Dear Diary,Considering the shocking events of yesterday I feel guilty to admit, I slept quite well. For a few brief moments when I opened my eyes all was forgotten and then it came back to me as real as if I were seeing it again. Dr Cojones is confined to bed since his rescue. He has sustained some serious cuts and bruising but happily no bones appear broken. Mrs Norris is entertaining him with stories from the embroidery circle whilst he is bedridden so I am sure he will be keen to recover quickly. My Aunt, Uncle and Malcolm have been sent for and are no doubt journeying as I write. Evelyn's body has been taken to the Abbey to await the funeral arrangements. I was not aware Evelyn had entered the Abbey. Jane had known she was there for sometime but did not consider it worth mention. She said Evelyn's presence was one of the reasons she herself did not stay at the Abbey and I also discovered that Evelyn was the nun I had seen Jane wrestling to the ground."She was rather rude about you, brother, and the only personage allowed such liberty is I, " she said.I was able to spend some time with Dr Cojones in his chamber this afternoon. "Wine, I 'beliebe' your 'estory'. I am 'conbinced' that you are a good man, I am 'intuitibe'," he said patting my hand. I thanked him and told him of the hatred I had seen her eyes before she fell. "I must have hurt her greatly," I murmured."Wine, 'estop! Eshe' was an 'ebil bitch'!" He snorted, "but I think you 'eshould' discuss with your Father what you will 'esay' to her family. Perhaps you 'eshould' not 'rebeal' the whole truth."Thus, a story for the Tents has been decided to protect their name and standing. Only a few will know what Evelyn Tent was really like. In those eyes I saw the person who attacked Miss Honey Pott and Miss Quirrel believing them to be objects of my affection, stole my precious Python and sent the rat and dead flowers. It was Evelyn who masqueraded as Death that moonlit night. What was it that Bigas Cojones called her?Yes! She was an 'evil vitch'! Whatever a 'vitch' is!
Dear Diary,The day dawned bright, dry and full of promise. I was looking forward to acquainting Dr Cojones with the Knob I know so well. We set off mid morning and strolled easily up the path through the wood. How green everything was and how fresh, the scent."I 'perceibe' a 'espring' in your 'estep', Wine. I think we hab made bery good progress," observed the Dr. " I hab a 'esixth esense' and I feel that you 'eshould' fear no more. The 'ebil' has passed and you 'eshould' no longer feel 'bulnerable'."I smiled. "Yes, I feel it too. I think the storm has passed."We were both a little breathless as we reached the top and I lead him to where the view could be best admired. The ground dropped sharply away in front of us, over the rocky precipice, but afforded a magnificent view of the countryside stretching out below."A ' bery especial' place, but a little chilly," shivered Dr Cojones."Here," I offered, "take my coat, I am more accustomed to our climate." He thanked me and slipped it on."Excuse me Doctor," I went on, somewhat embarrassed," but I fear I have drunk too much apple juice at breakfast and am a little uncomfortable, if you would excuse me a moment....""Of course!" he chuckled and I left him staring out over the valley.I was behind the tree when I noticed the nun approaching and quickly ducked out of sight to avoid scandal. She passed quietly and I peered out from hiding to watch her move on. The Doctor was not aware of her arrival and she began to creep very carefully towards him. The sudden realisation that all was not right came too late, for at the same moment her foot snapped a dry twig and the Doctor alerted to the presence of another started to turn. In an instant she lunged forward, arms outstretched, and to my horror, pushed the Doctor over the edge. I heard him cry out " Oh, 'esshhiiiiiiiiiii'..........." before he was drowned out by her manic laughter. She pulled off her wimple and shook free her hair and I recognised her at once. It was Evelyn Tent, my cousin from Effin Hall.Still in shock I stepped out from behind the tree and cried out "Evelyn! What have you done?"She turned with a gasp and recognised me at once and the look upon her face will be etched in my mind forever. In her eyes, in that moment, I saw fear then hatred and ultimately despair. I watched as her eyes lowered from my face to my waist and then her eyes widened even more. I realised I had not made myself decent and was still exposed from unburdening my bladder. She gasped again and staggered backwards and lost her footing. Her arms began to circle wildly, as she slowly toppled backwards and then, in quiet resignation uttered her final words and disappeared over the edge. I stepped forward but my breeches fell down and tripped me to the ground. I staggered to my feet and hobbling and fastening reached the edge and peered over. I could not believe what I had just witnessed but as if to prove that all was not a dream, there, caught upon a branch about thirty feet below, fluttered Evelyn's wimple."Evelyn! Doctor!" I cried as I dropped to my knees and peered over the edge and then I heard it. From somewhere below, a voice I never thought I would hear again, croaked;"Wine? If I 'eber' mention my 'esixth esense' again, 'eslap' me!"
Dear Diary,I have been sleeping better since my conversations with Dr Cojones but this morning I awoke with a slight headache. The glorious weather of recent days was gone and the sky was overcast. As the day progressed the intensity of the ache in my head increased and the sky darkened with heavy clouds. "Wine, I 'beliebe' we should forego our walk today. I think there will be an 'estorm' and I do not wish to get my moustache wet," he whimpered. However, I glimpsed him in the garden later with Mrs Norris and noticed his moustache appeared slightly crooked when he re-entered the Grange sometime afterwards. Father had acquired theatre tickets for the evening. Dr Cojones and Mrs Norris accompanied us and we travelled by coach to Netherton. The ache in my head was almost blinding and I wished I was abed."I am a great lover of the Arts," declared Mrs Norris as we journeyed."Hab you eber considered performing upon the 'estage' yourself?" cooed Bigas.I doubted it would be able to take the weight but remained taciturn. Suddenly there was a loud clap of thunder which startled us all. The rain poured down for the rest of the journey to Netherton as the storm broke around us. The play was dull and Dr Cojones fell asleep in the second act despite the thunder outside which drowned out some of the speeches. He slowly slipped down in his seat until his head came to rest upon Mrs Norris's shoulder. Seeing her discomfort and attempts to shuffle him off were far more entertaining than the thespians treading the boards. We emerged to a starry sky. The clouds had lifted and I noticed my headache was gone. I was smiling for the first time in many days as we journeyed home. I felt as if all danger had past and all would now be well.
