my head.
"I am sorry," I answered "I have a previous appointment."
"Pity," he sighed, "For come Monday it shall be too late."
"The deal is sealed?" I was taken aback.
"Not as we stand here," he smiled "but I have signed the papers and returned them. Upon their arrival Monday morning the hill shall be mine."
If he had followed those words with 'Muahahahahahahahahahaha!' it would not have been out of place.
Friday
Friday 21st October 1811
Dear Diary,
Such a splendid eve spent in the company of Misses Foster and Dixon yesterday.
I told them of the troubles with 'my' Knob and of our impending journey to London in our bid to outflank Cain.
I perceived by the manner in which Miss Dixon sliced into her lamb balls that she held no affection for my brother.
"If only we could lay our hands upon the Longbird fortune," she said between mouthfuls, " for then I am sure we should be able to acquire it for our own."
If only, indeed!
Such a splendid eve spent in the company of Misses Foster and Dixon yesterday.
I told them of the troubles with 'my' Knob and of our impending journey to London in our bid to outflank Cain.
I perceived by the manner in which Miss Dixon sliced into her lamb balls that she held no affection for my brother.
"If only we could lay our hands upon the Longbird fortune," she said between mouthfuls, " for then I am sure we should be able to acquire it for our own."
If only, indeed!
Thursday
Thursday 20th October 1811
Dear Diary,
We are to Nethermouth for dinner with the Misses Foster and Dixon.
We are to Nethermouth for dinner with the Misses Foster and Dixon.
Tuesday
Tuesday 18th October 1811
Dear Diary,
Arrangements have been made and we are to London at the weekend.
Cain must not know of our visit and so we are telling no one of our plans.
I trust you can keep a secret.
Monday
Monday 17th October 1811
Dear Diary,
Opposition to Cain's mining up on the Knob is burgeoning. I was twice halted in Cobbler's Bottom by towns folk keen to offer help. This all follows on from yesterdays visit by Ned and Titty.
Titty believes her Pork Hunt would be a wonderful start to raising funds to purchase the Knob for ourselves.
She proposes the slaughter of one of their pigs and then hiding pieces of the divided carcase about the woodland upon the Knob. Those fellows keen for a little pork would purchase tickets to thrash about the Knob hunting for the meat.
I confess I was rendered speechless.
Opposition to Cain's mining up on the Knob is burgeoning. I was twice halted in Cobbler's Bottom by towns folk keen to offer help. This all follows on from yesterdays visit by Ned and Titty.
Titty believes her Pork Hunt would be a wonderful start to raising funds to purchase the Knob for ourselves.
She proposes the slaughter of one of their pigs and then hiding pieces of the divided carcase about the woodland upon the Knob. Those fellows keen for a little pork would purchase tickets to thrash about the Knob hunting for the meat.
I confess I was rendered speechless.
Sunday
Sunday 16th October 1811
Dear Diary,
Yesterday was a glorious autumnal day and Willow and I rode out around the Nethers to enjoy the sunshine.
We circumnavigated the wooded shores of a pretty lakelet before journeying home by way of Netherton, stopping to enjoy another evening at the theatre.
Today Jenny Tull caught up with us on our way home from Chapel with the news that she had finally discovered the whereabouts of the true owner of the Knob.
It would seem that he lives in London.
Perhaps he can be persuaded to change his mind.
I shall have to make arrangements to visit London as soon as possible.
This evening brought two visitors to Knob End.
I opened the door to find Ned and Titty upon the threshold.
"Pardon, our intrusion upon your evening Mr Austen," said Ned, "but we would like to tell you about Titty's Pork Hunt."
Yesterday was a glorious autumnal day and Willow and I rode out around the Nethers to enjoy the sunshine.
We circumnavigated the wooded shores of a pretty lakelet before journeying home by way of Netherton, stopping to enjoy another evening at the theatre.
Today Jenny Tull caught up with us on our way home from Chapel with the news that she had finally discovered the whereabouts of the true owner of the Knob.
It would seem that he lives in London.
Perhaps he can be persuaded to change his mind.
I shall have to make arrangements to visit London as soon as possible.
This evening brought two visitors to Knob End.
I opened the door to find Ned and Titty upon the threshold.
"Pardon, our intrusion upon your evening Mr Austen," said Ned, "but we would like to tell you about Titty's Pork Hunt."
Friday
Friday 14th October 1811
Dear Diary,
The week has been quite lengthy and dull.
I have spent much time buried in my Fanny Burney and on occasions fingering my instrument.
Today has been quite an ordeal however.
Mrs Crutchlow is away visiting family for the weekend and Harden Thicke returned home after lunch as his Dick was looking a little limp and shivering so due to the cold.
I shall not burden you with the circumstances of how I came to be in the privy but as I opened the door to leave I was confronted by a large toad in the hallway beyond.
Why do these creatures insist upon invading my home?
It lunged towards me and I retreated, hastily, back into the privy where I remained until Willow returned from school, some four hours later.
Happily he discovered the creature in a dark corner of one of the guest rooms and returned it to the garden.
Such a relief for I would scarce have slept a wink tonight.
The week has been quite lengthy and dull.
I have spent much time buried in my Fanny Burney and on occasions fingering my instrument.
Today has been quite an ordeal however.
Mrs Crutchlow is away visiting family for the weekend and Harden Thicke returned home after lunch as his Dick was looking a little limp and shivering so due to the cold.
I shall not burden you with the circumstances of how I came to be in the privy but as I opened the door to leave I was confronted by a large toad in the hallway beyond.
Why do these creatures insist upon invading my home?
It lunged towards me and I retreated, hastily, back into the privy where I remained until Willow returned from school, some four hours later.
Happily he discovered the creature in a dark corner of one of the guest rooms and returned it to the garden.
Such a relief for I would scarce have slept a wink tonight.
Monday
Monday 10th October 1811
Dear Diary,
We have been to Netherton for a little 'thespic' entertainment with mother and father.
The journey home was wet and misty and I feel uncomfortably moist.
I am quite exhausted and ready for my cot.
Goodnight.
We have been to Netherton for a little 'thespic' entertainment with mother and father.
The journey home was wet and misty and I feel uncomfortably moist.
I am quite exhausted and ready for my cot.
Goodnight.
Sunday
Sunday 8th October 1811
Dear Diary,
I do believe someone is not getting their fair share of precipitation.
My garden has had more than enough and although I have been contemplating a water feature I fear the one I possess at present is not to my liking.
I shall set Harden Thicke to draining it when he arrives on the morrow.
I pressed Mrs Crutchlow into making a Nethershire Parkin and some oat biscuits whilst I bathed before a roaring fire upstairs.
