Friday 30th September 1811

Dear Diary,
I am unsure if it is due to the unseasonal warm weather or the constant anxiety I feel since Cain's revelation but today I have felt unwell.
I lay upon the chaise with the drapes drawn to shade me from the sun.
Mrs Crutchlow offered me a nibble of her soft, warm baps but I declined.
I feared the mastication would make me perspire more.

Thursday 29th September 1811

Dear Diary,
Yet another sultry day.
The sight of Harden Thicke wielding his chopper in the garden, naked to the waist, certainly helped in keeping my mind off 'my' Knob.

Wednesday 28th September 1811

Dear Diary,
Although I feel crushed by Cain's dreadful news, life goes on.
Grey clouds and rain would have suited my mood today and yet for once it was not to be. The sun came out in all its glory and the day was glorious. No doubt those swallows that left for warmer climes are pecking themselves in vexation.
Today is my Mother's birthday. She and Father had left early in the afternoon, spurred on by the weather, to spend a weekend at their cottage retreat that overlooks Nethercombe Bay.
Willow and I rode thither later in the day to surprise her and offer our birthday greetings since we had not had the opportunity earlier in the day.
The journey was pleasant and the sunset quite magnificent and I almost forgot that 'my' Knob was gravely threatened. We arrived at dusk and caught her by surprise in her night gown but she was pleased to see us.
We did not intrude long and rode home by way of Netherside where we called at an Inn for refreshment,  Two Fighting Cocks. I enjoyed my steak but Willow was disappointed with his Wexford chicken and exclaimed it to be far too peppery. I was not surprised at his disappointment for it was also covered in cheese! We rode the leafy lanes home in the dark. At one point I was nearly thrown from Python when a deer leapt out upon the path ahead.
We arrived home just as Mrs Tull was leaving Knob End. She had called upon Mrs Crutchlow while my parents were away seeking her advice upon their favourite dishes and other tips on how to run the kitchen up at The Grange.
"Feel free to call again any time Mrs Tull," I said.
"There you go, now you have no excuse," smiled Mrs Crutchlow, "Bye Jenny, and mind you don't over butter them crumpets!"

Tuesday 27th September 1811

Dear Diary,
Forgive my neglect.
I received some dreadful news whilst at dinner with my family on Sunday up at the Grange.
The meal was cooked by the new house-keeper Mrs Tull.
It was pleasant but I must confess it was not up to the standard of Mrs Crutchlow's roast dinners.
The conversation was for the most part inane and polite until I mentioned my intention, after dinner, of mounting The Knob.
"Enjoy it whilst you can, dear brother," smiled Cain from behind his glass of port.
"I do not understand," I replied, "what are you implying?"
"Well...," his smugness was infuriating, " I am afraid all public access is shortly to be prohibited..." He paused and sipped his port and then continued;
"... once the mining starts."
"The mining?" I spluttered.
"Indeed, the whole hill is a veritable gold mine." He was enjoying my surprise.
"They are to mine gold on The Knob?" I could not believe it.
Cain laughed.
"Not 'they' brother, 'I' and it is not gold, you buffoon! It is coal!"
Can there be anything worse than losing one's Knob?
Oh Diary, what is to be done?

Sunday 25th September 1811

Dear Diary,
Today I have received dreadful news.
I am utterly shocked.
I cannot write for now.
I must gather my wits.

