Monday 28th January 1808

Dear Diary,
I was dreaming I was sat beside a trickling brook when I woke up, this morn, to find Malcolm Tent micturating in my water closet, his night shirt tucked up around the hairiest pair of buttocks I have ever beheld. It was all I could do to stifle the squeal of shock that rose in my throat.
It was kippers for breakfast and I almost choked on a bone. I fear I need not inform you who slapped me upon my back to dislodge it. Evelyn is becoming very attentive and I fear she is developing a high regard for me. Fanny and she departed for Cobbler's End to call upon the ladies therein and I took Malcolm around the grounds and for a stroll atop the Knob. It is indeed a magnificent view and today the sky was clear and a beautiful pale blue. We stood there admiring the vista when Malcolm belched loudly, startling some small creature not far away, which rustled off, and a waft of kipper assailed my olfactory organs. I looked Heavenwards to plead for strength and noticed a flock of geese, in a perfect 'v' formation directly overhead as they headed south. A moment later something white and glutinous bespattered my frock coat. Why me? Have I offended Mother Nature so much that I am invaded by voles and squirrels, taunted by magpies, urinated on by sheep and now attacked from the air? Is it now my fate to be stalked and eaten by a wolf? Malcolm was most amused. "Come on" he said and thumped me on the back. How I wanted to kick those hairy buttocks!