Sunday 31st July 1811

Dear Diary,
Yesterday began  very early with a trip to the local market. Such a vast array of fruits and vegetables and a great many that I have never set eyes upon before. We met the delightful Quinella Crane, a good friend of Willow's and meandered in her company. Feeling somewhat peckish we enjoyed a number of sausages of varying thickness and length. A pleasing and welcome breakfast. 
We returned later to Acacia Ridge and once again spent an afternoon playing canasta. I cannot say how it happened for it most certainly was not skill, but, happily I gained the upper hand to win the day.
The theme for today has been gardening, gastronomy and gambling. Willow's Kith and Kin arrived to tend to much needed tasks about the family homestead and I even set my hand to weeding. I enjoyed much more success than my recent attempts at Knob End as I donned a pair of gloves. 
There may have been thorns but I did not feel a prick.
For lunch we had 'Fried Chook'. It was quite delicious. I know not what 'chook' is and was too polite to ask but it does taste very much like chicken.
After lunch Willow's Kith and Kin admired the gift we had brought for his mother, a book of portraits of us both in various poses about The Nethers. They found it to be " noice, defferunt, unyousual."
Later in the day I was introduced to the intricacies of poker. Willow said a 'straight' was more preferable to a pair of Queens! I found it extremely difficult to comprehend and it all ended with a Royal Flush.

Friday 29th July 1811

Dear Diary,
I am in Queensland!
We have arrived at Willow's family homestead here in Acacia Ridge.
What a wild and untamed place this is. On our journey Willow has regaled me with tales of the deadly flora and fauna to expect in these parts. Indeed there are even trees which can sting and cause great discomfort never mind the vast variety of deadly spiders and serpents. Oh heavens! Where have I agreed to come?
Not only that I find that it is winter here! I have relinquished a summer for a winter! Granted the weather thus far has been most agreeable and nought like the winters one expects in the Nethers but it is winter nevertheless.
Whilst sat upon the verandah playing canasta with Willow's mater in the afternoon sunshine a large creature bounded past. I took it to be an excessively large ill-formed rabbit but Willow informed me it was a 'roo'. 
'A roo! How lovely!' I exclaimed until I was told that one had molested an old lady quite recently in the region. 
Tomorrow we are to the market if I can muster up the courage to venture from the safety of our lodgings.

Thursday 28th July 1811

Dear Diary,
How far it is to Queensland!
I am utterly exhausted and on a few occasions have woken to find myself salivating upon Willow's shoulder.
I fear I shall have to remain abed for my first few days there to regain my composure and a demeanour worthy of public intercourse.
Do forgive me if I neglect you in the coming days. 
I shall endeavour to keep you informed as often as I might.

Wednesday 27th July 1811

Dear Diary,
How great is artistic licence!
We have just passed through some Arabian area and I have seen the biggest erection I have ever set eyes upon. In fact, by all accounts it is the largest in the World! 
Let us be reminded that size is not everything and though magnificent I would much prefer to sit upon one of Ned's any time of the day.

Tuesday 26th July 1811

Dear Diary,
Our journey has been delayed!
I blame the magpies! 
One of the four Arabian horses that was to pull our carriage has lost a shoe!
I fear the blacksmith they called to attend the task must have been a veritable nincompoop, for now we have been told we cannot leave until tomorrow.
We have been given lodgings in Manchesterford in what I can only describe as a penal institution!
My nerves are in pieces, what with these latest events and the knowledge that whilst we are away there is a malodorous an unfettered rodent nibbling away at my Knob End!

Monday 25th July 1811

Dear Diary,
We were up with the lark and packed our bags into the phaeton. Ned and Titty came to bid us farewell. He is to busy himself with his erection whilst we are away.
As we finally set off  he called out,
"Say hello to all the Queens!" 
But I was looking past him for one last look at my Knob End and there, to my horror, sat in the parlour window was that fiendish rodent. The same one I was sure had gone to Far Corfe. 
I could swear it was waving at me!
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" I cried all down the drive.