Saturday 24th September 1811

Dear Diary,
Willow is very much taken with his 'Homeau' and has ridden him often since his arrival.
Yesterday morn, whilst he was out upon one of his rides, I received a visitor.
I was just descending the stairs when there came a knock upon the door.
Mrs Crutchlow hurried out to open it and then promptly shut it again.
"Its 'him!' She spat returning to the Kitchen.
I opened the door again.
"I trust you will not allow that insolent woman to get way with that!" Cain was livid as he pointed his crop at me.
"She is her own woman with her own opinions and tastes. I am afraid brother you are not to her taste and therefore shall have to live with her rejection of you. I am sure you are man enough to weather it after all you did survive an encounter with ferocious tiger whist in India, did you not?"
"Indeed," he said slapping his crop to his thigh.
"And to what end do we owe the pleasure of your visit?" I smiled.
"I am to invite you and your Willy to dinner tomorrow after Chapel," he said.
"His name is Willow," I corrected.
"Well, whatever. Shall I say you accept?"
"Of course!" I tried to sound delighted. "Nothing pleases me more than spending time in the bosom of my family."
"Until then." He nodded and stalked off.
I closed the door.
"Bosom of your family indeed! If they are a bosom then he is the biggest pimple on it," snorted Mrs Crutchlow who had crept back out behind the door to eavesdrop.
"Yes, indeed, like a wart, a third enormous nip......"
"Thank you, Mrs Crutchlow!" I interrupted. "I am in need of a stiff one. Would you be so kind as to fetch it?"
The evening brought the revelation of the reason for Willow's mysterious absences of late. 
He told me we were to see a play and we rode in the evening to a woodland on the shores of Nethermere.
Such delightful surroundings they were as we took our seats upon a woodland stump.
The play was just about to begin when he excused himself saying he was in need of some refreshment.
Imagine my surprise when it transpired he was one of the 'thespians'!
Indeed he was one of a trio of witches who howled and shrieked over their cauldron and foretold 'doom' in all that followed. They were not incorrect.
It was a tad on the morbid side for my tastes and practically the whole cast ended up dead but I applauded with the rest of the audience. I sensed they were as relieved as I at its conclusion.
"I wish you had told me sooner," I said as we rode home, "I perhaps could have played a part. I am well known in these parts for my 'Dick' and am sure I would have drawn a healthier audience. Many have said it to be the best portrayal of 'Whittington' they have ever seen."
He spurred Homeau on and I could scarcely keep up.
I have risen early before Chapel to appraise you of yesterdays events.
I shall see you again afore bed.

Friday 23rd September 1811

Dear Diary,
I rose early before even Willow stirred and fetched his present from its hiding place at Thrushcock Grange.
I fastened it to Ned's erection beneath the beech tree and went in to waken him.
I asked him to cover his eyes and led him into the parlour in his night gown.
"Is it a mini-goat?" He asked eagerly.
"No," I replied. "Open your eyes and see."
He did and gasped in surprise.
There in the garden stood the beautiful chestnut stallion I had acquired for him at some expense.
"I do hope it will follow your command," I said a little unsure. "I have had it shipped from a highly recommended stud in France. The Countess Cornelia Du Plessis acquires all her horses from them. "
Willow was already hurrying outside.
"Perhaps you should dress first," I called after him, but he had gone.
I hurried out just in time to see him swing up onto its back. His nightshirt rode up.
I could see he was excited.
"What shall I call him?" He smiled from astride his birthday present.
"Homeau!" I replied.

 Willow - For it is he.

Thursday 22nd September 1811

Dear Diary,
Today I had to bravely venture up to the Grange and risk an encounter with Cain.
Tomorrow is Willow's birthday and I had to ensure his gift was collected and stored safely until the time arrives for its revelation.
I dare not reveal it to you now for I suspect Willow peeks in upon you.
You shall have to wait until tomorrow...like he.

Wednesday 21st September 1811

Dear Diary,
I am once again abed, quill in hand scratching upon your ivory pages, alone.
Willow is yet again otherwise engaged. These past three days he has left early for school and returned late. He assures me that I should not be perturbed by his absence.
I am. 
Happily Ned has now finished his erection in the garden. 
He arrived today with little Annie.
"I am sorry Mr Austen, but it is my turn to mind the little 'un."
"She can come and help me," smiled Mrs Crutchlow, holding out a wooden spoon. "We can make some cakes, can't we Annie?"
They retired to the kitchen.
Ned sighed.
"I do find it hard to keep 'er interested when I 'ave her. I know she prefers bein' with 'er Mother. You can't deny the bondage between a Mother and her daughter, can you, Mr Austen?"
"Indeed," I smiled and he went off into the garden with his tools.
Later he called me over.
"It's finished. What do you think?"
"It is wonderful Ned!" I did not lie. "You really have a gift for working wood. I particularly like the way it curves with the grain and how the arm rests appear part of the overhanging tree itself."
He smiled with pride.
"Well, if anything Mr Austen, 'av always been remorseful!"

Tuesday 20th September 1811

Dear Diary,
Willow returned home yester eve just as I was at my wits end.
He was quite mysterious as to his whereabouts until that late hour and said I should not fret.
He informs me he shall return late tonight also and that if necessary I should to bed afore him.
I am grateful for the company of the Misses Forster and Dixon this evening as they called upon me to see something of my Knob End. 
They are quite taken with it.
I am not surprised.

Monday 19th September 1811

Dear Diary, 
The hour is late and Willow has not yet returned home from the School House in Cobbler's Bottom.
I am troubled!

