Wednesday 30th January 1808

Dear Diary,
It was a lovely bright day but I remained for much of it in my chamber and feigned illness. If truth be told I was not wholly feeling myself. The events of yesterday had been distressing but the presence of the Tents makes me tense. I had much time for contemplation and inward thought especially after Fanny brought up a short missive from Mr Fairweather. He had recently been walking where we had walked and said he felt that something was missing. I am grateful for his thoughts of me but am sure it was no more than a fleeting memory. He has been quite busy and said he is to go abroad with a friend for a short time in the coming weeks. I do not know how to put into words how I feel. I stood before the looking glass and stared at myself to try and fathom what it is he cannot see in me that he can see in others. Is it without or within? Am I not a decent and honest man with a generous heart and good humour? I know not how to blame him for his blindness and not myself for some deficiency in me. I wish that I could. Sometimes I feel self obsessed and my desire to love makes me blind to all about me. I am a rich man, not so much in wealth, but in family, friends and health. I should cherish that more.