Sunday 24th July 1811

Dear Diary,
I am quite exhausted.
The day has been filled with preparations for departure. I have had to ensure that Knob End is clean and tidy from top to bottom. I cannot abide returning from travels to find ones knick knacks out of place.
I hurried to the ladies at Cobbler's End and Miss Lott kindly trimmed my hair.
I had quite forgotten they also enjoyed the pleasures of a pet ferret , the lovely Merkin.
Miss Noring often wears breeches so I enquired as to whether Merkin had free rein in them.
"Good heavens no!" she exclaimed, " though I did try it once but Merkin having been used to hunting rabbits dashed up the nearest hole!" She shook her head gravely. "Never again!"
"You must venture to Knob End while I am away. Harden will be working there and you can ask to see his Dick. I am certain he will let you handle it if you inform him of your experience in these matters." I said.
I called into Thrushcock for yet another round of 'farewells' on my way home.
"Oh, I am glad you called, Wayne. We have received an exciting and unexpected epistle!" Mother twittered.
Fanny rolled her eyes heavenwards and Father stepped forward,
"No need to bother the boy with that now. He has more pressing matters. Be off and enjoy your self my boy!"
"Is it regarding balls?" I whispered to Fanny as I hugged her.
"In some respect," she answered, "but do not fret. I am sure all will be well. Go and enjoy yourself."

Saturday 23rd July 1811

Dear Diary,
As our journey to Queensland is imminent we were invited to Thrushcock Grange for dinner with my family and took the opportunity to return Fanny's pussy for which we had no further use.
I cannot say whether Father's Todger leapt up due to the excitement of seeing me or because of the return of Fanny's Tuppence but I do wish it would exercise some restraint. I shall now have to launder my frock coat before our departure and time is pressing as it is!

Friday 22nd July 1811

Dear Diary,
My right eye has been most uncomfortable these last few days. When I awoke this morning it was again prickling and I resolved to do something about it.
Willow had already risen and gone to the school room before I stirred. The poor fellow is exhausted but happily it is the final day of this summer term and freedom beckons.
Harden Thicke was already wielding his chopper outside in an attempt to remove a particularly stubborn tree stump. I slipped on my dressing gown and ventured out to see him.
"Would you mind taking a look in my right eye, Harden?" I asked. "I feel a great irritation therein and it is such a dreadful vexation."
He rubbed his calloused hands upon his breeches and lifted the upper lid upon my right eye and gazed into it.
"Can't see owt," he said, "but it is a little red."
I sighed and thanked him for his efforts and decided to call upon Llewelyn Dowd.
I walked to the doctor's house through the woods and met Ned driving some sheep down the lane.
"How was 'er ladyship's visit," he asked.
"Oh Ned, my nerves were in tatters. She almost sat upon Harden's Dick and I had to distract her with my 'Norma Stitts'. Thankfully her visit was short lived due to the inclement weather and she departed, happily, taking the small rodent, that has plagued me these last few days, away upon her new three shilling bonnet."
It was all too much for Ned to take in and I knew I had lost him at 'inclement weather'.
"Are you winking at me again, Mr Austen?" He asked.
"No Ned! I have some irritation in my eye and I am to Llewelyn Dowd this instant. I think you best be off after those sheep." 
They had wandered on down the lane and I left him to hurry after them.
Sometime later Doctor Dowd peered into my eye with a large magnifying glass. How strange he looked with one eye enlarged.
"Ah yes, I see," he murmured. "Yes, you have some kind of splinter in your cornea. I'll just remove it. Hold still a moment."
"You are going to remove my cornea?!" I gasped.
"No, Wayne, just the splinter. Hold still!"
He scratched at my eye with a small blunt implement and then rinsed my eye with water.
"Here is the offending item." He lifted it from my lower lid with a handkerchief and held it for me to see.
It was a small brown speck.
"This was embedded in your cornea Wayne!"
I shivered.
How perilous is the world we live in!

