Tuesday 25th March 1808

Dear Diary,
Mrs Norris is gone, for now. She left this afternoon but not before a little drama.
After lunch she was taking a turn around the garden with myself and my sister Jane, who was telling her about the new novel she was writing, . I was not particularly paying that much attention to the conversation but I believe she said it is called Enema. Suddenly, Mrs Norris noticed that the 'rodent' was no longer waddling behind us. She cried out "Winky! Winky darling! Come to Mama!" but nothing emerged from the shrubbery. I suspect even the slugs shrank back. I made some attempt to look concerned but the stupid creature is always getting lost and, sadly, always found. When an hour had passed and there was still no sign of the beast, despite a well manned search of the house and grounds, I began to think we might never suffer her Winky again. I encountered Ned as I returned from the orchard.
"Oh Mr Austen, Mrs Norris is in a fair terrible state, lying 'prostate' on the 'chaise longoo'. Your Father has had an idea though. He has released his Todger. He believes it will follow little Winky's scent."
We walked back to the main entrance together and were just approaching the steps when there came an ear piercing shriek, and Mrs Norris charged out. She was pointing, wildly, in the direction of the drive. Ned and I turned to where she was indicating and there, padding up the drive was Todger with something small, hanging limply from his mouth. There was a dull thud and I turned to find Ned and Mrs Norris were no longer standing where they had been only a moment before. I felt a hand grasp my ankle and I looked down to find Ned buried beneath the unconscious woman.
Fortunately, Father appeared at that moment and we wrested Ned from beneath the suffocating mass of Mrs Norris's breasts. Winky, was placed unharmed at Father's feet and much attention was paid to his Todger, which was patted and squeezed and, yes, even Mrs Norris placed a hand upon it in thanks for the safe return of her 'precious baby' before mounting the carriage to return home.
I am glad we have the Grange to ourselves again.