Sunday 18th September 1811

Dear Diary,
We took Mr Griffiths out for Brunch and showed him something of our Nethers.
We spent a pleasant afternoon wandering the grounds of Nethernook Castle.
I am certain Mr Griffiths would have been keen to see the Fingering Hole but after my last experience down there I remained taciturn upon its existence.
The weather was somewhat showery but Mr Griffiths, ever prepared, drew a colourful rain shade from his handbag as we wandered beneath the yew. 
He laughed off a difficult moment when he stepped in a patch of ochreous mud which ruined his pastel coloured mules.
We returned to Knob End for tea and after enjoying a large cream puff Mr Griffiths returned to Manchesterford upon 'Princess.'
It has been a delightful weekend.

Saturday 17th September 1811

Dear Diary,
The first of our guests arrived just after midday.
I was alerted to his arrival by the sound of heavy breathing through the open bedroom window as I was making final adjustments to my welcome attire.
I discovered it was the four horses pulling the coach that were panting so heavily.
My good friend Mr McVay had arrived from his home upon the coast.
Willow, Mrs Crutchlow and I were still trying to extricate him from his coach when our second guest Mr Griffiths, from Manchesterford, approached upon his sprightly steed 'Princess'. With his help, and a little of the lubricant he always carried in his saddlebag, we were able to finally welcome Mr McVay properly.
We adjourned to the parlour and chatted happily over tea. 
Mr Griffiths told us of his new enterprise and expertise in the field of diamonds and his growing love of all things Indian, while Mr McVay, between mouthfuls of Mrs Crutchlow's delicious biscuits, told us of his new found skill in fashioning dresses for young women and of a marvellous experience recently in London that left him quite breathless.
"I should think most things leave you quite breathless," quipped Mr Griffiths cocking his head so jauntily that the ostrich feather in his hat almost quivered out!
Mr McVay showed us some etchings he had made of a gentleman acquaintance in London 'deshabillé''.
I was so shocked I bit into my éclair somewhat too sharply and ended up with cream up my nostrils.
We ventured to the shores of Netherwater for some fresh air and sat upon a rug listening to the lapping water.
Mr Griffiths told us further tales of India while Mr McVay happily ate two éclairs at once.
A gentleman approached in haste but as he drew near apologised;
"Oh, I am sorry," he said "from a distance I believed I saw a  beached walrus but I see I am mistaken now," and he scurried away.
Once more in the pleasant surrounds of Knob End we enjoyed a delicious Italian meal that Willow had created. 
How talented he is!
Mr McVay had to return to the coast in the evening to trim some fat quarters.
We sent him off with some of the 'Fukatcha' bread Willow had baked.
We have all enjoyed a very pleasant day indeed.

Friday 16th September 1811

Dear Diary,
A day of activity and preparation for tomorrow we entertain friends.

Thursday 15th September 1811

Dear Diary,
Such a bright and cloudless sky was a welcome greeting as I parted my drapes this morn.
I avoided mounting The Knob for my constitutional as Mrs Crutchlow informs me it has become a favoured haunt of my 'dear' brother these past weeks when he is at The Grange.
I wandered through the woods and past the Chapel and noticed nigh on fifty swallows lined up upon the ridge of the roof. How typical that upon the sunniest of days since our return from Queensland they make their preparations for departure from us.
On my return I espied Ned elbow deep in a heifer in a quiet corner of one of his meadows. He waved with his free hand before removing the other and wandering over to me by the hedge.
"Lovely day for it, Mr Austen," he smiled.
"Indeed," I said, " whatever it is you were doing to that poor beast."
"Nah," he said, "I don't mean 'insperminating' I mean a lovely day for walking."
"Oh," I said.
"I bet I know what you're going to do," he said pointing up at The Knob with a soiled finger.
I shook my head.
"I am eschewing The Knob today, Ned." I sighed.
A sudden uneasiness came over him and he looked around uncomfortably.
"What you do in the privacy of your home is nowt to do wi' me." He blushed.

Wednesday 14th September 1811

Dear Diary,
It is always a pleasure to start the morning with a warm sausage inside one.
Despite the vexation and upset I have caused I am happy to have Mrs Crutchlow at my stove.
This afternoon she walked in upon me in the parlour with my lips pressed to Willow's pink oboe.
"He allows me to," I smiled guiltily.
She ran her duster over my knick-knacks.
I took a deep breath.
"Mrs Crutchlow, " I began, "I feel...er...bound to inform you, now that you are a trusted member of this household of the...er...true nature of my...er...bond with Willow..."
She turned from buffing my Norma Stitts and held up a hand.
"Forgive my interruption but there is no need for any further explanation. I have always known you to be...," 
the hesitation was now hers,"...a confirmed bachelor, Mr Austen." 
She smiled and returned to her task and I relaxed into my chair and cast a gaze outside to the garden beyond.
"It pleases me to see you so happy," she said.