I returned downstairs and found Willow seated by the fire and peering at his lap. He beckoned me closer and I bent lower for closer inspection.
There upon his breeches lay that troublesome gnat. It appeared to be upon its back with its legs wriggling around.
The parlour door opened but we were too transfixed upon the struggling insect to look up.
"Oh my!" I gasped, "look how it is engorged with blood!"
There was a clatter behind us and an oat biscuit rolled across the floor and came to rest upon Willow's shoe.
We looked up.
"Do beg my pardon, sirs," blushed Mrs Crutchlow bending to gather the fallen biscuits and tray.
"I'll pop back later."
She disappeared and we returned our attention to the gnat.
I do believe someone is not getting their fair share of precipitation.
My garden has had more than enough and although I have been contemplating a water feature I fear the one I possess at present is not to my liking.
I shall set Harden Thicke to draining it when he arrives on the morrow.
I pressed Mrs Crutchlow into making a Nethershire Parkin and some oat biscuits whilst I bathed before a roaring fire upstairs.
I returned downstairs and found Willow seated by the fire and peering at his lap. He beckoned me closer and I bent lower for closer inspection.
There upon his breeches lay that troublesome gnat. It appeared to be upon its back with its legs wriggling around.
The parlour door opened but we were too transfixed upon the struggling insect to look up.
"Oh my!" I gasped, "look how it is engorged with blood!"
There was a clatter behind us and an oat biscuit rolled across the floor and came to rest upon Willow's shoe.
We looked up.
"Do beg my pardon, sirs," blushed Mrs Crutchlow bending to gather the fallen biscuits and tray.
"I'll pop back later."
She disappeared and we returned our attention to the gnat.
Saturday
Saturday 8th October 1811
Dear Diary,
A miserable day outdoors meant we were compelled to find indoor distraction.
I found distraction in my Fanny Burney until there was a knock upon the door.
It was Ned come to offer us his plums.
It was the highlight of the day.
A miserable day outdoors meant we were compelled to find indoor distraction.
I found distraction in my Fanny Burney until there was a knock upon the door.
It was Ned come to offer us his plums.
It was the highlight of the day.
Thursday
Thursday 6th October 1811
Dear Diary,
The rodent may have gone but we are pestered by a gnat!
It has surely come in out of the persistent rain and attempts to feed upon us at its leisure.
How strange it must appear to view us suddenly slapping at our faces and necks or violently swiping at the air.
T'would surely appear we suffer madness.
The rodent may have gone but we are pestered by a gnat!
It has surely come in out of the persistent rain and attempts to feed upon us at its leisure.
How strange it must appear to view us suddenly slapping at our faces and necks or violently swiping at the air.
T'would surely appear we suffer madness.
Wednesday
Wednesday 5th October 1811
Dear Diary,
I was seated beneath the beech, upon Ned's erection, fingering my instrument in a dry interval between the rain showers, when I was startled by a voice;
"Pardon, Sir." It was Jenny Tull. "I 'ave some information."
I was under the impression that The Knob was 'common land' but it would appear that is not so. Mrs Tull imparted to me that Cain has been in correspondence with its true owner who has been swayed by his offer to buy. Cain's frequent visits to Netherton were part of his efforts to find allies in raising funds to buy the hill.
"Does the owner live in Netherton?" I enquired.
"I do not believe they do," said Jenny Tull, " I believe Mr Austen has only conversed with the gentlman by letter."
"Do you know how much my brother has offered?"
"I am sorry, I do not." I thought she was about to weep.
"Mrs Tull, I am very grateful for the information you have provided thus far. Please do not fret. If you find this all too taxing I shall press you no further for your help."
She smiled weakly.
"No, Mr Austen, I shall endeavour to seek out the answers to your questions as soon as is possible."
She pulled her shawl up against the wind and hurried back to the Grange.
I was seated beneath the beech, upon Ned's erection, fingering my instrument in a dry interval between the rain showers, when I was startled by a voice;
"Pardon, Sir." It was Jenny Tull. "I 'ave some information."
I was under the impression that The Knob was 'common land' but it would appear that is not so. Mrs Tull imparted to me that Cain has been in correspondence with its true owner who has been swayed by his offer to buy. Cain's frequent visits to Netherton were part of his efforts to find allies in raising funds to buy the hill.
"Does the owner live in Netherton?" I enquired.
"I do not believe they do," said Jenny Tull, " I believe Mr Austen has only conversed with the gentlman by letter."
"Do you know how much my brother has offered?"
"I am sorry, I do not." I thought she was about to weep.
"Mrs Tull, I am very grateful for the information you have provided thus far. Please do not fret. If you find this all too taxing I shall press you no further for your help."
She smiled weakly.
"No, Mr Austen, I shall endeavour to seek out the answers to your questions as soon as is possible."
She pulled her shawl up against the wind and hurried back to the Grange.
Monday
Monday 3rd October 1811
Dear Diary,
I still live.
I have taken up the mandolin as my new hobby but today find my fingertips quite numb.
It feels most strange and I almost sent for Doctor Llewellyn Dowd until Willow assured me it was due to over fingering my instrument.
I had hoped to sit astride Ned's erection and practise my fingering further today but alas, the weather is once more returned to its usual wet and windy nature.
What news of 'my' Knob?
I sense your curiosity.
I have enlisted the help of Jenny Tull, who is becoming a frequent caller here at Knob End. She is also not enamoured of my brother and his ways and so is keen to help me discover all that I can about his plans.
When I discover anything of interest I shall record it here.
I still live.
I have taken up the mandolin as my new hobby but today find my fingertips quite numb.
It feels most strange and I almost sent for Doctor Llewellyn Dowd until Willow assured me it was due to over fingering my instrument.
I had hoped to sit astride Ned's erection and practise my fingering further today but alas, the weather is once more returned to its usual wet and windy nature.
What news of 'my' Knob?
I sense your curiosity.
I have enlisted the help of Jenny Tull, who is becoming a frequent caller here at Knob End. She is also not enamoured of my brother and his ways and so is keen to help me discover all that I can about his plans.
When I discover anything of interest I shall record it here.
Friday
Friday 30th September 1811
Dear Diary,
I am unsure if it is due to the unseasonal warm weather or the constant anxiety I feel since Cain's revelation but today I have felt unwell.
I lay upon the chaise with the drapes drawn to shade me from the sun.
Mrs Crutchlow offered me a nibble of her soft, warm baps but I declined.
I feared the mastication would make me perspire more.
I am unsure if it is due to the unseasonal warm weather or the constant anxiety I feel since Cain's revelation but today I have felt unwell.