Thursday 21st July 1811

Dear Diary,
I should really be making preparations for our visit to Queensland but I had to spend the morning ensuring all was fit for the arrival of Mrs Norris for luncheon. I called Harden in and excused him from garden duties and asked him to polish my knick-knacks. 
I thought it best that he kept his Dick concealed with in his breeches for the duration of Mrs Norris's visit and told him so. He was happy to comply.
Mrs Norris arrived shortly after twelve in her barouche, even though Thrushcock Grange is only a five minute stroll from door to door. 
She remained seated until I rushed out to help her down.
"And what do you think to my new bonnet, Wayne dear? I paid all of three shillings for it."
"It is indeed most fetching and the colour compliments your complexion a great deal." I lied. "And now, if you would permit me to show you my Knob End."
"It appears quite cosy Wayne, on first impressions," she remarked. "How many rooms do you have?"
"Suffice for my needs." I smiled and lead her in.
"Where is Woofter? I supposed he might have been here to greet his late Mistress," she bristled.
"He is at work in the schoolroom at Cobbler's Bottom. Did Mother not keep you abreast of all our news?"
"Oh yes, perhaps she did mention something of the sort," she conceded.
I perceived she was underwhelmed by my tour of the house and we retired to the parlour for cucumber sandwiches.
"Who is that fellow out there?" She waggled her fan in the direction of Harden Thicke.
"He is helping to tame the wilderness out there into something more pleasing upon the eye." 
He observed us watching him and pointing to his breeches, shook his head and shrugged to indicate something was amiss. I  felt a sudden chill pass down my spine.
Mrs Norris moved towards the chaise longue and turned to take her seat at the same instant I noticed Harden's Dick slinking along underneath it.
"Mrs Norris," I blurted, in distraction, "observe my 'Norma Stitts!'
"A pair?" She gasped and tried to conceal her vexation.
She removed her bonnet and made to sit down.
I almost squealed as I noticed the ferret moving along the same seat towards her descending posterior. I closed my eyes and anticipated the scream but when none came opened them to find her seated comfortably with her bonnet placed upon the seat at her side.
There was no sign of Harden's pet.
I offered her a cucumber sandwich and that is when I noticed her bonnet inch a little further along the seat.
I was wondering when this ordeal would end when Mrs Norris spoke.
" I fear the sky is threatening rain again, I think I should be off my dear, I should hate for this bonnet to be ruined. I spent all of three shillings upon it." 
She reached out and lifted it onto her head as I held my breath again. Harden's pet scurried off behind a cushion as she rose from the seat.
I followed her to the door and out to her waiting barouche. I helped her up the steps and once seated she looked down upon me and smiled.
"Thank you for your hospitality, dear. I insist you call upon me at Far Corfe when you return from your travels. Good day."
As the barouche departed I began to wave and then my eye was drawn to a slight movement upon her bonnet and there upon the brim sat the very rodent that I have hunted all this miserable week.
My waving suddenly became more effusive and jollier and I fairly skipped back into Knob End.

Wednesday 20th July 1811

Dear Diary,
I have requisitioned Fanny's pussy, Tuppence in the search for our tiny intruder. No sight has been seen of the beast since Harden got his Dick out in my bed chamber but I sense it is still there...watching us. My nerves are in tatters and I jump at the slightest noise.
I doubt Fanny's pussy will have any inherent hunting prowess for she spends her life in Fanny's lap being stroked and combed but I hope that her feline presence may induce our rodent to find more amenable accommodation elsewhere.
It is most unfortunate that I have been forced to visit the Grange to fetch her for now we have to endure another unwelcome visitor tomorrow. I had the misfortune of encountering Mrs Norris in the hallway.
"Wayne, dear," she cooed, " I have decided to call upon you tomorrow for luncheon and you can acquaint me with your...er..with your..." 
"Knob End?" I offered.
"Yes, dear, your Knob End before I return to my...er....to...erm..."
"Far Corfe!" I snapped.

Tuesday 19th July 1811

Dear Diary,

We have a rodent!

I cannot believe the nerve of the brazen beast!

I awoke this morning, slowly opening my eyes, my head still resting upon my pillow and there it was, not four inches from my nose sat upon its hind legs and nibbling upon some morsel of food.

I let out such a shout and leaped from my bed in horror and when I looked back, the beast was nowhere to be seen.

When Harden arrived I informed him of my predicament and leading him into my chamber urged him immediately to take out his Dick. He acquiesced and we retired downstairs leaving his ferret shut in my bedchamber to sniff out my unwelcome guest.

Harden suggested that all the recent disturbance in the garden had obviously sent the beast running indoors in search of food and shelter. 

I fervently hope that Harden's pet finds the creature. I cannot bear to think of it nibbling at my Knob End for the duration of my visit to Queensland with Willow.

I shall perhaps ask my sister Fanny if I might make use of her pussy until the weekend.

Monday 18th July 1811

Dear Diary,

We have received an invitation.

We are to visit with Willow's kith and kin!

It seems they were given free passage to Queensland some years ago at His Majesty's Pleasure. 

'Queensland'...How splendid and grand it sounds. 

I fancy I shall like it there.

