Monday 26th May 1808

Dear Diary,
I have scarcely slept. I fear I must have offended someone greatly but know not how. Surely the dead flowers, boxed rodent and now the attempted theft of my Python are signs that someone intends me ill. Maybe I should escape to Canada and resign myself to live amongst beaver. I wished to confide my fears to Fanny but she was called to Cobbler's End to help the ladies freshen their rugs. Thus I sought out Ned. He is decent and honest and though quite common, I do trust him. I found him occupied with a hand job in his shed. He put down his crevice tool as I entered and found a bucket and upturned it and motioned for me to sit upon it. I began to tell him of my suspicions about my recent unwelcome gifts being related to the mishandling of my Python, whilst he rooted about in one ear with his little finger. As I finished he cried out;
"Oh my God!"
I nearly fell off the bucket with shock.
"What do you think that is?" He asked holding out his little finger with something dark and moist stuck on the end of it.
"Ned," I breathed, " have you heard a word I've said?"
"Indeed, Mr Austen," he replied, " I think you are right. The anus lies with you."
"Onus" I sighed.