I lay upon the chaise with the drapes drawn to shade me from the sun.
Mrs Crutchlow offered me a nibble of her soft, warm baps but I declined.
I feared the mastication would make me perspire more.
Thursday
Thursday 29th September 1811
Dear Diary,
Yet another sultry day.
The sight of Harden Thicke wielding his chopper in the garden, naked to the waist, certainly helped in keeping my mind off 'my' Knob.
Yet another sultry day.
The sight of Harden Thicke wielding his chopper in the garden, naked to the waist, certainly helped in keeping my mind off 'my' Knob.
Wednesday
Wednesday 28th September 1811
Dear Diary,
Although I feel crushed by Cain's dreadful news, life goes on.
Grey clouds and rain would have suited my mood today and yet for once it was not to be. The sun came out in all its glory and the day was glorious. No doubt those swallows that left for warmer climes are pecking themselves in vexation.
Today is my Mother's birthday. She and Father had left early in the afternoon, spurred on by the weather, to spend a weekend at their cottage retreat that overlooks Nethercombe Bay.
Willow and I rode thither later in the day to surprise her and offer our birthday greetings since we had not had the opportunity earlier in the day.
The journey was pleasant and the sunset quite magnificent and I almost forgot that 'my' Knob was gravely threatened. We arrived at dusk and caught her by surprise in her night gown but she was pleased to see us.
We did not intrude long and rode home by way of Netherside where we called at an Inn for refreshment, Two Fighting Cocks. I enjoyed my steak but Willow was disappointed with his Wexford chicken and exclaimed it to be far too peppery. I was not surprised at his disappointment for it was also covered in cheese! We rode the leafy lanes home in the dark. At one point I was nearly thrown from Python when a deer leapt out upon the path ahead.
We arrived home just as Mrs Tull was leaving Knob End. She had called upon Mrs Crutchlow while my parents were away seeking her advice upon their favourite dishes and other tips on how to run the kitchen up at The Grange.
"Feel free to call again any time Mrs Tull," I said.
"There you go, now you have no excuse," smiled Mrs Crutchlow, "Bye Jenny, and mind you don't over butter them crumpets!"
Although I feel crushed by Cain's dreadful news, life goes on.
Grey clouds and rain would have suited my mood today and yet for once it was not to be. The sun came out in all its glory and the day was glorious. No doubt those swallows that left for warmer climes are pecking themselves in vexation.
Today is my Mother's birthday. She and Father had left early in the afternoon, spurred on by the weather, to spend a weekend at their cottage retreat that overlooks Nethercombe Bay.
Willow and I rode thither later in the day to surprise her and offer our birthday greetings since we had not had the opportunity earlier in the day.
The journey was pleasant and the sunset quite magnificent and I almost forgot that 'my' Knob was gravely threatened. We arrived at dusk and caught her by surprise in her night gown but she was pleased to see us.
We did not intrude long and rode home by way of Netherside where we called at an Inn for refreshment, Two Fighting Cocks. I enjoyed my steak but Willow was disappointed with his Wexford chicken and exclaimed it to be far too peppery. I was not surprised at his disappointment for it was also covered in cheese! We rode the leafy lanes home in the dark. At one point I was nearly thrown from Python when a deer leapt out upon the path ahead.
We arrived home just as Mrs Tull was leaving Knob End. She had called upon Mrs Crutchlow while my parents were away seeking her advice upon their favourite dishes and other tips on how to run the kitchen up at The Grange.
"Feel free to call again any time Mrs Tull," I said.
"There you go, now you have no excuse," smiled Mrs Crutchlow, "Bye Jenny, and mind you don't over butter them crumpets!"
Tuesday
Tuesday 27th September 1811
Dear Diary,
Forgive my neglect.
I received some dreadful news whilst at dinner with my family on Sunday up at the Grange.
The meal was cooked by the new house-keeper Mrs Tull.
It was pleasant but I must confess it was not up to the standard of Mrs Crutchlow's roast dinners.
The conversation was for the most part inane and polite until I mentioned my intention, after dinner, of mounting The Knob.
"Enjoy it whilst you can, dear brother," smiled Cain from behind his glass of port.
"I do not understand," I replied, "what are you implying?"
"Well...," his smugness was infuriating, " I am afraid all public access is shortly to be prohibited..." He paused and sipped his port and then continued;
"... once the mining starts."
"The mining?" I spluttered.
"Indeed, the whole hill is a veritable gold mine." He was enjoying my surprise.
"They are to mine gold on The Knob?" I could not believe it.
Cain laughed.
"Not 'they' brother, 'I' and it is not gold, you buffoon! It is coal!"
Can there be anything worse than losing one's Knob?
Oh Diary, what is to be done?
Forgive my neglect.
I received some dreadful news whilst at dinner with my family on Sunday up at the Grange.
The meal was cooked by the new house-keeper Mrs Tull.
It was pleasant but I must confess it was not up to the standard of Mrs Crutchlow's roast dinners.
The conversation was for the most part inane and polite until I mentioned my intention, after dinner, of mounting The Knob.
"Enjoy it whilst you can, dear brother," smiled Cain from behind his glass of port.
"I do not understand," I replied, "what are you implying?"
"Well...," his smugness was infuriating, " I am afraid all public access is shortly to be prohibited..." He paused and sipped his port and then continued;
"... once the mining starts."
"The mining?" I spluttered.
"Indeed, the whole hill is a veritable gold mine." He was enjoying my surprise.
"They are to mine gold on The Knob?" I could not believe it.
Cain laughed.
"Not 'they' brother, 'I' and it is not gold, you buffoon! It is coal!"
Can there be anything worse than losing one's Knob?
Oh Diary, what is to be done?
Sunday
Sunday 25th September 1811
Dear Diary,
Today I have received dreadful news.
I am utterly shocked.
I cannot write for now.
I must gather my wits.
Today I have received dreadful news.
I am utterly shocked.
I cannot write for now.
I must gather my wits.
Saturday 24th September 1811
Dear Diary,
Willow is very much taken with his 'Homeau' and has ridden him often since his arrival.
Yesterday morn, whilst he was out upon one of his rides, I received a visitor.
I was just descending the stairs when there came a knock upon the door.
Mrs Crutchlow hurried out to open it and then promptly shut it again.
"Its 'him!' She spat returning to the Kitchen.
I opened the door again.
"I trust you will not allow that insolent woman to get way with that!" Cain was livid as he pointed his crop at me.
"She is her own woman with her own opinions and tastes. I am afraid brother you are not to her taste and therefore shall have to live with her rejection of you. I am sure you are man enough to weather it after all you did survive an encounter with ferocious tiger whist in India, did you not?"
