Dear Diary,Things move apace. The wedding shall be Thursday. Who would have thought that I, Wayne Austen would be involved in two hymenial happenings in as many months with two different women, one of whom turned out to be more different than anyone had foreseen?The Clamps arrived today. Mrs Norris has arranged them accomodation at the Inn in the village. Farmer Clamp insists on bearing his cock wherever he goes and is loathe to let it go. He is very much attached to it and it seems Mrs Norris had to be quite persuasive at the Inn in acquiring permission for it to flap freely about their premises. I was out in the garden this afternoon searching for Willow, who appears somewhat distant at present, when I was mounted from behind by Father's Todger. I grant you it is not the first time that such an occurence has taken place but it was the last thing I expected at that moment. I turned to find Father standing behind me with a disapproving look."Wayne, I cannot hide my disappointment" He spoke sternly."I know," I shrugged, " If only I had visited Violet the Violator and her donkey friend instead." He coloured slightly and then patting my shoulder said,"Well, you know you can always count on me in your hour of need.""As a matter of fact," I replied, " there is something you can do for me. Could you keep a secret?" Then I laughed. "Oh, how silly of me! Of course you can!"
Dear Diary,Forgive my absence but I am returned, though I doubt you knew I was away.It seems that Ned was not the only one making plans, when I last adorned your pages with my inky nib. Early Friday morning, with little warning or compunction, I was carried away by Barouche for "my own good". I have spent the last few days in enforced contemplation, behind the walls of Ballbanger Abbey. My Mother and Mrs Norris, thought it best that it should be so, and hopefully, in the 'quiet' and 'solitude' therein, repent of my indiscretion. Quiet!? If I hear another bell toll I fear I shall scream, grab Ned's chopper and run amok! As for solitude...well, news of my 'new' reputation has travelled far and fast, even beyond the Abbey walls. I barely had a free moment, when there was not some postulant encroaching upon my sanctuary, offering to kneel before me and show me the way to Heaven.There was nothing to repent and little to contemplate, except to say that I shall accede to Ned's plan. Things could hardly get any worse.
Dear Diary,Enough is enough!The truth must out! I found Ned running his hands over Python's fetlocks in the stable. "The time has come for probity Ned!" He looked startled and backed up against the wall. "You must show your rectitude." He whimpered, strangely. "Are you ready to be upstanding?" I enquired."I.....er.....well, er.....I dunno. I've got a bit of a headache at the moment," he said."You must go and own up to your indiscretion with Titty. Admit that you are the Father. It is what we should have done from the start. As it is the scandal that is building now is far greater than it would have been if we had been honest from the start. It is my reputation that is at stake here, and all for what?"He sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "Mr Austen, I am a simple man," he said. (I could not argue with that.) "Forgive me, if I speak honestly but I love my daughter and I only want the best for her and is it not true that she has a better chance in this life as your daughter than my own?"He had a point."But my reputation?" I repeated."Can I be honest again, Sir?" He looked more serious than I had ever seen him before. I nodded. "You are, well, you're a bit wet, begging your pardon, and I think if we play this out, it will give you a bit of a reputation, yes but, if I may be so bold as to suggest, you might be perceived to be......more of a man.""But I can't marry Titty." I spluttered."Ah, well....no.....I have another plan," he 'wanked'.
Dear Diary,How sometimes I wish I were not me. I receive disapproving stares from everyone where'er I go. Even Ned said "How could you Mr Austen?""It just slipped out," I moaned."Yes, and into my Titty," he scowled."What are you talking about?" I said. "You don't think I am actually the father of the child!""Well, you said you were." He looked confused."I made it up, on the spur of the moment, you buffoon! To prevent them from taking your baby away!"Mrs Norris and Mother were in conference most of the day. I suspect they are trying to avoid the scandal getting out. "Well, if that Fanny Tickler opens her mouth as easily as her legs," said Ned, "you're buggered!"I took some air in the garden and was discovered by Reverend Peacock. "I have just come from speaking with Mrs Norris and your Mother, Mr Austen." He smiled, kindly and then dropped his eyes from my face, shyly."I would like to marry you Mr Austen."I was stunned. I could not believe my ears. My heart was beating wildly. I reached out and grasped his arm and tried to regulate my breathing."I am truly flattered, Mr Peacock. Oh, if only you could." I breathed."Well, I can," he said. "All we need is you and Titty. She is the mother isn't she? And I am allowed to conduct a wedding you know."