Sunday 17th July 1811

Dear Diary,
It was our first visit to Church for some weeks. We walked through the rain to hear the Parson read the story of Noah. It being, perhaps, one of the more interesting biblical tales he still managed to infuse it with a dullness only the clergy appear able to do. I confess I did doze off shortly and was aroused again by hearing the Parson speaking my name. I was mortified that my lack of interest had been noted but was relieved to discover he was saying 'wain' rather than 'Wayne'.
"Congwatulations, Wayne," said the 'Wevewand Wussell Spwout'  as he shook my hand as we left. I surmised he was referring to my 'Norma Snose'.
 I nodded modestly and we went to  speak to the ladies of Cobbler's End, Miss Mona Lott and Miss Constance Noring.
It transpired that Miss Noring  now also possessed a 'Norma Snose' due to her neatly trimmed box. We were congratulating her heartily when she suddenly opened her raincoat and revealed a pair of 'Norma Stitts'. 
Willow and I were both taken aback.
"And in what class, pray, did you win these?" I gasped.
" They are not mine, dear Wayne," she chuckled, "They are yours! One for your floral arrangement and one for your generously filled cream pie!"
I swear I did not notice the rain as we returned home.

Saturday 16th July 1811

Dear Diary,
Such a disappointment greeted me as I tossed aside the curtains this morning. To say the weather was inclement would be a gross understatement. There cannot have been more than a drop of rain yesterday but I suspect Swithin's curse is upon us for the next forty days. 
Normally one would remain indoors on such a day as this but on this day I was seeking glory and nought was to keep me from that. 
I have boots and therefore no fear of a little mud.
Harden Thicke arrived to convey my, surely, prize winning entries up to the fete whilst Willow and I enjoyed a morning of harmonious fingering and blowing.
We ventured forth after midday and rode into Cobbler's Bottom.
The weather had certainly not deterred the good folk of the village and all was a-bustle as we trudged around the sodden field. 
Willow left me to meander as he had been called upon to entertain with his oboe.
I encountered Ned casting straw upon the sodden ground in an effort to make the pathways less bemired.
"Good day, Mr Austen," he smiled, " You're trying for a 'Norma' are you?"
By some coincidence many of the prizes given at the annual village fete are named after two late ladies of some consequence around these parts who both possessed the same Christian name...'Norma'.
"Indeed I am, Ned." I replied. "What brings you here on this miserable day?"
"I'm here to show my cock," he answered.
It was just then that I espied Mother and Mrs Norris standing close by the ale tent and wishing Ned good fortune wandered over to pay my respects.
Whilst we were conversing and lamenting the weather a group of Willow's pupils, led by the uncouth Willie Stroker attempted to find shelter beneath Mrs Norris' expansive bosom. I chased them off sharply and then we heard the bell ring to inform us that judging was over and the winners were to be announced.
I left the ladies and hurried off with bated breath. I noticed Harden Thicke standing in the ale tent amongst a group of young men. From the twitches in their breeches they too all possessed lively beasts within.
Oh Joy! I was one of the first names called and presented with the 'Norma Snose' trophy for my 'Duo of fruit and vegetables' which the judges described as 'magnificently presented.'
I hurried away from the prize giving to find Willow and share with him the good news.
Later we discovered Ned's cock won best in show and just as we were leaving to return to the warmth of Knob End, we once more encountered Mother and Mrs Norris. Mrs Norris was proudly carrying a trophy of her own which she had won for her embroidery.
"Mrs Norris!" I exclaimed, "you have a Norma Snose!"
"No, Wayne dear," she beamed, " I have a Norma Stitts!"

Friday 15th July 1811

Dear Dairy,
It is Cobbler's Bottom Village Fete tomorrow.
Mrs Crutchlow has been here for much of the afternoon baking buns and cakes and pies that I shall enter into the various produce classes. I hope to win a trophy or two for display upon my chimney-piece.
I myself rode to Netherton and chose two of the most perfect potatoes and a beautiful cucumber for the 'Duo of Fruit and Vegetables' Class from the town's most reputable grocers, Sparks and Menser, or 'S and M' as we locals like to refer to it.
This evening Titty Reckson arrived to create my simple yet dramatic floral display of teasles and pansies. 
I am surely to return with some recognition of my efforts.