"Indeed," he said slapping his crop to his thigh.
"And to what end do we owe the pleasure of your visit?" I smiled.
"I am to invite you and your Willy to dinner tomorrow after Chapel," he said.
"His name is Willow," I corrected.
"Well, whatever. Shall I say you accept?"
"Of course!" I tried to sound delighted. "Nothing pleases me more than spending time in the bosom of my family."
"Until then." He nodded and stalked off.
I closed the door.
"Bosom of your family indeed! If they are a bosom then he is the biggest pimple on it," snorted Mrs Crutchlow who had crept back out behind the door to eavesdrop.
"Yes, indeed, like a wart, a third enormous nip......"
"Thank you, Mrs Crutchlow!" I interrupted. "I am in need of a stiff one. Would you be so kind as to fetch it?"
The evening brought the revelation of the reason for Willow's mysterious absences of late.
He told me we were to see a play and we rode in the evening to a woodland on the shores of Nethermere.
Such delightful surroundings they were as we took our seats upon a woodland stump.
The play was just about to begin when he excused himself saying he was in need of some refreshment.
Imagine my surprise when it transpired he was one of the 'thespians'!
Indeed he was one of a trio of witches who howled and shrieked over their cauldron and foretold 'doom' in all that followed. They were not incorrect.
It was a tad on the morbid side for my tastes and practically the whole cast ended up dead but I applauded with the rest of the audience. I sensed they were as relieved as I at its conclusion.
"I wish you had told me sooner," I said as we rode home, "I perhaps could have played a part. I am well known in these parts for my 'Dick' and am sure I would have drawn a healthier audience. Many have said it to be the best portrayal of 'Whittington' they have ever seen."
He spurred Homeau on and I could scarcely keep up.
I have risen early before Chapel to appraise you of yesterdays events.
I shall see you again afore bed.
Willow is very much taken with his 'Homeau' and has ridden him often since his arrival.
Yesterday morn, whilst he was out upon one of his rides, I received a visitor.
I was just descending the stairs when there came a knock upon the door.
Mrs Crutchlow hurried out to open it and then promptly shut it again.
"Its 'him!' She spat returning to the Kitchen.
I opened the door again.
"I trust you will not allow that insolent woman to get way with that!" Cain was livid as he pointed his crop at me.
"She is her own woman with her own opinions and tastes. I am afraid brother you are not to her taste and therefore shall have to live with her rejection of you. I am sure you are man enough to weather it after all you did survive an encounter with ferocious tiger whist in India, did you not?"
"Indeed," he said slapping his crop to his thigh.
"And to what end do we owe the pleasure of your visit?" I smiled.
"I am to invite you and your Willy to dinner tomorrow after Chapel," he said.
"His name is Willow," I corrected.
"Well, whatever. Shall I say you accept?"
"Of course!" I tried to sound delighted. "Nothing pleases me more than spending time in the bosom of my family."
"Until then." He nodded and stalked off.
I closed the door.
"Bosom of your family indeed! If they are a bosom then he is the biggest pimple on it," snorted Mrs Crutchlow who had crept back out behind the door to eavesdrop.
"Yes, indeed, like a wart, a third enormous nip......"
"Thank you, Mrs Crutchlow!" I interrupted. "I am in need of a stiff one. Would you be so kind as to fetch it?"
The evening brought the revelation of the reason for Willow's mysterious absences of late.
He told me we were to see a play and we rode in the evening to a woodland on the shores of Nethermere.
Such delightful surroundings they were as we took our seats upon a woodland stump.
The play was just about to begin when he excused himself saying he was in need of some refreshment.
Imagine my surprise when it transpired he was one of the 'thespians'!
Indeed he was one of a trio of witches who howled and shrieked over their cauldron and foretold 'doom' in all that followed. They were not incorrect.
It was a tad on the morbid side for my tastes and practically the whole cast ended up dead but I applauded with the rest of the audience. I sensed they were as relieved as I at its conclusion.
"I wish you had told me sooner," I said as we rode home, "I perhaps could have played a part. I am well known in these parts for my 'Dick' and am sure I would have drawn a healthier audience. Many have said it to be the best portrayal of 'Whittington' they have ever seen."
He spurred Homeau on and I could scarcely keep up.
I have risen early before Chapel to appraise you of yesterdays events.
I shall see you again afore bed.
Friday
Friday 23rd September 1811
Dear Diary,
I rose early before even Willow stirred and fetched his present from its hiding place at Thrushcock Grange.
I fastened it to Ned's erection beneath the beech tree and went in to waken him.
I asked him to cover his eyes and led him into the parlour in his night gown.
"Is it a mini-goat?" He asked eagerly.
"No," I replied. "Open your eyes and see."
He did and gasped in surprise.
There in the garden stood the beautiful chestnut stallion I had acquired for him at some expense.
"I do hope it will follow your command," I said a little unsure. "I have had it shipped from a highly recommended stud in France. The Countess Cornelia Du Plessis acquires all her horses from them. "
Willow was already hurrying outside.
"Perhaps you should dress first," I called after him, but he had gone.
I hurried out just in time to see him swing up onto its back. His nightshirt rode up.
I could see he was excited.
"What shall I call him?" He smiled from astride his birthday present.
"Homeau!" I replied.
I rose early before even Willow stirred and fetched his present from its hiding place at Thrushcock Grange.
I fastened it to Ned's erection beneath the beech tree and went in to waken him.
I asked him to cover his eyes and led him into the parlour in his night gown.
"Is it a mini-goat?" He asked eagerly.
"No," I replied. "Open your eyes and see."
He did and gasped in surprise.
There in the garden stood the beautiful chestnut stallion I had acquired for him at some expense.
"I do hope it will follow your command," I said a little unsure. "I have had it shipped from a highly recommended stud in France. The Countess Cornelia Du Plessis acquires all her horses from them. "
Willow was already hurrying outside.
"Perhaps you should dress first," I called after him, but he had gone.
I hurried out just in time to see him swing up onto its back. His nightshirt rode up.
I could see he was excited.
"What shall I call him?" He smiled from astride his birthday present.
"Homeau!" I replied.
 |
| Willow - For it is he. |
Thursday
Thursday 22nd September 1811
Dear Diary,
Today I had to bravely venture up to the Grange and risk an encounter with Cain.
Tomorrow is Willow's birthday and I had to ensure his gift was collected and stored safely until the time arrives for its revelation.
I dare not reveal it to you now for I suspect Willow peeks in upon you.
You shall have to wait until tomorrow...like he.
Today I had to bravely venture up to the Grange and risk an encounter with Cain.
