Dear Diary,Bullocks! I threw back the curtain and found the garden full of bullocks. Farmer Clamp and Titty were trying to gather them up but oh, the mess they left behind! I dare not go out all day for fear of ruining my shoes. It seems something in the night had caused them to take flight and they had trampled a fence in their panic. Much of the lawn was pitted with hoof prints and Ned's magnificent erection was less erect than intended. I would have liked to have gone out and held it for him while he straightened it but remained in the Parlour and watched him banging away from the comfort of the chaise longue. It quite wore me out.
Dear Diary,After some hard riding, I returned late, yesterday eve, from Manchesterford. How big everything seems in the city. I made the acquaintance of a Mr Hilton and we lunched in some style before wandering to finger baubles and pretty things. I had a most amusing time and back at his rooms in Hulme I was plied with sugared fruits and other mouth-watering delights but I resisted the temptation to partake of them all. At breakfast this morning I noticed an unfamiliar face. Fanny reminded me that it was, indeed, my own sister Jane who has been closeted away these past weeks writing. I said " Tell me Joan, what has engaged you in recent times?". She looked up from her lightly poached egg and replied, " A novel, actually, entitled ' How to get someone to do something that they do not really want to do.'" I riposted with " Would 'Persuasion' be a little less wordy a title?". She rose, suddenly, tossed a buttered cob at me and swept out of the room. At Chapel this morning, the Parson gave an impassioned sermon entitled 'The Evil amongst us'. I doubt he was referring to Old Collette Fairfax but she stared most unnervingly at me throughout the service. Not one to be cowed so easily I bade her 'good day' on departure but she spat a word back that I could not decipher. I recoiled, not from the venom of her reply, but as any fellow would when in close proximity to someone who has had a boiled onion for breakfast. Outside, I was distressed to see that someone had daubed a number of letters in mud upon Python's flank. It appeared to be 'TWOT' but I know of no such word. I have my suspicions as to who the writer might be.
Dear Diary,I rose early and led Python into Cobbler's Bottom. I felt he needed another shoe. How cruel fate can be for when I arrived I discovered that the splendid Sam, he of the tousled hair and rippling flesh, was otherwise engaged and his replacement was less than satisfactory. By the looks of him he was more related to the beasts he has shod than any man I have known. I stood outside, in need of air, while he performed the task and returned home. I am to Manchesterford today for some amusement. May Fortune be kind. I shall return anon.Adieu.
Dear Diary,Snow! Everything was so clean and white when I looked out this morning. Ned was throwing snowballs at Titty as she was returning home after fetching the milk. It looked such fun and I quickly dressed and ran to join them. I had stepped less than three feet from the front door when I was hit full in the face by one of Ned's balls! Can you imagine? I returned indoors and still felt weak from the shock at dinner.
Dear Diary,This morning I took Python, my horse( I dare not tell you why he is named so), to the Blacksmith's in Cobbler's Bottom as he needed a new shoe. What a handsome fellow he is, with his tousled blonde hair and glistening chest. (I mean the Blacksmith, not Python.) How I gripped and fingered my crop as he set to work. Even Python showed some interest but I am sure the Blacksmith is used to it. Returning home I almost trampled Old Colette Fairfax as she hobbled across the road. She may be old and frail but her voice carries a long way when she is hurling insults. This afternoon, I watched as Ned and Mrs Crutchlow took down the festive frippery and I was of great help in pointing out their errors, much as I am able to do when they are engaged in other domestic chores that are beneath me. I am sure they are grateful of my interest. The rest of the day was much more relaxing for me. I noticed a few flurries of snow at one point and had the wherewithal to get Ned to fetch more logs just in case. All was quiet this evening, until suddenly Father's Willie leapt upright and there was a great banging upon the front door. For a moment I thought it was Old Colette Fairfax, who had hobbled all the way here to offer further vituperation and I busied my self looking for lost objects behind the chaise longue. However, it was the Parson, all breathless and sweating. What a fuss he made. It seems that he is adamant he has seen a wolf down in the woods. I remember a similar incident not so long ago when he thought he was being stalked by a rampant badger and that led only to tragedy. Mrs Crutchlow led him into the scullery to find something to give him comfort. When I entered a short while later for some hot milk, whatever she had given him for comfort he must have lost down her ample cleavage, for that is where he appeared to be looking.
