Thursday 8th May 1808

Dear Diary,
The weather has been glorious of late and soon after rising I have hastened out to take advantage of that unreliable orb that travels across the heavens each day. Yesterday, I had to push my way past a...(what is the collective noun for a group of nuns?)...let us say, a hymen of nuns gathered about the bottom step, all watching Jane wrestle with an Abbess upon the ground. I know not why nor care but nuns are not what they used to be if they utter phrases like "Throttle her with your wimple, Sister!"
This morn I was making my escape for the day when Fanny called me back and asked if I had heard the news from Ned.
"Are there more nuns mustering upon the horizon to attack?" I quiped.
"No," she replied "but do not venture into Cobbler's Bottom for I fear you may live to rue it."
It seems that yesterday after her class had returned home Miss Quirrel was set upon by an unknown assailant. Her head was covered with a sack, she was bound over her desk and treated to a taste of her own cane.
" How dreadful!" I gasped.
" Not really," said Fanny " by all accounts she was more concerned about the profanities written upon her blackboard...words, it seems, very similar to those uttered by you on a visit to the school. She believes you were behind it in response to her laying a hand upon you."
I felt myself go quite pale and Fanny assisted me across the garden and I lowered myself carefully onto Ned's erection.
" I shall go with haste into Cobbler's Bottom," she continued "and I will vouch for your attendance here last night and quash this silly gossiping. Do not fret, brother. I will make it well."
Am I not a most unfortunate fellow?
Come angry Nuns! Put me out of my misery!