Tomorrow is Willow's birthday and I had to ensure his gift was collected and stored safely until the time arrives for its revelation.
I dare not reveal it to you now for I suspect Willow peeks in upon you.
You shall have to wait until tomorrow...like he.
Wednesday
Wednesday 21st September 1811
Dear Diary,
I am once again abed, quill in hand scratching upon your ivory pages, alone.
Willow is yet again otherwise engaged. These past three days he has left early for school and returned late. He assures me that I should not be perturbed by his absence.
I am.
Happily Ned has now finished his erection in the garden.
He arrived today with little Annie.
"I am sorry Mr Austen, but it is my turn to mind the little 'un."
"She can come and help me," smiled Mrs Crutchlow, holding out a wooden spoon. "We can make some cakes, can't we Annie?"
They retired to the kitchen.
Ned sighed.
"I do find it hard to keep 'er interested when I 'ave her. I know she prefers bein' with 'er Mother. You can't deny the bondage between a Mother and her daughter, can you, Mr Austen?"
"Indeed," I smiled and he went off into the garden with his tools.
Later he called me over.
"It's finished. What do you think?"
"It is wonderful Ned!" I did not lie. "You really have a gift for working wood. I particularly like the way it curves with the grain and how the arm rests appear part of the overhanging tree itself."
He smiled with pride.
"Well, if anything Mr Austen, 'av always been remorseful!"
I am once again abed, quill in hand scratching upon your ivory pages, alone.
Willow is yet again otherwise engaged. These past three days he has left early for school and returned late. He assures me that I should not be perturbed by his absence.
I am.
Happily Ned has now finished his erection in the garden.
He arrived today with little Annie.
"I am sorry Mr Austen, but it is my turn to mind the little 'un."
"She can come and help me," smiled Mrs Crutchlow, holding out a wooden spoon. "We can make some cakes, can't we Annie?"
They retired to the kitchen.
Ned sighed.
"I do find it hard to keep 'er interested when I 'ave her. I know she prefers bein' with 'er Mother. You can't deny the bondage between a Mother and her daughter, can you, Mr Austen?"
"Indeed," I smiled and he went off into the garden with his tools.
Later he called me over.
"It's finished. What do you think?"
"It is wonderful Ned!" I did not lie. "You really have a gift for working wood. I particularly like the way it curves with the grain and how the arm rests appear part of the overhanging tree itself."
He smiled with pride.
"Well, if anything Mr Austen, 'av always been remorseful!"
Tuesday
Tuesday 20th September 1811
Dear Diary,
Willow returned home yester eve just as I was at my wits end.
He was quite mysterious as to his whereabouts until that late hour and said I should not fret.
He informs me he shall return late tonight also and that if necessary I should to bed afore him.
I am grateful for the company of the Misses Forster and Dixon this evening as they called upon me to see something of my Knob End.
They are quite taken with it.
I am not surprised.
Willow returned home yester eve just as I was at my wits end.
He was quite mysterious as to his whereabouts until that late hour and said I should not fret.
He informs me he shall return late tonight also and that if necessary I should to bed afore him.
I am grateful for the company of the Misses Forster and Dixon this evening as they called upon me to see something of my Knob End.
They are quite taken with it.
I am not surprised.
Monday
Monday 19th September 1811
Dear Diary,
The hour is late and Willow has not yet returned home from the School House in Cobbler's Bottom.
I am troubled!
The hour is late and Willow has not yet returned home from the School House in Cobbler's Bottom.
I am troubled!
Sunday
Sunday 18th September 1811
Dear Diary,
We took Mr Griffiths out for Brunch and showed him something of our Nethers.
We spent a pleasant afternoon wandering the grounds of Nethernook Castle.
I am certain Mr Griffiths would have been keen to see the Fingering Hole but after my last experience down there I remained taciturn upon its existence.
The weather was somewhat showery but Mr Griffiths, ever prepared, drew a colourful rain shade from his handbag as we wandered beneath the yew.
He laughed off a difficult moment when he stepped in a patch of ochreous mud which ruined his pastel coloured mules.
We returned to Knob End for tea and after enjoying a large cream puff Mr Griffiths returned to Manchesterford upon 'Princess.'
It has been a delightful weekend.
We took Mr Griffiths out for Brunch and showed him something of our Nethers.
We spent a pleasant afternoon wandering the grounds of Nethernook Castle.
I am certain Mr Griffiths would have been keen to see the Fingering Hole but after my last experience down there I remained taciturn upon its existence.
The weather was somewhat showery but Mr Griffiths, ever prepared, drew a colourful rain shade from his handbag as we wandered beneath the yew.
He laughed off a difficult moment when he stepped in a patch of ochreous mud which ruined his pastel coloured mules.
We returned to Knob End for tea and after enjoying a large cream puff Mr Griffiths returned to Manchesterford upon 'Princess.'
It has been a delightful weekend.
Saturday
Saturday 17th September 1811
Dear Diary,
The first of our guests arrived just after midday.
I was alerted to his arrival by the sound of heavy breathing through the open bedroom window as I was making final adjustments to my welcome attire.
I discovered it was the four horses pulling the coach that were panting so heavily.
My good friend Mr McVay had arrived from his home upon the coast.
Willow, Mrs Crutchlow and I were still trying to extricate him from his coach when our second guest Mr Griffiths, from Manchesterford, approached upon his sprightly steed 'Princess'. With his help, and a little of the lubricant he always carried in his saddlebag, we were able to finally welcome Mr McVay properly.
We adjourned to the parlour and chatted happily over tea.
Mr Griffiths told us of his new enterprise and expertise in the field of diamonds and his growing love of all things Indian, while Mr McVay, between mouthfuls of Mrs Crutchlow's delicious biscuits, told us of his new found skill in fashioning dresses for young women and of a marvellous experience recently in London that left him quite breathless.
"I should think most things leave you quite breathless," quipped Mr Griffiths cocking his head so jauntily that the ostrich feather in his hat almost quivered out!
Mr McVay showed us some etchings he had made of a gentleman acquaintance in London 'deshabillé''.
I was so shocked I bit into my éclair somewhat too sharply and ended up with cream up my nostrils.
We ventured to the shores of Netherwater for some fresh air and sat upon a rug listening to the lapping water.
Mr Griffiths told us further tales of India while Mr McVay happily ate two éclairs at once.
A gentleman approached in haste but as he drew near apologised;
"Oh, I am sorry," he said "from a distance I believed I saw a beached walrus but I see I am mistaken now," and he scurried away.
Once more in the pleasant surrounds of Knob End we enjoyed a delicious Italian meal that Willow had created.