Dear Diary,I awoke this morning, quite stiff and ill at ease with the world. I fear I tossed a great deal in the night and got little sleep. I was greeted at breakfast, by Mother who enquired if I had laid eyes upon her green handled letter opener. I said "You mean the jaded one? " "Yes" she replied, "I appear to have mislaid it". I had to admit I had not seen it but felt that it would be found in due course. A little later as Fanny and I were passing the scullery, on our way to duet upon the pianoforte, Mrs Crutchlow beckoned us closer and spoke conspiratorially, saying "Mr Austen, I appear to have mislaid a cucumber! It was to be cucumber sandwiches for lunch." Was the day to be filled with mystery and disappearances? I turned to enquire of Fanny if she had any knowledge but she had vanished also. Yet later still, Mrs Crutchlow, once again apprehended me and this time all but man handled me into the larder. She stood and pointed at a shelf and there upon it lay the cucumber and the green handled letter opener. Yes, the jaded one! At that moment, Ned entered from the garden and came to see what transfixed us so. "It was not there earlier" said Mrs Crutchlow. The cucumber was not whole and a large piece had been sliced off the end, and was missing. Ned spoke saying, "Look at all those strange 'snicks' down the side". I believe he meant 'nicks' but he made his point, for indeed there were many marks upon the cucumber's length as if an attempt had been made to roughen it's appearance. It was a mystery indeed and we could think of no explanation, but Mother was grateful to have her letter opener returned and we did have cucumber sandwiches for lunch. It was strange,though, that Fanny did not have any as they are her favourite but she was looking a little flushed.This afternoon, I ventured out to call upon some old friends, the Meadows, who are up from London and staying in a remote cottage for the festive season. We went for a brisk walk despite the inclement weather and it was delightful to catch up with them and their very little news. Huddled for shelter against the bitter wind, atop a grassy knoll, I contemplated the 'joys of friendship'. Here were some friends who I rarely see and yet whenever we are together it is as if I only saw them yesterday. Maybe if they had more tales of activity and interest it would feel longer than yesterday, but nevertheless, I remember shivering there upon that knoll, with the dampness seeping into my breeches, and thinking how blessed I am with my friends. Of course I thought of absent friends also and what they mean to me and a warm glow came over me. Well, I thought it was a warm glow but it in fact turned out to be a sheep urinating down my back from a rock above. Mrs Meadows squeaked "Oh, that's lucky!" How can it be lucky? What idiotic friends I have!
Dear Diary,Dull again! As far as I see it this year seems very much like the last. However, I did catch a respectable perch in the pond this morning and took it as a gift to the ladies at Cobbler's End. Fanny has been a frequent visitor but it was the first time I had been invited to tea. Miss Mona Lott and Miss Constance Noring are agreeable company indeed and I think I see why Fanny is so drawn to them. I have recently discovered that Miss Lott has a passion for the Parson's organ, much like my own whereas Miss Noring is much more a lady of the outdoors. (She does not ride side saddle!). I presented them with my fish and we settled down to tea. The conversation was a little stilted at first, mainly about the weather. I enquired if they liked fish and they glanced at each other and agreed they did. I informed them that Mrs Crutchlow had recommended lotion for crabs and wondered if it would be the same for fish. There was a moment's silence, until Miss Noring said they were very fond of cucumbers too, at which point Fanny spluttered most of her tea across the rug. They have a very cosy accommodation and they said I was at liberty to finger their knickknacks. There was such an array of ornaments upon the mantle including a small china monkey playing upon a pink oboe which they said was Meissen. I had never heard of it before but I must confess I was very much taken by this Meissen Monkey and thought it delightful. We shall have to invite them back to the Grange soon and I will have to enquire of Mrs Crutchlow if there is indeed something surprising which she can make for our guests from cucumbers.
