Monday 28th April 1808

Dear Diary,
A day of unwanted presentations. A neatly wrapped package addressed to Mr W Austen Esq was waiting for me upon the breakfast table when I went down. I wish now I had chosen to enjoy the fat sausage that Ned laid before me afore I opened the package, but no, my curiosity as to the contents overwhelmed my need for sustenance. I ripped off the wrapping to find a small wooden box, about the size of a shoe, with a tightly fitting lid. With little hesitation I prised off the lid and peered inside and was horrified at what I found. I gasped loudly in shock and the box slipped from my fingers, fell to the table and out tumbled the dead rat within. Fanny screamed loudly and leapt from her seat. She had been gently stroking her pussy and it's hairs were now on end as Fanny gripped it tightly in horror. Mother slumped into her porridge and had to be lifted out by Titty. Father came bursting in followed by Jane, wearing a pillowcase on her head, as a makeshift wimple. We all stood and stared at the unfortunate creature as it lay between the toast and honey. Suddenly, Father's Todger sprang up onto the table, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. He snapped up my sausage in one gulp then seized the rat in his mouth and bounded out of the parlour. There was a small card in the box which was inscribed " A rat for a rat."
Later, I was in the garden, sat upon Ned's erection, contemplating the mornings events when I heard a hissing sound from across the garden and noticed a hand beckoning me from out of a bush. I wandered over to find a breathless Woody;
"'Ere I gotta give ya dis" and he indicated his bulging sack. He opened it and something glistened in the sunlight. It was the silver from the Chapel. I gasped for a second time.
" Da littl' un did it," he sighed.
"Diddy?" I asked.
"Yeh, he did, but don' worry he knows he shouldna and we kicked his ass fer it!"
" I am sure he is repentent," I replied "but I fail to see why you should take it out on his donkey."
Woody, just looked at me for a moment in puzzlement then said:
" Right, we're off. We ain't hangin round ere to be 'ung up by da nuts!" He smiled his crooked smile. "Ah'll be seeing ya Wayne," and he held out a stained hand. I gasped it firmly and shook it heartily and then he disappeared into the shrubbery.
Thus on a day when valubles that were lost were found, I lost something I valued. I only hope not forever. And somewhere out there is someone who does not hold me in the esteem to which I am accustomed or is confusing me with another. I have wronged no one have I?
Oh, and it was my birthday.