Dear Diary,I have been skulking and deceiving but all for the good of others. Yesterday I went about the business of the day as normal but after dinner in the evening, I slipped out into the dusk and retrieved the bag of Chapel silver from the bushes where Woody presented it to me. I was creeping around the back of the Grange when I bumped into Fanny."What is afoot?" She demanded."Don't ask," I replied, "for I cannot tell. Just know that all I do is for good.""Be careful," she whispered after me as I set off down the lane. As I approached the Chapel I noticed a glow from within. I slipped in and noticed the candles upon the altar aflame. I ducked behind a pew as the Parson emerged from the vestry and busied himself behind his pulpit. After a few moments he returned to the vestry and I crept from hiding and moved towards the front of the Chapel. However the Parson rememerged and I had to crouch behind a pillar. The Parson extinguished the candles and moved down the aisle and went out into the night, closing the door behind him. I was alone in the dark and the silence. If there had been no moon I would have bruised my legs more than I did as made my way to the altar. I replaced the silver in it's rightful places and, feeling pleased with the relative ease of my clandestine actions, returned to door. I have no doubt that any other person would have skipped off home happily full of delight at the righting of a wrong, but I am Wayne Austen and the magpies despise me and nought in my life is so simple.I grasped the knob, turned it and pulled, but nothing happened. I repeated my actions far too many times for a normally sane person before I accepted that it was indeed locked and that I was entombed in that Holy place for the night. It is never locked but then it had never been robbed afore. I searched for other exits but finding none sank onto a pew. For all the dark and the silence, I felt strangely at ease and resigned myself to my fate.I did not sleep well but must have for some little time as I was awakened this morn by the door swinging open and the sound of purposeful footsteps upon the stone floor. Mrs Bunder swept past carrying a bundle of greenery and flowers for decoration. She did not see me and I was able to slip out unnoticed and return to the Grange. I decided upon a plausible story to explain my absence but unfortunately found it had been explained by another. It seems Fanny took it upon herself to invent a secret rendezvous with Miss Quirrel, the school teacher in Cobbler's Bottom.If Ned winks at me one more time I fear I may have need of his chopper!
Dear Diary,A day of unwanted presentations. A neatly wrapped package addressed to Mr W Austen Esq was waiting for me upon the breakfast table when I went down. I wish now I had chosen to enjoy the fat sausage that Ned laid before me afore I opened the package, but no, my curiosity as to the contents overwhelmed my need for sustenance. I ripped off the wrapping to find a small wooden box, about the size of a shoe, with a tightly fitting lid. With little hesitation I prised off the lid and peered inside and was horrified at what I found. I gasped loudly in shock and the box slipped from my fingers, fell to the table and out tumbled the dead rat within. Fanny screamed loudly and leapt from her seat. She had been gently stroking her pussy and it's hairs were now on end as Fanny gripped it tightly in horror. Mother slumped into her porridge and had to be lifted out by Titty. Father came bursting in followed by Jane, wearing a pillowcase on her head, as a makeshift wimple. We all stood and stared at the unfortunate creature as it lay between the toast and honey. Suddenly, Father's Todger sprang up onto the table, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. He snapped up my sausage in one gulp then seized the rat in his mouth and bounded out of the parlour. There was a small card in the box which was inscribed " A rat for a rat."Later, I was in the garden, sat upon Ned's erection, contemplating the mornings events when I heard a hissing sound from across the garden and noticed a hand beckoning me from out of a bush. I wandered over to find a breathless Woody;"'Ere I gotta give ya dis" and he indicated his bulging sack. He opened it and something glistened in the sunlight. It was the silver from the Chapel. I gasped for a second time." Da littl' un did it," he sighed."Diddy?" I asked."Yeh, he did, but don' worry he knows he shouldna and we kicked his ass fer it!"" I am sure he is repentent," I replied "but I fail to see why you should take it out on his donkey."Woody, just looked at me for a moment in puzzlement then said:" Right, we're off. We ain't hangin round ere to be 'ung up by da nuts!" He smiled his crooked smile. "Ah'll be seeing ya Wayne," and he held out a stained hand. I gasped it firmly and shook it heartily and then he disappeared into the shrubbery.Thus on a day when valubles that were lost were found, I lost something I valued. I only hope not forever. And somewhere out there is someone who does not hold me in the esteem to which I am accustomed or is confusing me with another. I have wronged no one have I?Oh, and it was my birthday.