Tuesday 13th September 1811

Dear Diary,
My vengeful actions have returned to haunt me!
The afternoon brought a tearful Mrs Crutchlow to my threshold.
She had been a reluctant ally in the presentation of the additional ingredient upon Cain's Sunday lunch platter.
"Oh, Mr Austen," she wept," I no longer work at the Grange."
"You have been dismissed?" I asked, aghast.
"Oh no!" She sobbed, "I have departed  of my own accord. I cannot work in that kitchen again whilst your brother is under that roof. He has been nothing if not nasty and rude towards me since Sunday and I shall not stand for it."
I was full of remorse.
"I shall, at once, make haste to the Grange and confess my part in this matter." 
"You are indeed a gentleman," said Mrs Crutchlow, drying her tears, "but my mind is made up. Your brother is a prick."
"Prig," I corrected.
"No, he is a prick!" She said determinedly.
"Then you shall grace my kitchen." I smiled.
"Oh no! Mr Austen, I did not come here to seek employment."
"No matter, I insist and shall be glad of it and perhaps on occasion, " I rubbed my hands in glee, " you will allow me to knead your baps!"

Monday 12th September 1811

Dear Diary,
Today I am troubled with wind!
I would have ridden up The Knob but most probably would have been blown off!

Sunday 11th September 1811

Dear Diary,
The 'Fates' have been as kind today as they were unkind yesterday!
No sooner had I entered the kitchen this morning than 'that' rodent came scurrying along the floor towards me!
I swear there was malevolence in its eyes.
I leapt in to the air and upon landing looked around to ascertain its whereabouts and by happy fortune my left foot had come down upon the tip of its tail. It was all I could do not to scream and lift my foot to release it but I gathered my wits and grabbing a pot finally had the beast captured.
I am unsure if there was Divine Intervention but whilst at Chapel this morning a wonderful and yet heinous idea found its way into my head.
So, at lunch this afternoon up at The Grange, it just so happened that as Titty raised the cloche upon my dear brother's roast beef he found a mouse sitting quite comfortably in his Yorkshire pudding.
I must say for someone who had encountered a tiger whilst in India, he did seem most alarmed at the sight of a tiny mouse!

Saturday 10th September 1811

Dear Diary,

Imagine my horror when the hour came for me to tickle your crisp ivory pages with my quill yester-eve only to discover 'that' rodent sat upon you as you rested upon my escritoire.

I retreated for the assistance of Willow but upon our return the infernal creature had vanished once again.

We shut the door tight in the hope of containing it and slept in one of the guest bedrooms.
I have spent much of the day today crouched outside my room, peering through the half open door with an empty tea caddy waiting for the creature to reveal its whereabouts so that I might trap it.
A number of times I espied its snout twitching from behind the linen chest but the effrontery it has shown in times past appears to have waned.
Finally, I could take no more and calling upon Willow we entered the room and shut the door behind us sealing all possible exits with fresh linen. My dander was up and I was determined to regain control over mine own house.
We pulled back the linen chest and it scurried under the bed. Upon moving the bed it dashed under the wardrobe. Such a merry dance of back and forth it lead us until at last in a flurry a frantic activity I brought down the caddy and we had it!
We set the room to rights once more and then reaching for a book from my bedside cabinet carefully slipped the hard flat cover beneath the upturned caddy and lifted it and its contents.
Though my hands shook I kept a tight grip upon book and caddy and we ventured out. I was keen to put as much distance as possible between the creature and Knob End when the time came to release it. 
Passing the Grange we encountered Cain as he was making his way to the stables.
"Precious cargo?" he smirked.
"If you must know," I snapped, "it is the beastly rodent that has made my house its own these past months and I am to be rid of it at last."
Cain laughed.
"There was a time in India, dear brother, when I came across a tiger on our path. How would you have fared then if your nerves quiver at a tiny mouse?"
He disappeared into the stables with his amusement and my hands shook now with anger.
We walked on through the woods and past the Chapel before I realised we were fast approaching Cobbler's End and so we decided we had gone far enough. I could not release it near the home of those good ladies.
I stopped and carefully laid the book and caddy upon the ground and taking a deep breath snatched the caddy away.
Nothing!
I could not comprehend it. I was certain we had it caught. The infernal beast was still at large in Knob End!
I snatched up the book and only then noticed it to be a volume of the poetry of Robert Burns. I opened it and can you believe it? There was his poem....
'To a Mouse.'

