Tuesday 8th January 1808

Dear Diary,
I am in a dark mood. Sometimes it comes upon me. Is it the weather or the darkness of the mornings and evenings at this time of year? Is it loneliness and a craving for affection? I am unhappy and yet I know I have much to be grateful for and compared to many, I am blessed. However I still wallow in self pity and gaze out at the dullness of the day. Am I the only one without a hand to hold? Am I the only one who has not laughed these past hours? I know the root of all this, if I am honest. It has nought to do with weather or darkness. I also know the cure for my ills but it is so far from my reach and I fear the distance between, widens. I am an incomplete puzzle and the final piece, having a mind of it's own, does not wish to complete me and runs and searches for a puzzle of it's own. In the darkness and solitude of last night I contemplated a complete and final disassociation if only to stem the ache I feel inside. I held my pillow so tightly and prayed for the comfort of sleep and my prayers were granted.
I find ,today, my resolve has weakened and that is not because I am a weak man but more likely, no doubt, down to stupidity. It is not easy for a man to cut off one of his own limbs and I fear that is how it would seem. Today I still breathe and the ache has numbed slightly.
I took some air, walking the woodland paths and encountered Old Collette Fairfax humping faggots homeward. How she has haunted me recently. I turned around to avoid confrontation but then my mood made me continue onward. I was not to be cowed by a frail old woman. As we met I spoke, " I deeply apologise Miss Fairfax for the dangerous encounter the other day but I feel it did not warrant your attack upon my horse and I trust that in future you mind my property." " Ah, niver touched yer 'orse" she spat back, " now leave me be!" "I believe you to be a liar and if I never see you again Miss Fairfax, " I replied, " it would be far too soon".
The evening is wild and my casement is rattling. The sky weeps. I know how it feels.