Thursday 8th September 1811

Dear Diary,
How dreadful is the weather!
It is a wonder that the swallows are still here!
Ned called upon me to apologise for being unable to continue to work on his erection in recent days.
"I am aware that it is a busy time for agriculturalists everywhere." I sympathised. "Please do not torment yourself. I am in no rush for its completion and indeed, with the weather as inclement as it is at present I doubt I would be able to venture out and enjoy its pleasant accommodation."
He thanked me and then asked if I had seen ought of my brother.
I nodded.
"Forgive my impotence, Mr Austen..." he began,
"Impertinence," I corrected.
"...and I know he is your brother, but I do not like the fellow..." he continued.
I sighed.
"I am sorry if I speak out of place but I find 'im rude and vulva!"
"Vulgar," I spluttered and held up my hand to quieten him.
"Ned, how facund of you." I said.
He looked abashed.
"No, " I continued, "that is a compliment and I confess I am inclined to concur with your views upon him. I am just thankful he is spending so much time away in Netherton these past days."
"Aye!" he agreed, "no doubt he is 'rumping' with all manner of protestants....tutes!"