How talented he is!
Mr McVay had to return to the coast in the evening to trim some fat quarters.
We sent him off with some of the 'Fukatcha' bread Willow had baked.
We have all enjoyed a very pleasant day indeed.
The first of our guests arrived just after midday.
I was alerted to his arrival by the sound of heavy breathing through the open bedroom window as I was making final adjustments to my welcome attire.
I discovered it was the four horses pulling the coach that were panting so heavily.
My good friend Mr McVay had arrived from his home upon the coast.
Willow, Mrs Crutchlow and I were still trying to extricate him from his coach when our second guest Mr Griffiths, from Manchesterford, approached upon his sprightly steed 'Princess'. With his help, and a little of the lubricant he always carried in his saddlebag, we were able to finally welcome Mr McVay properly.
We adjourned to the parlour and chatted happily over tea.
Mr Griffiths told us of his new enterprise and expertise in the field of diamonds and his growing love of all things Indian, while Mr McVay, between mouthfuls of Mrs Crutchlow's delicious biscuits, told us of his new found skill in fashioning dresses for young women and of a marvellous experience recently in London that left him quite breathless.
"I should think most things leave you quite breathless," quipped Mr Griffiths cocking his head so jauntily that the ostrich feather in his hat almost quivered out!
Mr McVay showed us some etchings he had made of a gentleman acquaintance in London 'deshabillé''.
I was so shocked I bit into my éclair somewhat too sharply and ended up with cream up my nostrils.
We ventured to the shores of Netherwater for some fresh air and sat upon a rug listening to the lapping water.
Mr Griffiths told us further tales of India while Mr McVay happily ate two éclairs at once.
A gentleman approached in haste but as he drew near apologised;
"Oh, I am sorry," he said "from a distance I believed I saw a beached walrus but I see I am mistaken now," and he scurried away.
Once more in the pleasant surrounds of Knob End we enjoyed a delicious Italian meal that Willow had created.
How talented he is!
Mr McVay had to return to the coast in the evening to trim some fat quarters.
We sent him off with some of the 'Fukatcha' bread Willow had baked.
We have all enjoyed a very pleasant day indeed.
Friday
Friday 16th September 1811
Dear Diary,
A day of activity and preparation for tomorrow we entertain friends.
A day of activity and preparation for tomorrow we entertain friends.
Thursday
Thursday 15th September 1811
Dear Diary,
Such a bright and cloudless sky was a welcome greeting as I parted my drapes this morn.
I avoided mounting The Knob for my constitutional as Mrs Crutchlow informs me it has become a favoured haunt of my 'dear' brother these past weeks when he is at The Grange.
I wandered through the woods and past the Chapel and noticed nigh on fifty swallows lined up upon the ridge of the roof. How typical that upon the sunniest of days since our return from Queensland they make their preparations for departure from us.
On my return I espied Ned elbow deep in a heifer in a quiet corner of one of his meadows. He waved with his free hand before removing the other and wandering over to me by the hedge.
"Lovely day for it, Mr Austen," he smiled.
"Indeed," I said, " whatever it is you were doing to that poor beast."
"Nah," he said, "I don't mean 'insperminating' I mean a lovely day for walking."
"Oh," I said.
"I bet I know what you're going to do," he said pointing up at The Knob with a soiled finger.
I shook my head.
"I am eschewing The Knob today, Ned." I sighed.
A sudden uneasiness came over him and he looked around uncomfortably.
"What you do in the privacy of your home is nowt to do wi' me." He blushed.
Such a bright and cloudless sky was a welcome greeting as I parted my drapes this morn.
I avoided mounting The Knob for my constitutional as Mrs Crutchlow informs me it has become a favoured haunt of my 'dear' brother these past weeks when he is at The Grange.
I wandered through the woods and past the Chapel and noticed nigh on fifty swallows lined up upon the ridge of the roof. How typical that upon the sunniest of days since our return from Queensland they make their preparations for departure from us.
On my return I espied Ned elbow deep in a heifer in a quiet corner of one of his meadows. He waved with his free hand before removing the other and wandering over to me by the hedge.
"Lovely day for it, Mr Austen," he smiled.
"Indeed," I said, " whatever it is you were doing to that poor beast."
"Nah," he said, "I don't mean 'insperminating' I mean a lovely day for walking."
"Oh," I said.
"I bet I know what you're going to do," he said pointing up at The Knob with a soiled finger.
I shook my head.
"I am eschewing The Knob today, Ned." I sighed.
A sudden uneasiness came over him and he looked around uncomfortably.
"What you do in the privacy of your home is nowt to do wi' me." He blushed.
Wednesday
Wednesday 14th September 1811
Dear Diary,
It is always a pleasure to start the morning with a warm sausage inside one.
Despite the vexation and upset I have caused I am happy to have Mrs Crutchlow at my stove.
This afternoon she walked in upon me in the parlour with my lips pressed to Willow's pink oboe.
"He allows me to," I smiled guiltily.
She ran her duster over my knick-knacks.
I took a deep breath.
"Mrs Crutchlow, " I began, "I feel...er...bound to inform you, now that you are a trusted member of this household of the...er...true nature of my...er...bond with Willow..."
She turned from buffing my Norma Stitts and held up a hand.
"Forgive my interruption but there is no need for any further explanation. I have always known you to be...,"
the hesitation was now hers,"...a confirmed bachelor, Mr Austen."
She smiled and returned to her task and I relaxed into my chair and cast a gaze outside to the garden beyond.
"It pleases me to see you so happy," she said.
It is always a pleasure to start the morning with a warm sausage inside one.
Despite the vexation and upset I have caused I am happy to have Mrs Crutchlow at my stove.
This afternoon she walked in upon me in the parlour with my lips pressed to Willow's pink oboe.
"He allows me to," I smiled guiltily.
She ran her duster over my knick-knacks.
I took a deep breath.
"Mrs Crutchlow, " I began, "I feel...er...bound to inform you, now that you are a trusted member of this household of the...er...true nature of my...er...bond with Willow..."
She turned from buffing my Norma Stitts and held up a hand.
"Forgive my interruption but there is no need for any further explanation. I have always known you to be...,"
the hesitation was now hers,"...a confirmed bachelor, Mr Austen."
She smiled and returned to her task and I relaxed into my chair and cast a gaze outside to the garden beyond.
"It pleases me to see you so happy," she said.
Tuesday
Tuesday 13th September 1811
Dear Diary,
My vengeful actions have returned to haunt me!
The afternoon brought a tearful Mrs Crutchlow to my threshold.
She had been a reluctant ally in the presentation of the additional ingredient upon Cain's Sunday lunch platter.
