Dear Diary,"I think my uncle thought we were a pair of 'homosapiens'," said a sleepy Ned as he rolled over to face me, lying wrapped in my blanket. "I'm not no queer, Mr Austen," he went on. "Oh, I know, and I think it would be fitting for you to call me Wayne under the circumstances, " I replied."Oh no! I couldn't do that. It ain't right," he said. "You coming for a swim?" He stood up and stripped down to his undergarments and ducked out of the tent. I stuck my head out to watch his amusing, limping run towards the lake. He clambered up a large boulder on the shore, whipped off his drawers and with a hoot leapt into the water. "Come on! " he cried, "the water's.....f..f..f..freezing!" I just crawled back under my blanket. Later when he was off up the mountain, worrying sheep, I did venture into the water myself, very gradually, and his estimation of it's temperature was quite correct. In the afternoon I acquired more wood and tried my hand at pole whittling, as I had seen Ned do.As the dusk began to fall and reminding me it was our last evening, he enticed me back into the icy water for a moonlit dip. I wished I had been brave enough to go naked as he did, for when I leapt off the boulder into the water, my underwear rode up and wrapped itself around my spleen...or so it seemed.
Dear Diary,I was awakened in the night by a terrible rasping scream close by. I shook Ned awake and he listened and when it came again, he just laughed and said it was a fox. "A fox?!" I gasped, "well, it is the fox from Hell! Do you think he smells our sausages?"I was still muttering anxiously away when I noticed that Ned was asleep again. I moved as close to him as I dared and curled up in my blanket. I awoke to the gentle pattering of rain upon the canvas, Ned was already up and pulling on his boots. I was quite content to lie there and listen to the rain whilst warm and cosy in my woolly cocoon. I heard Ned bustling about outside and after awhile he popped his head back in and handed me some hot tea and told me that there was a rabbit in one of the snares he had set."You could roast it for dinner," he grinned.I am not a fellow to shrink from tasks but it did take me the greater part of the day to prepare the beast. I am glad Ned was not there to see my preparation and the wincing and groaning and whimpering that it entailed but I did eventually get a stick pushed through it.He limped into camp late in the afternoon. "What have you done to your foot?" I asked."Never mind that," he said, "what have you done to the rabbit?!""I think it is cooking well," I replied, "It's just that it's fur keeps setting alight and I have to put it out.""You did gut it?" He sighed."Oops!" I smiled.He had been extricating a ewe trapped between some rocks when one of the rocks rolled over his foot."It feels badly swollen," he winced, will you help me get my boot off in the tent?"He gritted his teeth and held onto the pole and I tried to ease it off but it was no good it was stuck fast."Pull harder," he said. So I did.It took quite some effort and I was huffing and puffing loudly. When it started to slip off Ned cried out:"Yes!....Oh yes!.....oh Yes!...Yes!Oh yes!" The tent was shaking wildly as he held onto the pole. "It's coming!" I cried. It suddenly slipped off and with one loud "Yes!" from the both of us we collapsed on the bedding breathing heavily. We lay there smiling at each other recovering from our efforts when a voice outside the tent said,"What the f*** are you two lads doing in there!?"It was Ned's uncle.
Dear Diary, Dawn came in orange raiment, stained from below by a gelatinous band of pale green. "Bloody 'ell!," she said, "This frock is ruined! It's all that mould on them fallen branches that I had to clamber over on the way up." It was then that she saw my blinking face peering from the tent. "Hello," she said, "I'm Dawn, Ned's cousin and I've brought you some sausages for breakfast." I smiled and looked past her at the dark bulk of the mountain that paled slowly until it was the same colour as the smoke from Ned's breakfast fire. The cold air was sweet. The early sunlight cast long shadows and the rearing pines of the woodland below, where I had to go later to collect wood, looked dark and foreboding."Do you like a nice sausage?" Dawn asked with a grin... I could see her father in her. I nodded weakly and crawled out to face the day.After breakfast Ned went up in search of sheep and I went down with Dawn, holding tightly onto her father's ass. She left me in the woodland and I began to gather wood for the fire. It was most difficult to find branches that were dry and not covered with green slime or mould. I dare not touch those for fear of ruining my embroidered gloves. After some hours I had collected a goodly pile and strapped them as best I could onto the ass and we set off back. We had not gone far when a large badger blundered out of a bush and the ass let out a snort of surprise. It reared up and one of it's front hooves struck my forehead a glancing blow and then it took off, scattering the fuel I had collected. In the wilderness and loneliness of that place I felt safe to curse the silly ass with words that do not readily come to my lips.It took me some time to catch up with the stupid beast and then find more dry branches and strap them on. The fire was burning well when Ned returned later. He had already driven a number of sheep back down to the valley and was tired and hungry."What you done to your face?" He asked concerned. It was only then I remembered being struck by the ass and lifting my hand to my face felt the dry, encrusted wound. Ned dipped a rag in a pan of water, steaming by the fire, and gently wiped my forehead as I told him what had occurred.We passed a pleasant evening by the fire watching the flames dance, looking for shooting stars and Ned listening to me bemoaning my family. "You're lucky, Mr Austen," said Ned, after a lull in the conversation, "to have a family like yours. Never take them for granted." He sniffed heavily, wiped his nose upon his sleeve and then stood up and went to the tent. I winced at my thoughtlessness. How self-centered I can be. Ned's family; Mother, Father, older sister and younger brother had all died two years ago of the smallpox. I threw what was left of the tea in my mug into the flames and, as if I were a villain, the fire hissed at my shame.