Thursday 14th July 1811

Dear Diary,
Llewellyn Dowd called at Knob End this morning. I had forgotten to provide him with the list of comestibles he had asked for to ascertain the cause of Willow's alarming engorgement. I invited him in for tea and he stood, cup in hand, at the parlour window watching Harden Thicke tugging at the sticky willy.
"There's lovely" he mused. "What a fine fellow, Mr Austen."
"Indeed, Dr Dowd, he is certainly making short shrift of my unwanted flora and you would never guess what surprising beast he keeps down those tightly fitting breeches."
Dr Dowd suddenly spluttered and began to cough most alarmingly. I took his cup quickly for fear he would spill upon my new woollen rug and placed it safely upon the table before patting his back helpfully.
He soon recovered his composure but was still quite red in the face.
"Thank goodness," I smiled, "I was just contemplating sending Harden for the Doctor."
I chuckled at my own quip but Llewellyn Dowd, still ruddy, reached for his bag and left, thanking me for the tea.
I returned to the chaise longue and buried myself in 'Fatherless Fanny'.

Wednesday 13th July 1811

Dear Diary,
Willow is much improved and is once more back at his desk in the school room at Cobbler's Bottom. Most of his body has swelled up to twice its normal size over the past few days but strangely not all at once. Each appendage appears to have formed an orderly queue, each eager for distension in its turn. Some of these enlargements have been quite alarming, whilst others intriguing and worthy of closer inspection.
Harden Thicke has once again been industrious, clearing the garden of weeds and other unwelcome flora.
Mrs Crutchlow arrived with lunch just after midday and I called Harden in for some refection. Mrs Crutchlow was most taken with Harden's Dick and said that her late husband also used to keep one down his breeches.
A short while later Ned called with a sketch of his proposed erection. 
"Do come in Ned." I invited, "Mrs Crutchlow and I were just stroking Harden's Dick in the dining room."
Ned looked somewhat taken aback.
"Did you know he shelters the beast down his trousers?" I continued. "Come, see and have a stroke yourself."
Ned paled and shook his head.
"I'll just leave this here for you Mr Austen. I've a bullock that needs some attention." He left in haste.
I returned to the dining room.
"I believe our Ned has a morbid fear of ferrets, Mrs Crutchlow." 
Mrs Crutchlow sadly shook her head and we both returned to cooing over Harden's Dick.

Tuesday 12th July 1811

Dear Diary,

I have pressed Fanny into service at the school room today. I could not bear to be confined again, with Willie Stroker and his farmyard friends. Despite my vigorous ablutions I swear I can still detect the faint aroma of 'goat' in the air. 

I have been forced to lie upon the chaise with the sun streaming on me through the parlour window and watch Harden Thicke at work in the undergrowth outside. 

He noticed me observing him at one point and waved and pointed to his Dick poking out of his breeches.

The very picture of a man content with his lot.

Monday 11th July 1811

Dear Diary,
Oh woe!
Nay, do not fret. Willow is still abed but I am happy to report seems much improved.
My woe is down to the fact that Willow was unable to attend school today and someone needed to be found as a temporary substitute which unfortunately, it transpired, turned out to be me.
I have had such an irksome day and feel I would rather face the rigours and invasions of the nettles and sticky willy of my garden than the unwashed youth of Cobbler's Bottom. What made it even more beastly was that Willow had the opportunity to see Harden Thicke stripped to his waist and wielding his chopper on his first day of work at Knob End before I did.
The school room at Cobbler's Bottom is not spacious and I have concluded needs better ventilation!
The day began dreadfully when as I was scribing my name upon the blackboard the piece of chalk produced the most ear shattering squeal that caused me to immediately drop it and I was reduced to a quivering wreck and dare not go near it again.
Willow had suggested some spelling and after witnessing their most appalling attempts I finally conceded after I asked them to spell 'country.' I could not believe my eyes!
I resolved to share my experience of balls, as I have attended many and for some time at least they appeared to heed my words and I began to sense I was making some small difference to their uncultivated lives.
However, after lunch one vulgar rascal, who produced a continuous green excretion upon his upper lip and named Willie Stroker, placed what I can only describe as a large, pink, glutinous mass upon my desk with the words;
" 'Ere y'are then, if ya like balls."
It turned out to be a bull's testicle!
I have had better days.

