Thursday 7th July 1811

Dear Diary,
I was daydreaming in the garden and picturing in my mind's eye the transformation of the present wilderness into something wonderful that perhaps even Mr Capability Brown might have drawn breath at, had he not been the compost, that he now most certainly is, when I noticed a pale green tendril clinging to my breeches. I almost squealed as I imagined it to be a nettle seeking revenge for the brethren I had threshed with my scythe but a few days earlier but it seems I was wrong. I heard a small polite cough and then someone said;
"I see yer havin' trouble with yer Sticky Willy."
I looked up to behold a fine, strapping youth smiling back at me, his dark, tousled curls played upon his forehead in the gentle breeze.
I stood with my arms slightly raised above my waist to avoid them touching the invading tendril below and asked;
"Could I trouble you sir, to remove this 'thing' from my breeches." He came forward and bent to do my bidding and a waft of coal tar soap danced about my nostrils.This was a fine fellow indeed.

I invited him into the parlour and took down his credentials and was most pleased with what I discovered. He was indeed everything I was searching for. However, it transpired he had further surprises up his sleeve, or be that, his trouser leg for suddenly I noticed a stirring in his breeches. I endeavoured not to stare but it was an intriguing distraction and then suddenly out popped a head above his waistband.
A flush came over his face and he clasped his hands quickly to his lap.

"Oh, I beg pardon. That weren't supposed to 'appen. Its just my Dick. I fort he was asleep."

"You keep a ferret down your trousers?"
I tried to keep an open mind. 

"Not all't time, just when I have ter keep an eye on 'im. D'ya mind ferrets, Mr Austen?"

I shook my head somewhat unconvincingly.

"D'ya wanna tickle him? He shan't bite." he offered.

I declined more convincingly.

The uncomfortable silence that followed was thankfully interrupted by a rap at the door.

I excused myself for a moment and went to attend the caller.

It was Harry Balls.

"'Av' just seen yer sign in't....."

"I'm sorry Mr Balls," I interjected " the post has just been filled."

Harry Balls looked past me into the hallway and I turned to see our new 'help' standing a few paces behind holding his Dick.

"Yes, I have just offered the post here to Mr......er....Mr...."

"Thicke." The young fellow came to my rescue.
"Harden Thicke."