Dear Diary,Ned rode away after breakfast. Mother and Father left for Far Corfe Hall a few hours later and we all stood on the steps to wave them off. I lingered a little while longer attempting to look morose and listless before suddenly and decisively, announcing my intention to visit Mr Griffiths in Manchesterford for a few days and trusting my sisters would enjoy having the Grange to themselves and sure they would be well catered for at the hands of Betty Tert, caught Ned up at an Inn, some ten miles away. Together we rode on to his uncle's farm nestling in the valley below the great mass of Strokesack Mountain. Greetings and introductions over with, Ned's uncle turned to me, with a wink, saying;"You know how to handle an ass?"I did not quite know how to reply to that question and had only just begun to stammer my reply when Ned led a donkey out of the barn, laden with provisions. Soon we set out up the mountain, at first through the woodland and then out above the tree line into the heathery moorland and the coursing, endless wind.Ned found a sheltered spot beside a small mountain lake and got the canvas tent up whilst I, helpfully, held the pole. He soon had a fire going with wood he'd brought with us and we sat down under the darkening sky and ate a simple meal of bread and ham. He is asleep now and I am writing this by the light of the fire. Tomorrow he shall go higher up and bring down any sheep he finds. I am to take the ass and fetch more wood from the woodland below. How quiet everything is up here and how bright the stars. I shall gaze upon them a while longer and then crawl into my bedding.
Dear Diary,Germany is, indeed, a long way to journey for a ball. Am I really so desperate for balls? I believe I am, and yet I have many things to ponder. Are German balls similar to our own balls? What is the etiquette for attending a German ball? My invitation said that I was welcome to bring a companion and at breakfast I broached the subject with Fanny. She did not seem too intrigued and I feared her ardour for balls was waning. When I asked if she had heard anything of the host, Herr Kuntz, she replied she had not, but that he sounded charming and I could see her interest was piqued after all. I shall not push her too hard as yet for there is still time to prepare. The ball is not until the 19th but arrangements will have to be made soon.Tomorrow Mother and Father leave to visit Mrs Norris at Far Corfe Hall for the week. Thrushcock Grange will be rather quiet as Mrs Crutchlow has leave to visit family and Ned has been asked by a sheep farming uncle to assist in the retrieval of his hillside flocks for shearing and so he too will be away for four days."Do you like camping, Mr Austen?" he asked as I encountered him bearing wood."I have never experienced it." I replied."You wanna go wild, Mr Austen?" He was teasing me now.I am a man who enjoys the small comforts of life but perhaps I need to broaden my experience. I was impulsive."If you are asking, Ned, then my answer is yes. Let us indeed go wild." He dropped the log on his foot in surprise but was hooting with laughter even though in pain."Where are we off to?" I enquired."Up Strokesack Mountain!" he winked.
Dear Diary,What a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours. It brought the rain and the showers, where there used to be sun. I spent much of the day upon the piano practising some Bach variations. Some time after lunch there was a knock upon the library door and Ned entered holding a letter. "I think someone is toying with you again, Mr Austen." He handed it to me and pointed at the senders name. I read aloud "Herr Kuntz." Ned sniggered, "Hairy..........""You may leave,Ned!" I interupted and he slipped out like a scolded dog.I have been invited to a ball in Germany by an acquaintance of Dr Cojones, Herr Kuntz. It seems he would very much like to meet me. It may have been dull outside but the day was turning out quite fine after all. It became even better when Willy Tert came home from school looking very much like a drowned rodent. How it suited him and I could not resist from flashing him one of his cheeky smiles.
Dear Diary,July is upon us already and as if it was aware it is synonymous with 'summer' it indeed turned up the heat. It has been some time since I have sweltered so. I called at Cobbler's End, upon the ladies therein, at their insistance, for a trim. I was mindful of what I said for I fear I always offend them in some way. I simply smiled and nodded, though not when Miss Lott was tending my locks, or simply said "Indeed!" in suitable breaks in the intercourse. However, as I was leaving and thanking them for their trichological attentions, I could not help but point out the rash around Miss Lott's delicate lips and hoped it would soon lose some of it's redness. She gasped, clasped her hands to her face and dashed indoors leaving me to close the door behind me. Such sensitive, yet kind ladies.I entered Cobbler's Bottom and as I suspected, upon such a sultry day, Sam was shirtless and bent over his anvil. I hailed him with all the gayness I could muster even though my mouth was quite dry and then watched as he ran his hands over my Python, his muscular arms glistening in the sunlight. Whilst he was bent over examining the hooves I became transfixed by a drop of sweat that slowly travelled down his spine. It moved, hesitantly at first, as if unsure of it's path and kept pausing as if to scan the way ahead but gradually it gained speed and moved more purposefully and before long fairly raced across his skin and disappeared into the slight cleft that peeped atop his breeches. I quite startled Sam as I thrust my head into his butt and allowed the cold water to chill my fevered brow. There was an uncomfortable silence after he informed me that Python was in fine fettle but modesty prevented me from stepping out from behind his butt just at that moment and so I just stood there smiling and holding onto it until the moment was right.