Sunday 10th July 1811

Dear Diary,
How dreadful was the night!
Poor Willow was up for much of it clawing and rubbing at his prickling skin. We scarcely got any slumber to speak of.
This morning I was anointing Willow with the ointment left by Llewellyn Dowd when Ned's head popped up at the parlour window. What a sight we must have made with Willow, breeches at half mast and I carefully tending his swollen groin.
"Remember to keep off them nuts, Mr Austen" he chirped.
He had come to speak to me about his erection. I have commissioned one for the gardens here at Knob End. I spent many a happy hour sat upon his erection at Thrushcock Grange and I do so miss it.
Of course we were once again unable to attend church due to Willow's ailment but shortly after lunch there came a tap upon the door and I opened it to reveal the 'Weverwand Wussel Spwout' standing upon our threshold.
"Oh, Mr Austen I have heard the dweadful news fwom your sister Fanny! I wan all the way here to offer my pwayers for a speedy wecovewy. Do give him my sincewest wegards."
" I shall," I smiled. "But won't you come in and speak to him yourself Wev....Reverand?"
"I shall not intwude, Mr Austen. He should get plenty of west. No, I am in a tewwible huwwy. I am having lunch with Miss Whea Gwetabull at the Wectowy at thwee. We are having woast wabbit and a tweacle pudding."
He bade me a 'good day' and rushed off and I returned inside in search of sustenance.
I was feeling 'wavenous!'

Saturday 9th July 1811

Dear Diary,
Such a splendid evenings entertainment we beheld yester eve in the magnificent cathedral of Durham. The sheer quality of the horn blowing therein almost moved me to tears. As someone who appreciates a large instrument I was fortunately seated close by Father Smith's enormous organ and was able to admire its intricacies during a lull in the programme. Much of the high society of that fair city had turned out for the event and most were appreciative of such an opportunity though some I noted, of lesser sophistication perhaps, left during the interval dissatisfied with their position in the nave. 
Our day today was most relaxing and sedate. Willow has been busy fingering his pink oboe trying to memorize the melody to the ditty 'My Lagan Love' that we enjoyed last night. After supper he complained of some discomfort and began in earnest to alleviate an itch. Some time later he called upon me and revealed several large ruddy patches upon his skin and even more alarmingly parts of his anatomy were beginning to swell.
I hurried to Clamp's Farm and asked Ned to make haste into Cobbler's Bottom and fetch the doctor.
It cannot have been more than an hour until the Doctors arrival but it seemed to me an eternity. When the rap upon the door finally came I rushed to open it.
The Doctor stepped in and introduced himself;
"I am Llewellyn Dowd. How can I be of assistance Mr Austen?"
I showed him up to Willow's chamber. After a thorough examination Doctor Dowd concluded it to be an aversion to something Willow has ingested and suggested it is most likely to be nuts.
I told him how Willow is fond of nuts and has always handled them well in my presence.
I have to make a list of all the ingredients we have consumed this past week for the Doctor to peruse. He returned to Cobbler's Bottom but gave me an ointment to apply at regular intervals to Willow's skin, on his departure.
Ned shook his head sadly;
" Imagine a man being denied his nuts," he said, "it ain't natural. Can't keep my hands off mine."

Friday 8th July 1811

Dear Diary,
I am plagued with flies and I blame Harry Balls!
I am certain that a large number of his aerial entourage have, following his regular meanderings to Knob End, taken it upon themselves to retrace the route to my door. I dare not go outside for their constant buzzing about my ears is most vexing.
If God indeed created the World and all therein, what was He thinking when He created a fly? If the task had been left to me I would have created something much more agreeable and presentable, with colour like a buuterfly and with similar grace. If there had to be an accompanying noise then a tiny choral soprano voice with the ability to harmonise with others would be much more pleasant.
We are to Durham tonight for entertainment in its great Cathedral. There shall be song and music and a large number of gentlemen blowing horns.
I cannot think of a better way to spend an evening on a Friday!

Thursday 7th July 1811

Dear Diary,
I was daydreaming in the garden and picturing in my mind's eye the transformation of the present wilderness into something wonderful that perhaps even Mr Capability Brown might have drawn breath at, had he not been the compost, that he now most certainly is, when I noticed a pale green tendril clinging to my breeches. I almost squealed as I imagined it to be a nettle seeking revenge for the brethren I had threshed with my scythe but a few days earlier but it seems I was wrong. I heard a small polite cough and then someone said;
"I see yer havin' trouble with yer Sticky Willy."
I looked up to behold a fine, strapping youth smiling back at me, his dark, tousled curls played upon his forehead in the gentle breeze.
I stood with my arms slightly raised above my waist to avoid them touching the invading tendril below and asked;
"Could I trouble you sir, to remove this 'thing' from my breeches." He came forward and bent to do my bidding and a waft of coal tar soap danced about my nostrils.This was a fine fellow indeed.