"Oh, Mr Austen," she wept," I no longer work at the Grange."
"You have been dismissed?" I asked, aghast.
"Oh no!" She sobbed, "I have departed of my own accord. I cannot work in that kitchen again whilst your brother is under that roof. He has been nothing if not nasty and rude towards me since Sunday and I shall not stand for it."
I was full of remorse.
"I shall, at once, make haste to the Grange and confess my part in this matter."
"You are indeed a gentleman," said Mrs Crutchlow, drying her tears, "but my mind is made up. Your brother is a prick."
"Prig," I corrected.
"No, he is a prick!" She said determinedly.
"Then you shall grace my kitchen." I smiled.
"Oh no! Mr Austen, I did not come here to seek employment."
"No matter, I insist and shall be glad of it and perhaps on occasion, " I rubbed my hands in glee, " you will allow me to knead your baps!"
My vengeful actions have returned to haunt me!
The afternoon brought a tearful Mrs Crutchlow to my threshold.
She had been a reluctant ally in the presentation of the additional ingredient upon Cain's Sunday lunch platter.
"Oh, Mr Austen," she wept," I no longer work at the Grange."
"You have been dismissed?" I asked, aghast.
"Oh no!" She sobbed, "I have departed of my own accord. I cannot work in that kitchen again whilst your brother is under that roof. He has been nothing if not nasty and rude towards me since Sunday and I shall not stand for it."
I was full of remorse.
"I shall, at once, make haste to the Grange and confess my part in this matter."
"You are indeed a gentleman," said Mrs Crutchlow, drying her tears, "but my mind is made up. Your brother is a prick."
"Prig," I corrected.
"No, he is a prick!" She said determinedly.
"Then you shall grace my kitchen." I smiled.
"Oh no! Mr Austen, I did not come here to seek employment."
"No matter, I insist and shall be glad of it and perhaps on occasion, " I rubbed my hands in glee, " you will allow me to knead your baps!"
Monday
Monday 12th September 1811
Dear Diary,
Today I am troubled with wind!
I would have ridden up The Knob but most probably would have been blown off!
Today I am troubled with wind!
I would have ridden up The Knob but most probably would have been blown off!
Sunday
Sunday 11th September 1811
Dear Diary,
The 'Fates' have been as kind today as they were unkind yesterday!
No sooner had I entered the kitchen this morning than 'that' rodent came scurrying along the floor towards me!
I swear there was malevolence in its eyes.
I leapt in to the air and upon landing looked around to ascertain its whereabouts and by happy fortune my left foot had come down upon the tip of its tail. It was all I could do not to scream and lift my foot to release it but I gathered my wits and grabbing a pot finally had the beast captured.
I am unsure if there was Divine Intervention but whilst at Chapel this morning a wonderful and yet heinous idea found its way into my head.
So, at lunch this afternoon up at The Grange, it just so happened that as Titty raised the cloche upon my dear brother's roast beef he found a mouse sitting quite comfortably in his Yorkshire pudding.
I must say for someone who had encountered a tiger whilst in India, he did seem most alarmed at the sight of a tiny mouse!
The 'Fates' have been as kind today as they were unkind yesterday!
No sooner had I entered the kitchen this morning than 'that' rodent came scurrying along the floor towards me!
I swear there was malevolence in its eyes.
I leapt in to the air and upon landing looked around to ascertain its whereabouts and by happy fortune my left foot had come down upon the tip of its tail. It was all I could do not to scream and lift my foot to release it but I gathered my wits and grabbing a pot finally had the beast captured.
I am unsure if there was Divine Intervention but whilst at Chapel this morning a wonderful and yet heinous idea found its way into my head.
So, at lunch this afternoon up at The Grange, it just so happened that as Titty raised the cloche upon my dear brother's roast beef he found a mouse sitting quite comfortably in his Yorkshire pudding.
I must say for someone who had encountered a tiger whilst in India, he did seem most alarmed at the sight of a tiny mouse!
Saturday
Saturday 10th September 1811
Dear Diary,
Imagine my horror when the hour came for me to tickle your crisp ivory pages with my quill yester-eve only to discover 'that' rodent sat upon you as you rested upon my escritoire.
I retreated for the assistance of Willow but upon our return the infernal creature had vanished once again.
We shut the door tight in the hope of containing it and slept in one of the guest bedrooms.I have spent much of the day today crouched outside my room, peering through the half open door with an empty tea caddy waiting for the creature to reveal its whereabouts so that I might trap it.
A number of times I espied its snout twitching from behind the linen chest but the effrontery it has shown in times past appears to have waned.
Finally, I could take no more and calling upon Willow we entered the room and shut the door behind us sealing all possible exits with fresh linen. My dander was up and I was determined to regain control over mine own house.
We pulled back the linen chest and it scurried under the bed. Upon moving the bed it dashed under the wardrobe. Such a merry dance of back and forth it lead us until at last in a flurry a frantic activity I brought down the caddy and we had it!
We set the room to rights once more and then reaching for a book from my bedside cabinet carefully slipped the hard flat cover beneath the upturned caddy and lifted it and its contents.
Though my hands shook I kept a tight grip upon book and caddy and we ventured out. I was keen to put as much distance as possible between the creature and Knob End when the time came to release it.
Passing the Grange we encountered Cain as he was making his way to the stables.
"Precious cargo?" he smirked.
"If you must know," I snapped, "it is the beastly rodent that has made my house its own these past months and I am to be rid of it at last."
Cain laughed.
"There was a time in India, dear brother, when I came across a tiger on our path. How would you have fared then if your nerves quiver at a tiny mouse?"
He disappeared into the stables with his amusement and my hands shook now with anger.
We walked on through the woods and past the Chapel before I realised we were fast approaching Cobbler's End and so we decided we had gone far enough. I could not release it near the home of those good ladies.
I stopped and carefully laid the book and caddy upon the ground and taking a deep breath snatched the caddy away.
Nothing!
I could not comprehend it. I was certain we had it caught. The infernal beast was still at large in Knob End!
I snatched up the book and only then noticed it to be a volume of the poetry of Robert Burns. I opened it and can you believe it? There was his poem....
'To a Mouse.'
Thursday
Thursday 8th September 1811
Dear Diary,
How dreadful is the weather!
It is a wonder that the swallows are still here!
Ned called upon me to apologise for being unable to continue to work on his erection in recent days.
"I am aware that it is a busy time for agriculturalists everywhere." I sympathised. "Please do not torment yourself. I am in no rush for its completion and indeed, with the weather as inclement as it is at present I doubt I would be able to venture out and enjoy its pleasant accommodation."