Dear Diary,Such glorious weather that after breakfast Dr Cojones suggested we continue our 'conbersation' in the 'eshade' in the garden. "This is a 'espectacular' creation," he enthused about Ned's erection, "and 'esuch' magnificent biews of the garden." He asked about my acquaintances and listened intently as I talked of my few dear friends. When I finished he stared at me in silence for a few moments and then breathed;"Hab you eber had any lubbers?" I shuffled uncomfortably upon the seat, and pondered carefully my next utterances but luckily at that moment Mrs Norris emerged from round a corner of the house and Dr Cojones fixed his gaze upon her. He sighed and looked wistful, then breathed;"Do you beliebe in lube, Wine?" I was about to say that indeed, 'lube' is very important to me and something I desired greatly but was scarce in these parts, when he sighed again, saying "Eshe is a bision."Ned walked past and said "D'you see that pair of great tits, Mr Austen?" I waved him past hurriedly and then found my eyes drawn to the snug fit of his breeches as he walked away.I jumped as Dr Cojones clapped his hands and cried, "Tomorrow, we walk! I hab heard there is a esplendid biew up on that hill," and he pointed towards 'my' Knob.As we walked back to the house, he leaned close, "Tell me Wine, what is the lady's name?""Mary," I replied, "Mary Norris."
The 'Birgin Mary.'For it is she.
Dear Diary,I am trapped. I awoke resigned to the fact that I would be unable to avoid Bigas Cojones all of the day, so eventually I allowed myself to be led like a lamb into the library for the inevitable probing. "Wine, do not be escared, I come to help you. I hab helped many especial peoples. Is bery inportant you feel confortable with me. Si?" I could only nod. "I tell you about myself..." and he did, for about an hour but all I can recall now is; he is from 'a billage called Billanubla' outside 'Balladolid' in 'Espana', his father made 'espicy esausages' but he does not like 'espicy things' as they make him 'bomit bery, bery badly!' He has 'trabelled all ober Europe' and 'Libed in Bienna ( bery beautiful), Bratislaba (bery poor peoples and mass starbation) and Estoke on Trent' . In return I was required to talk about myself but after only a few minutes he yawned and said,"We hab a short interbal now, and esome of esenora Crutchlow's cack."In the afternoon he enquired if there had been any 'biolent incidents' in my life, about my 'relationeships' with my family and finally we discussed who might be 'eseeking rebenge' upon me. I must confess it was most refreshing to discuss these matters. Finally, he looked at me with his sparkling eyes and pressed his fingertips together and I awaited his summation. "Wine," he said, " tell me about that woman with the bery, bery big esmile and the leetle estartled dog? You think she is birgin?"I blinked."Unequibocally!" I replied.
Dear Diary,The general furtiveness about the house has continued all day. Everyone has been most attentive to me and appear to be smiling far more than is the norm around here, apart from Ned, who is most distracted and constantly frowning of late. Mrs Norris leapt up off the Chaise longue, which rests in the bay window in the parlour and insisted I rest upon it this afternoon. All became clear earlier this evening when I heard a horse approach and everyone began to bustle about. Mrs Norris rearranged the lace at her breast and Fanny brushed pussy hairs from her lap and Mother rushed out to the door. She returned shortly afterwards followed by a dark haired gentlemen with bright twinkling eyes and a curved moustache. He bowed so dramatically, that I almost began to clap. My Mother introduced him. "Wayne, this is Dr Vigas Cojones.""Bigas," said the man."Bigas Cojones?" Mother questioned."Si, Bigas. Is espelt wis a 'b'," he made a 'v' shape with two fingers, "but is pronounced wis a 'b'," He smiled, and we all smiled back as if he was making sense."Good ebening, Wine, is bery nice to meet you" he addressed me.Mother went on. "Wayne dear, your Father and I have been very worried about you in recent days," everyone in the room was nodding in unison, "and we thought it might be useful to talk to someone about it. Your Father has heard favourable reports of Vig......Big.....Dr Cojones, and he is going to be staying with us for a few days."Everyone was looking at me expectantly and I realised they all thought I was going mad. I considered briefly, affecting a twitch in my left eye and possibly drooling, but just smiled and stepped forward and held out my hand."Very nice to meet you," I said."Bale, bale, bueno," he beamed, " is eso nice to be here and you hab a bery nice house and a bery lubing family, Wine. Tomorrow we while get to know each uzzer but now I must unpack. Oh! Estop! Bigas, 'ow could you forget? I habe brought a leetle gift for you." He rummaged about in a large bag and brought out a round package and handed it to me."Ees Cheese, a bery especial cheese, you like?" his eyes twinkled."Is lubberly," I lied.
Dear Diary,Ned has got me thinking...have I spurned someone? I cannot think who. I felt all eyes upon me at Chapel this morning but whenever I looked up, they had turned away.Everyone seems to be whispering here, Mother and Father in the hallway, Fanny and Jane, Titty and Ned, even Mrs Norris and that beast at her breast. All stop and look up as soon as I pass and smile as if nothing is amiss. I jump at the slightest noise and just cannot settle in one place for very long. What is to become of me?