I invited him into the parlour and took down his credentials and was most pleased with what I discovered. He was indeed everything I was searching for. However, it transpired he had further surprises up his sleeve, or be that, his trouser leg for suddenly I noticed a stirring in his breeches. I endeavoured not to stare but it was an intriguing distraction and then suddenly out popped a head above his waistband.
A flush came over his face and he clasped his hands quickly to his lap.

"Oh, I beg pardon. That weren't supposed to 'appen. Its just my Dick. I fort he was asleep."

"You keep a ferret down your trousers?"
I tried to keep an open mind. 

"Not all't time, just when I have ter keep an eye on 'im. D'ya mind ferrets, Mr Austen?"

I shook my head somewhat unconvincingly.

"D'ya wanna tickle him? He shan't bite." he offered.

I declined more convincingly.

The uncomfortable silence that followed was thankfully interrupted by a rap at the door.

I excused myself for a moment and went to attend the caller.

It was Harry Balls.

"'Av' just seen yer sign in't....."

"I'm sorry Mr Balls," I interjected " the post has just been filled."

Harry Balls looked past me into the hallway and I turned to see our new 'help' standing a few paces behind holding his Dick.

"Yes, I have just offered the post here to Mr......er....Mr...."

"Thicke." The young fellow came to my rescue.
"Harden Thicke."

Wednesday 6th July 1811

Dear Diary,
I am in a worrying state of perturbation. There have been no more enquiries as to the opening here at Knob End.
Harry Balls was here again this morn. I swear I knew it was him even before I opened the door. I could hear the buzzing. I am convinced all is not right with that man, his lack of hygiene aside, but what if he is the only applicant? My arm aches at thought of being forced to handle that scythe once more and those nettle stings have been such a dreadful irritation.
I put my fears aside for a few hours and rode astride Python to Netherton for lunch with the Misses Foster and Dixon. 
Yes! She is back from the Americas. 
It seems that her introduction to Willy Dicker proved fruitless but shortly afterwards she was introduced to a Jeremiah Mason, a maker of twine and they resolved together to make a length of twine that would stretch across the length of Pennsylvania. 
It is now common knowledge that events conspired against the adventurous couple and one dark night whilst lost amongst the forested slopes of the Pocono Mountains Jeremiah met an untimely end, decapitated by a savage and somewhat confused beaver. Miss Dixon fought it off bravely and survived to tell the tale and 'The Mason-Dixon Twine' has now passed into history. Miss Dixon returned triumphant to her homeland and is now quite a celebrity in these parts.
We had a splendid afternoon and I returned home in a much better frame of mind and enjoyed an evenings entertainment from Willow's pink oboe.

Tuesday 5th July 1811

Dear Diary,
Scarcely had the advertisement been nailed upon the notice board in Cobbler's Bottom than there duly came a sharp rap upon the door here at Knob End. I opened the door to find a stout fellow with cap in hand upon the threshold. He nodded politely and introduced himself as 'Harry Balls." I would have invited the fellow in had it not been for the cloud of flies that hovered about his head. I must confess I was quick to form an opinion of him and my mind was quite made up as to his unsuitability before he even brandished his chopper for me. I thanked him for his interest and asked where I could contact him in due course as to my decision.
He said "Most likely up the 'The Randy Ram." 
I cannot say I was surprised. 
"Oh, Mr Austen" he called as he walked away, " I mek a tasty cheese." He winked and waved his cap.
And thus, with inevitable consequence, he sealed his own fate.
Sometime in the afternoon I settled down to enjoy a cream pie when again there was a sharp rap upon the door. I quickly took in a large mouthful of the pie and masticated rapidly across the hallway to the door.
I opened it to find the same stout fellow from this morning standing before me, cap in hand, but with perhaps a slightly greater number of airborne companions.
"'Av just seen yer sign int' village that you'll be needin' some 'elp ere and 'av come ter offer me services."
"It is Mr Balls isn't it?" I asked cautiously.
He was taken aback. 
"Aye!" he said. "Ma reputation mus' proceed me." he chuckled.
'No' I thought 'but your stench perhaps.' "And are you the same Mr Balls who produces cheese?"
"By heck, Mr Austen, you're good you are." 
"As I said just this very morning Mr Balls I will contact you in due course as to my decision. I believe I shall find you making merry in The Randy Ram."
He looked slightly puzzled and then smiled.
"Right yer are then. I'll just pop off then." He turned away and then turned back.
" Excuse me Mr Austen, but you've got a bit o'somethin' on yer nose."
It was a dollop of cream from the pie.
I was quite mortified.

