Dear Diary,
It has been sometime since I have been awakened, rudely, by a cock. I sat erect and, for a brief moment, wondered where I was. The cock intruded once again upon my thoughts and then it came to me. It was an Effin cock. My Effin bed was so uncomfortable and I am weary due to lack of sleep and from having to maintain the lie about Evelyn's demise. I was glad when the time came to return home and tired of tedious familial intercourse sat up with the coachman and watched the countryside roll past.
As we rolled up the lane to the Grange, Ned and Mrs Crutchlow, came out upon the steps to greet us.
" The bags if you please Ned, " said Father, as he helped my sisters down, " and have Titty bring me some tea in the Library, Mrs Crutchlow."
" I'm sorry, Sir, " she replied, "Titty's not here."
"Not here?" Asked Mother, "Not ill again!"
"No, Madam," answered Mrs Crutchlow, "she has been called away urgently to attend an ailing aunt."
Ned gave me a sly wink. I flashed a look of alarm at him and bristled with annoyance as I glanced about to see if it had been observed by another. Happily it had not.
I was cosy in my own bedchamber this evening, grateful for the softness of my own mattress, when there was a quiet knock upon my door.
"Enter," I called out, and Ned popped his head in.
"Sorry, I 'wanked' at you earlier," he said.
"It's 'winked', " I sighed, "and you must be more careful or we shall be found out."
He looked puzzled and left shaking his head, muttering;
"Sink, sank, wink........winked!?"
Heaven help his offspring, whatever it may be.
Kristin Chenowith - Home
14 years ago
7 comments:
I can see it now: Ned was supposed to send Titty to a home for unWED mothers, but it will turn out that--Ned being Ned--he's shipped her off to Transylvania!
h
for it is i Mr Mcvay from london town...i wished to pass on my greetings to you Mr Wayne, and do hope your cock causes you no more trouble in the coming weeks..give titty a big one from myself...one of the cakes i left behind on my recent tour.
x
Dear Wayne,
Alas, one must rise of a morning and personally I say the intrusion of a cock would be a most suitable method of arousal.
So far the 'plan' is off to a wonderful start. You have separated Ned and Titty and he is now 'winking/wanking' in your direction. Seems a fine plan to me. I fine Ned's malaproisms quite endearing as they provide the mind with some most delicious possibilities.
Pensively yours,
B.
My dear, mysterious Mr 'h',
You may be able to detect medical symptoms but as for seeing into the future, I fear, like Transylvania, you are way off track.
Yours geographically,
Wayne Austen
My dear Mr McVay,
I thank you for your greetings and your concern about the Effin cock. I am very rarely troubled by them and I know that you are even less likely to encounter one...titter. I fear you are mistaken in thinking you left behind a cake, for Mrs Crutchlow assures me you devoured all available confectionary, besides Titty has one bun too many in her oven already...titter, titter.
Yours cornily,
Wayne Austen
Ps I feel I might attend you in London next month.
My dear Mr Moose,
I pray you be aroused by a cock regularly.
Yours generously,
Wayne Austen
Dear Wayne,
Thank you for those good wishes but as the saying goes, 'if wishes were horses', I would already have a ride.
Gratefully yours,
B.
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