Thursday 8th September 1811

Dear Diary,
How dreadful is the weather!
It is a wonder that the swallows are still here!
Ned called upon me to apologise for being unable to continue to work on his erection in recent days.
"I am aware that it is a busy time for agriculturalists everywhere." I sympathised. "Please do not torment yourself. I am in no rush for its completion and indeed, with the weather as inclement as it is at present I doubt I would be able to venture out and enjoy its pleasant accommodation."
He thanked me and then asked if I had seen ought of my brother.
I nodded.
"Forgive my impotence, Mr Austen..." he began,
"Impertinence," I corrected.
"...and I know he is your brother, but I do not like the fellow..." he continued.
I sighed.
"I am sorry if I speak out of place but I find 'im rude and vulva!"
"Vulgar," I spluttered and held up my hand to quieten him.
"Ned, how facund of you." I said.
He looked abashed.
"No, " I continued, "that is a compliment and I confess I am inclined to concur with your views upon him. I am just thankful he is spending so much time away in Netherton these past days."
"Aye!" he agreed, "no doubt he is 'rumping' with all manner of protestants....tutes!"

Wednesday 7th September 1811

 Dear Diary,
I am preparing seedlings for my garden. I have already tried to raise some Aubretia seedlings outdoors but only succeeded in feeding the slugs.
I am determined to have this lovely flower cascading from my herbaceous borders and thus have some seedlings now upon an upstairs window-sill safe indoors from those hideous slimy creatures.
I have seen or heard nought of that impudent rodent since our return. I can only assume it left our home out of lack of company.
I saw Cain approaching along the lane this afternoon but hid in my closet at his knocking. When it subsided I peeked into the garden and saw him conversing with Harden Thicke. I saw Harden gesticulate towards the house and then shrug those broad, muscular shoulders. Cain turned and looked towards the house and I dropped to me knees and almost did myself some mischief. When I next dared to look Cain had gone and Harden was back to his raking.
How strange it is not to have Willow around now that he is back teaching at the school during the day. I feel quite idle and need to find something to occupy my hands.

Tuesday 6th September 1811

Dear Diary,
We enjoyed an interesting evening of musical entertainment in Nethercastle close to the Pleasure Grounds at Gibside yester-eve. The songstresses named Krystle and Joan had magificent sets of lungs and knew how to belt out a pleasing ditty. 
Today Willow was back at the school house in preparation for the new school year.
Harden Thicke once more returned to his duties in the garden and I was able to thank him for all his efforts whilst we have been away in Queensland.
I asked after his Dick but he had left it at home as he said it appeared to be a little under the weather. I told him of Miss Lott and Miss Noring's Merkin.
"Perhaps it will perk up your Dick to see it." I offered helpfully.

Monday 5th September 1811

Dear Diary,
We ride to Nethercastle for an evenings musical entertainment and return on the morrow.

Sunday 4th September 1811

Dear Diary,
The perfect day for outdoor activities and yet we remained inside. I thought it best to save all my energies for the luncheon in the afternoon. 
We wandered up to the Grange sometime after three.
Fanny greeted us with a cheerful smile and lead us into the parlour. Mother was sewing by the fire and Father was reading. They both rose to greet us.
"And where is my dear brother," I asked.
"He is to Netherton, on business," said my Father.
"What business?" I was curious but happy and relieved at his absence.
"He did not offer up any details," said Mother returning to her sewing.
"And I hardly cared to ask," said Fanny, "now sit and tell us of your adventures." She patted the sofa beside her. It was covered with hairs from her pussy but I acquiesced.
Mrs Crutchlow had prepared a magnificent repast of roast lamb.
It was wonderful to be home in the bosom of my family.

Saturday 3rd September 1811

Dear Diary,
I was awakened by the sound of someone tapping upon wood.
It was Ned working away on his erection beneath the chestnut tree. I ventured outside to see him and startled him as I approached him from behind.
"I thought you were a woodpecker," I said.
"I thought you were 'incontinent'," he said. 
I gleaned his meaning.
"I am returned from Queensland these past two days but you were most probably too busy tending your bullocks to notice."
It began to rain heavily.
"Leave that and go home," I urged him as I hastily returned indoors.
The rain fell constantly for the rest of the day.
How I missed the sunny days of Queensland.