He thanked me and then asked if I had seen ought of my brother.
I nodded.
"Forgive my impotence, Mr Austen..." he began,
"Impertinence," I corrected.
"...and I know he is your brother, but I do not like the fellow..." he continued.
I sighed.
"I am sorry if I speak out of place but I find 'im rude and vulva!"
"Vulgar," I spluttered and held up my hand to quieten him.
"Ned, how facund of you." I said.
He looked abashed.
"No, " I continued, "that is a compliment and I confess I am inclined to concur with your views upon him. I am just thankful he is spending so much time away in Netherton these past days."
"Aye!" he agreed, "no doubt he is 'rumping' with all manner of protestants....tutes!"
How dreadful is the weather!
It is a wonder that the swallows are still here!
Ned called upon me to apologise for being unable to continue to work on his erection in recent days.
"I am aware that it is a busy time for agriculturalists everywhere." I sympathised. "Please do not torment yourself. I am in no rush for its completion and indeed, with the weather as inclement as it is at present I doubt I would be able to venture out and enjoy its pleasant accommodation."
He thanked me and then asked if I had seen ought of my brother.
I nodded.
"Forgive my impotence, Mr Austen..." he began,
"Impertinence," I corrected.
"...and I know he is your brother, but I do not like the fellow..." he continued.
I sighed.
"I am sorry if I speak out of place but I find 'im rude and vulva!"
"Vulgar," I spluttered and held up my hand to quieten him.
"Ned, how facund of you." I said.
He looked abashed.
"No, " I continued, "that is a compliment and I confess I am inclined to concur with your views upon him. I am just thankful he is spending so much time away in Netherton these past days."
"Aye!" he agreed, "no doubt he is 'rumping' with all manner of protestants....tutes!"
Wednesday
Wednesday 7th September 1811
Dear Diary,
I am preparing seedlings for my garden. I have already tried to raise some Aubretia seedlings outdoors but only succeeded in feeding the slugs.
I am determined to have this lovely flower cascading from my herbaceous borders and thus have some seedlings now upon an upstairs window-sill safe indoors from those hideous slimy creatures.
I have seen or heard nought of that impudent rodent since our return. I can only assume it left our home out of lack of company.
I saw Cain approaching along the lane this afternoon but hid in my closet at his knocking. When it subsided I peeked into the garden and saw him conversing with Harden Thicke. I saw Harden gesticulate towards the house and then shrug those broad, muscular shoulders. Cain turned and looked towards the house and I dropped to me knees and almost did myself some mischief. When I next dared to look Cain had gone and Harden was back to his raking.
How strange it is not to have Willow around now that he is back teaching at the school during the day. I feel quite idle and need to find something to occupy my hands.
I am preparing seedlings for my garden. I have already tried to raise some Aubretia seedlings outdoors but only succeeded in feeding the slugs.
I am determined to have this lovely flower cascading from my herbaceous borders and thus have some seedlings now upon an upstairs window-sill safe indoors from those hideous slimy creatures.
I have seen or heard nought of that impudent rodent since our return. I can only assume it left our home out of lack of company.
I saw Cain approaching along the lane this afternoon but hid in my closet at his knocking. When it subsided I peeked into the garden and saw him conversing with Harden Thicke. I saw Harden gesticulate towards the house and then shrug those broad, muscular shoulders. Cain turned and looked towards the house and I dropped to me knees and almost did myself some mischief. When I next dared to look Cain had gone and Harden was back to his raking.
How strange it is not to have Willow around now that he is back teaching at the school during the day. I feel quite idle and need to find something to occupy my hands.
Tuesday
Tuesday 6th September 1811
Dear Diary,
We enjoyed an interesting evening of musical entertainment in Nethercastle close to the Pleasure Grounds at Gibside yester-eve. The songstresses named Krystle and Joan had magificent sets of lungs and knew how to belt out a pleasing ditty.
Today Willow was back at the school house in preparation for the new school year.
Harden Thicke once more returned to his duties in the garden and I was able to thank him for all his efforts whilst we have been away in Queensland.
I asked after his Dick but he had left it at home as he said it appeared to be a little under the weather. I told him of Miss Lott and Miss Noring's Merkin.
"Perhaps it will perk up your Dick to see it." I offered helpfully.
We enjoyed an interesting evening of musical entertainment in Nethercastle close to the Pleasure Grounds at Gibside yester-eve. The songstresses named Krystle and Joan had magificent sets of lungs and knew how to belt out a pleasing ditty.
Today Willow was back at the school house in preparation for the new school year.
Harden Thicke once more returned to his duties in the garden and I was able to thank him for all his efforts whilst we have been away in Queensland.
I asked after his Dick but he had left it at home as he said it appeared to be a little under the weather. I told him of Miss Lott and Miss Noring's Merkin.
"Perhaps it will perk up your Dick to see it." I offered helpfully.
Monday
Monday 5th September 1811
Dear Diary,
We ride to Nethercastle for an evenings musical entertainment and return on the morrow.
We ride to Nethercastle for an evenings musical entertainment and return on the morrow.
Sunday
Sunday 4th September 1811
Dear Diary,
The perfect day for outdoor activities and yet we remained inside. I thought it best to save all my energies for the luncheon in the afternoon.
We wandered up to the Grange sometime after three.
Fanny greeted us with a cheerful smile and lead us into the parlour. Mother was sewing by the fire and Father was reading. They both rose to greet us.
"And where is my dear brother," I asked.
"He is to Netherton, on business," said my Father.
"What business?" I was curious but happy and relieved at his absence.
"He did not offer up any details," said Mother returning to her sewing.
"And I hardly cared to ask," said Fanny, "now sit and tell us of your adventures." She patted the sofa beside her. It was covered with hairs from her pussy but I acquiesced.
Mrs Crutchlow had prepared a magnificent repast of roast lamb.
It was wonderful to be home in the bosom of my family.
The perfect day for outdoor activities and yet we remained inside. I thought it best to save all my energies for the luncheon in the afternoon.
We wandered up to the Grange sometime after three.
Fanny greeted us with a cheerful smile and lead us into the parlour. Mother was sewing by the fire and Father was reading. They both rose to greet us.
"And where is my dear brother," I asked.
"He is to Netherton, on business," said my Father.
"What business?" I was curious but happy and relieved at his absence.
"He did not offer up any details," said Mother returning to her sewing.
"And I hardly cared to ask," said Fanny, "now sit and tell us of your adventures." She patted the sofa beside her. It was covered with hairs from her pussy but I acquiesced.
Mrs Crutchlow had prepared a magnificent repast of roast lamb.
It was wonderful to be home in the bosom of my family.
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