Saturday 31st May 1808

Dear Diary,
Such a glorious day that I could not remain indoors. I contemplated going outside disguised as a washer woman but decided against it perchance Willy Tert discovered me thus clad and I feel I have some way to go to improve my standing in his eyes. I found a secluded part of the garden, but well within earshot of others and settled down to read. Mrs Norris wandered past at one point but I feigned sleep, being careful to snore slightly so that she did not suspect that Death had taken me at last. I was reading an interesting piece about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse when Ned crept up behind me and took me unawares. I gasped.
"Ned, my nerves are in tatters as it is," I scolded.
"Sorry, Mr Austen, sir, but I have been cogitating," he replied. I gasped again.
Ned! That's marvellous! I congratulate you on your diction!" I enthused.
He smiled proudly for a brief moment then resumed a serious face.
"Well," he went on, "All these recent events, the gifts, the window, Python, the visitor in the night, could all be someone bent upon revenge. I was wondering...Mr Austen have you 'spermed' anyone?"