Friday 2nd September 1811

Dear Diary,
My happy return has been somewhat overshadowed by the unexpected appearance of my brother Cain Austen.
By all accounts it would appear that his arrival was not that unexpected and indeed my family knew of his intentions even before I left for Queensland but declined, nay, decided against informing me. As I recall Mother did mention receiving an epistle shortly before my departure but Father quietened her. I do not blame him for surely it would have ruined my sojourn away.
He is returned from India after quelling some rebellion there. How lucky are those Indians to be free of him at last!
It is no secret that my brother and I are somewhat estranged and I confess the ill feelings I have toward him are grounded in his poor and spiteful treatment of me in our youth. 
I am ill at ease with his return.
Consequently I have avoided visiting the Grange today and thus my parents and Fanny were bound to call upon me at Knob End. 
We are invited to lunch after Chapel on Sunday. I dread it.
I mounted Python and rode upon the Knob until the threat of perspiration forced me to dismount and take in the view.
"Magnificent, isn't it?" It was the last voice I wanted to intrude upon my solitude.
I turned to face him.
"Wayne," he continued, "I sincerely desire and hope that we can start anew and you can find it in your good and decent heart to forgive the folly of my youth."
He took a step closer and began to idly toss and catch the dark rock he was holding in his hand.
"It is time to repair our fraternal relationship, don't you think?" He pocketed the rock and held out his hand.
It was dirty.
"You know I am right on this matter, come brother, shake upon it."
He saw me looking at his outstretched hand. He glanced at it himself and withdrew it, wiping it upon his breeches before offering it once more.
After a further moment of hesitation I took it. 
His grip was firm and I squeezed back as hard as I could.
There is nothing worse than a feeble handshake and in this instance I was determined not to be found guilty of such a transgression.
He smiled with satisfaction and moving to my side we both turned to the view once again.
"So...," he began, "...this is where Cousin Evelyn died?"

Thursday 1st September 1811

Dear Diary,
One cannot deny the excitement I felt as we approached the Nethers.
How green everything was although sadly the sun was obscured by a blanket of sombre cloud and did not show its face in friendly greeting. I strained from the window for a glimpse of my Knob and saw it standing proud above the weald.
I waved the driver on past Thrushcross Grange eager to see Knob End. There will be time later to regale my family with tales of my adventures.
The house looked much as I had left it and I left Willow struggling with his unwieldy instrument to rush indoors.
I confess since observing the ravages at Frogknot of the rodent infestation there that I had feared for my drapery and soft furnishings but I was pleasantly surprised to find all was well and indeed there appeared to be no evidence of the cunning beast that I had suspected was gnawing upon my knick-knacks. 
I suspected the hand of Mrs Crutchlow in the obvious neatness about the place and smiled at familiarity and comfort of my own surroundings once more.
I moved to the parlour window and looked out upon the garden. I could see that Harden Thicke had been very industrious in my absence. A wide area had been weeded and raked and looked ready to be sown with seed for the lawn and over to the right there was a goodly sized area turned over and neatly bordered with stones that was to be our vegetable garden. I clasped my hands in joy at the sight and then I saw it, there beneath the branches of the Chestnut tree, semi erect, Ned's erection. Though not yet finished I gasped at its magnificence and hurried out to try examine it more closely. I pushed past Willow struggling in through the door with our luggage and out into the garden.
As I approached across the partly laid pathway I was suddenly halted in my steps by the sight of someone already seated upon 'my' erection. It was not anyone I recognised certainly and I moved on at apace and cleared my throat;
"Ahem! Excuse me, I think you will find that this is private property and you, sir, are trespassing upon it! I urge you quickly to retreat or I shall have need to call upon my my hefty man servant to remove you forthwith!"
The fellow did not move as I came up behind him. I waited for some response and when it came I was dumbstruck!
"Oh surely there is no call for that," said a voice I recognised, " after all, I am family."
He stood and turned round and there was that familiar sneering smile and those duplicitous eyes.
"Come brother, embrace me," he said as he held out his arms.
I was utterly stunned and stood my ground. I felt myself trembling like a rabbit cornered by a fox.
"Hello, Cain," I managed to find my voice.
"What a pleasant surprise." 
I lied.