Dear Diary,I barely slept. I had been unable to catch Ned alone to tell him of Annie's impending departure until this morning but came down and found him dusting Mrs Norris's bust in the hallway. I approached him and whispered;"Ned, I have urgent news!"At that moment Mrs Norris emerged from the Sitting Room."Be careful with that Ted, it is a work of art." She disappeared into the parlour."Fart? Who's Fart?" Asked Ned.Before I could pummel his uneducated head, Mrs Norris re-emerged from the parlour."Come here Jed. My nick-nacks have need of your duster," and he dutifully followed.I had wanted to discuss the matter with Ned before Titty was informed but when I came across her rocking Annie in her arms in the garden, I blurted it out...and then wished I hadn't.She let out such a cry that a peacock close by echoed her. She was very distraught and begged for my help. I said that I would and assured her all would be well but I had no idea how I was to proceed.I was on my way up the stairs to find Willow and ask for his help when the knock came upon the door. Fanny Tickler, the housekeeper opened the door and there stood the Reverend Peacock and a dour looking woman in a tatty bonnet. Miss Tickler showed them in and at that moment Mrs Norris emerged from the sitting room clutching her Winky. Mother appeared next to me on the landing followed by Willow carrying a tray of breakfast things. As he began to descend the stairs, Ned emerged from the parlour and Titty entered from outside, behind the Reverend.Everyone's attention turned upon her and she let out a pityful wail of "Oh no!" and clutched Annie tightly. Ned looked up at me bemused and Willow came to a halt halfway down the stairs."Don't be silly dear, hand the child over," said Mrs Norris, "Tis for the best."Titty stepped back and tightened her grip upon her daughter and then she looked up at me with such fear in her eyes. The dour woman stepped forward and held out her arms."Wait!" I called. "The child has.... head lice."The dour woman paused and looked at me. She smiled and her grin was more gap than teeth. "No matter Sir," she laughed, "They will be company for the others at the Poor House." She stepped forward again."Wait!" I called again, "The child has...ricketts!"Everyone's attention turned back to me. Ned's bemusement was obviously infectious. The dour woman paused again briefly but then, with an irritated sigh, reached out and took hold of the baby. Titty screamed. The baby wailed. Winky yapped. Mother gasped and Mrs Norris ordered Titty to release the child. The noise rose to a cacophony."Enough!" I cried above the din. "The child is mine!" There was sudden silence and then the breakfast things clattered down the stairs as Willow dropped the tray. Mrs Norris dropped Winky with a gasp and staggered backwards to grasp the plinth upon which her bust rested. It wobbled momentarily and then fell to the floor with a crash and shattered.Again a stunned silence fell upon the gathering and then..."Oh dear!" Said Ned, "Fart's not going to be pleased."
Dear Diary,Willow was teaching me how to blow his pink oboe when we espied the Reverend Drew Peacock approaching the hall. "I wonder what brings him here?" Willow spoke mine own thoughts. "Shall I go down?" I wondered aloud."If you must," said Willow, "but you were just making progress before our distraction and your lip technique is much improved. I say we press on here. What say you?""Indeed, you are right," I smiled. "Whatever it is I am sure we shall hear of it later."I continued my tutoring for quite some time and all thoughts of the Reverend had slipped my mind when there was a rapping upon the study door.Removing my lips from Willow's instrument, I called, "Enter."In stepped the Reverend Peacock. He bowed slightly and smiled "Mr Woofter, Mr Austen, Forgive my interuption. I am just come to bid you good day before I return home." I nodded in return yet Willow looked somewhat vexed. There was a heavy pause and then the Reverend spoke again;"I must say that is a fine looking instrument you have there, Mr Austen. Is it your own?""No, it's Mr Woofter's," I replied."Well, it is fine. Very fine indeed." Another awkward silence ensued, then;"Most fine....." said the Reverend. "Well, I shall be off. I just came to discuss the baby with Mrs Norris but now I leave.""The baby?" I queried then replaced the oboe to my lips."Indeed, baby Annie. I am happy to report that I have made enquiries and the poor house in Pimpton will take her tomorrow."The sudden blast that came from the oboe even startled me!
Dear Diary,This morning the whole household ventured into the village of Far Corfe to attend the morning service at the Chapel of St Peter on the Hoar. I managed to both distance myself from Mrs Norris and her horrendous caterwauling and find a pew just in front of Willow. When the Reverend Peacock emerged in his crisp white vestments and mounted the pulpit, I almost forgot to breathe. If ever there was an angel upon the earth then surely it is he. His blonde hair shone in the ray of sunlight streaming in through the painted glass window behind him and his eyes were the colour of cornflowers. He raised his hand and an organ swelled and I felt it's vibration travel through me. "Let us sing Glory be to God on high," he announced. Oh, how I did. Willow, as I expected has a beautiful voice and it's mellow sound filled my ears during the hymns. I cannot remember enjoying a service more than that of today, with Willow behind and the Reverend Peacock before. Annie became restless during the sermon, who's theme appeared to be 'Don't let worry kill you - Allow the Church to help' and after a loud 'tut' from Mrs Norris and a vexed glance, Titty slipped out with her.When the service was over we all hung back to allow the regular parishioners to leave and then Mrs Norris introduced my Mother, Fanny and I to the Reverend Peacock. He smiled warmly and hoped we felt welcome in his parish. I wanted to enquire about his organ but decided it was far too soon to be so bold and yet fortuitously after we had bid him a 'good day' and turned to leave, he unexpectedly called me back."Oh, Mr Austen, Mr Woofter has informed me of your fondness for organs. Please feel free to avail yourself of mine when'er the fancy takes you."Can you imagine how I felt upon hearing those words?"That is most kind of you, Reverend Peacock," I replied, "I should like to very much.""There are no need for formalities after the service, Wayne. Please, call me Drew," he said.
