Monday 11th July 1811

Dear Diary,
Oh woe!
Nay, do not fret. Willow is still abed but I am happy to report seems much improved.
My woe is down to the fact that Willow was unable to attend school today and someone needed to be found as a temporary substitute which unfortunately, it transpired, turned out to be me.
I have had such an irksome day and feel I would rather face the rigours and invasions of the nettles and sticky willy of my garden than the unwashed youth of Cobbler's Bottom. What made it even more beastly was that Willow had the opportunity to see Harden Thicke stripped to his waist and wielding his chopper on his first day of work at Knob End before I did.
The school room at Cobbler's Bottom is not spacious and I have concluded needs better ventilation!
The day began dreadfully when as I was scribing my name upon the blackboard the piece of chalk produced the most ear shattering squeal that caused me to immediately drop it and I was reduced to a quivering wreck and dare not go near it again.
Willow had suggested some spelling and after witnessing their most appalling attempts I finally conceded after I asked them to spell 'country.' I could not believe my eyes!
I resolved to share my experience of balls, as I have attended many and for some time at least they appeared to heed my words and I began to sense I was making some small difference to their uncultivated lives.
However, after lunch one vulgar rascal, who produced a continuous green excretion upon his upper lip and named Willie Stroker, placed what I can only describe as a large, pink, glutinous mass upon my desk with the words;
" 'Ere y'are then, if ya like balls."
It turned out to be a bull's testicle!
I have had better days.