Monday 4th July 1811

Dear Diary,
It is the anniversary of the Declaration of Independence in the New World. One assumes there will be some jollity over there this day and I can fully understand their joy for I am happy in my own 'Independence' here at Knob End. It is indeed a haven of solitude and serenity when I am here alone and this morning, after breakfast and after Willow had departed for the school at Cobbler's Bottom, I roused myself from comfort's cosy embrace and went out into 'the garden' armed with a scythe. There is much clearing still to be done and I was determined to make my own mark amongst the wild and thorny tussocks. 
I must confess I retired indoors fairly soon afterwards, with an aching arm, some very nasty nettle stings and the threat of a perspiration upon my brow. I dare not be found perspiring! Heaven knows who might call upon me and I must be in a fit state to greet them. Pity, I would have liked to have shown Willow upon his return that my day had not been idle, as it was I was fairly ruined for a number hours after my exertions and found refuge in 'Fatherless Fanny'...a novel by Clara Reeve.
My day was not completely wasted. I resolved to hire some help for Willow in the garden, kitchen and around the house and so concocted a pithy little advertisement for Willow to display upon the notice board in Cobbler's Bottom.
It read;
'Wanted. 
Strapping Lad for Outdoor and Indoor Exertions.
Must know how to handle a chopper and have experience of;
humping, nailing, screwing, thrashing, ploughing, sowing seed,
kneading, filling and washing.
3d a day.
Apply Knob End, near Cobbler's Bottom.'

Sunday 3rd July 1811

Dear Diary,
Such a glorious day it has been today with the sun shining down upon my dear Knob End.
We excused ourselves from attending Church as Willow has been a little unwell of late and I feared that his sudden barking cough and involuntary expectoration may not be conducive to quiet contemplation in the house of the Lord. We spent some time reviewing and titivating our plans for the garden and then I left him to continue writing his school reports. Yes, Willow is now the school master in Cobblers Bottom. He is in substitution of my sister Jane whilst she is travelling on the Continent. 
I wandered up to the Grange and engaged in merry intercourse for some time with Mrs Crutchlow, my parent's housekeeper and Titty Reckson, their parlour maid. Some might say that I am too familiar with the common folk but I am a free spirit and I do as I please and I spurn such snobbery as I would spurn a rabid badger! 
On my return I encountered Ned playing with Annie Reckson, his daughter, by the gate to Clamp's Farm.
"Hello Ned. How are you settling into your new endeavours?" I enquired.
Since the tragic demise of Titty's father, Farmer Clamp, crushed by the combined weight of his own bullocks, Ned has forsaken his employment at the Grange and taken on the task of managing the farm for Titty and her mother.
"Champion, Mr Austen," he replied, "just champion."
"And how many acres do you have again, Ned?" I asked at the very instant that little Annie thwacked her father firmly in the crotch with her hand carved wooden dolly.
Ned gasped sharply and then, bent double with scarce enough breath left to speak, wheezed;
"Just the two that concern me at the moment, Mr Austen."

Saturday 2nd July 1811

Dear Diary,
Oh happy day!
I have so missed our intimate correspondences and so today, on a whim, whilst in Cobbler's Bottom I called into William Henry Smith's new book emporium next to 'Old Ma' Sainsbury's Grocery shop and bought  new leather bound diary and lo, here we are together once more.
I cannot tell you the delight I feel at the sight of all your crisp, virgin, ivory pages. I would sniff you and lovingly caress you to my cheek like a doe rabbit might unto it's long lost kitten, but as Mr Smith said you were bound in goat skin I fear my delicate olfactory system would scarce cope with the aroma. I have observed goats merrily rolling in their own feculence and although your binding appears unstained, I shall remain cautious at this time.
I shall endeavour to write as often as I may but I cannot always promise to tickle you nightly with my quill.
There have been some changes since out last discourse. I no longer reside with my parents at Thrushcock Grange but have relocated to a beautiful and spacious new lodge that father has had built in a secluded spot in the grounds of the Grange.
Here I dwell happily with Willow, yes for it is he, and we live together in the home we call 'Knob End'.