Dear Diary,An unfortunate day made worse by miserable weather. It appears that sometime in the night the Chapel was divested of it's silver or 'wobbed!' as Mr Sprout described it. There was widespread shock in the congregation and much whispering about who could have carried out the deed and most seemed to be of one mind. I hope the accusations are untrue. Back at the Grange dinner was even more muted when after having waited for Jane to appear for some ten minutes Titty entered with the news that; "Miss Austen regrets she will not be dining with the family tonight." It seems that she received some unwelcome news today. By all accounts there is a far more accomplished novel writer who also goes by the name of Jane Austen in Hampshire. I sense she is quite upset having heard a number of objects being flung about her room earlier in the day. She is now determined to become a Nun and is talking of entering Ballbanger Abbey. I fear that if she does, indeed, enter cloisters she will have to be careful of her diction after some of the vocabulary I have heard her utter today.
Dear Diary,Today has been most productive. Whilst strolling in the garden I encountered Ned, sat upon the bench outside his shed, contemplating the ground in front of him and swinging a small yet weighty sack between his open legs. I enquired as to what his intentions were and he offered up the dangling sack for my perusal. "Can you guess?" he teased.Through it's wrinkled covering I could feel small, hard yet generally egg shaped objects rolling around between my hesitant fingers."Do you fancy some Pentland Javelin?" he winked. Indeed I did! I removed my frock coat and rolled up my sleeves.I began to dig some of the furrows with him but then needed to return indoors for an important task which I cannot recall at this particular moment. When I returned he was stripped to the waist and leaning on his shovel and all the furrows were dug. How magnificent is the male form when glistening in the sunlight. It was most distracting but we had to get on. He lined the furrows with compost, which did nothing for my olfactory organs, whilst I delicately placed the seed potatoes at regular intervals along them; the furrows, not my olfactory organs. Finally we covered them over and stood to admire our handywork. Why people talk of 'greenfingers' is beyond me? 'Brownfingers' is a far more accurate term!
Dear Diary,He may know how to handle a chopper but I was able to demonstrate my skill upon the Parson's organ to my friend Woody today. He accompanied me to the Chapel and pumped heartily whilst I deftly transformed the wind he produced into glorious music. He has a crooked and lovely smile, even when dripping in perspiration.
Dear Diary,How strangely coincidental that upon St George's day we should hear news from a dragon! A missive arrived this morn from Mrs Norris. It bore the news that Miss Honey Pott has been injured in a riding accident.It seems whilst out riding, her horse was startled, deliberately, by an unknown attacker and she was thrown to the ground. I fail to see why Miss Pott could engender such bad feeling towards herself and am sure that all was not as dramatic as portrayed in the note.I waited to be called upon by Woody but when he had not arrived by late afternoon, went out for my constitution. I had not been wandering the woodland paths for long when I was startled, as he leapt out from behind a tree wielding his chopper. He said he had been too busy to call but I sensed some reluctance to come to the Grange in person. He wanted to discuss our strange encounter on Saturday. I believe it has formed a bond between us so much so he allowed me to handle his chopper. I had to grasp it with both hands and was amazed at how weighty it was. He showed me how he swings it and I made an attempt as well but I am nowhere near as adept at handling it as he. Clearly he must use it everyday.Back at the Grange I sought out Ned and said I had need of his chopper. He blanched for a moment and stuttered as if he misunderstood, but when I mimed the movements with my hand he smiled in relief and even showed me his skill with wood.
Dear Diary,I was wandering the woods and pondering the abysmal floral gift of yesterday and what it might mean when I encountered the twins, Canny and Cuddy Dicker returning from Cobbler's Bottom bearing necessities. I was somewhat coy as I had only encountered them, previously, when they were not quite so clothed."Our brother would like a word wid you," said Cuddy."Woody?" I enquired."Yes, he would," said Canny."He went wood collectin' wid the littl' un," continued Cuddy."Diddy?" I asked."Yes, he did," said Canny."But, we can't stop ter chat wid ya, cus Pa will be wantin' is tea," went on Cuddy."Willy?" I said, now amused."Yes, he will," said Canny."Who will speak to him?" I asked."He will, " said Canny."Cuddy?" I bit my lip in anticipation." Yes, he could, " he replied." Tell him to come to the Grange. " I smiled."Can he?" asked Cuddy."No, Woody." I replied.
