Dear Diary,I have been lying low and keeping my head down and remaining in the confines of the Grange. Fanny has done her best to plead my innocence up at Cobbler's Bottom but folk are quick to point a finger and reluctant to change their views. The weather has been delightful and I have been tempted to dust off my tackle and get my rod out down by the pond but have had to content me, playing solo, with my shuttlecock behind Ned's shed. At one point I misjudged a stroke and overshot the mark and my shuttlecock struck the shed. Ned emerged from where he had been whittling."Crikey, Mr Austen, you gave me a fright. Nearly slipped with my knife and 'emasturbated' myself!" He laughed." Ned, " I replied, "I'd like to help you with your diction sometime if you would allow me."He coloured, dropped his gaze and said;" Thank you sir, but I manage quite well with that on my own," and he slipped back inside.
Dear Diary,The weather has been glorious of late and soon after rising I have hastened out to take advantage of that unreliable orb that travels across the heavens each day. Yesterday, I had to push my way past a...(what is the collective noun for a group of nuns?)...let us say, a hymen of nuns gathered about the bottom step, all watching Jane wrestle with an Abbess upon the ground. I know not why nor care but nuns are not what they used to be if they utter phrases like "Throttle her with your wimple, Sister!"This morn I was making my escape for the day when Fanny called me back and asked if I had heard the news from Ned. "Are there more nuns mustering upon the horizon to attack?" I quiped."No," she replied "but do not venture into Cobbler's Bottom for I fear you may live to rue it."It seems that yesterday after her class had returned home Miss Quirrel was set upon by an unknown assailant. Her head was covered with a sack, she was bound over her desk and treated to a taste of her own cane. " How dreadful!" I gasped." Not really," said Fanny " by all accounts she was more concerned about the profanities written upon her blackboard...words, it seems, very similar to those uttered by you on a visit to the school. She believes you were behind it in response to her laying a hand upon you."I felt myself go quite pale and Fanny assisted me across the garden and I lowered myself carefully onto Ned's erection." I shall go with haste into Cobbler's Bottom," she continued "and I will vouch for your attendance here last night and quash this silly gossiping. Do not fret, brother. I will make it well."Am I not a most unfortunate fellow? Come angry Nuns! Put me out of my misery!
Dear Diary,I decided today to move into the room left vacant by my recently departed sister. It is much more comodious and commands a better view of the grounds and approach to Thrushcock Grange. It took some time to carry my precious and private things through and rearrange them about the room in a tidy and pleasing manner, not because they are great in number but mainly because Ned was weeding, half naked, below my window and when he bent over...well, let me just say, his trousers could have been better fitting. I was finally happy with the new arrangement, late this afternoon, when there was a tapping at the door of my new chamber. I quickly refastened my breeches and leapt away from the window saying "Enter," and in walked Jane."I have returned and shall require my room back," she smiled.I did not say it aloud but a voice in my head said "Bugger!"
Dear Diary,Crossing the hallway this morning, I heard a knock upon the door and went to answer. Ned came running too and we both opened it together. Standing below upon the step was a very handsome young fellow with tousled blonde hair spilling out from beneath his cap. He was slightly taken aback by the double welcome and suddenly remembering his cap, balanced the box of vegetables he was carrying upon one knee and whisked it off his head. He stood upright again, regained his composure and said;"Excuse me, but do you take deliveries around the back?"Before I could say anything Ned spoke up."Well, I don't, personally, but I think he might," he said, indicating towards me. I gave him such a withering look in return that the cheeky smile was gone from his face in an instant and he visibly shrank before me." Much as I would like to take you myself," I replied to the handsome lad with a smile, "I will leave it for our servant, Ned, here to do it. I must make preparations for a day of walking in the hills.""Ned, take him up the back passage!" I ordered and he did.
Dear Diary,I was quite the centre of attention at Chapel today. I noticed the furtive glances of many and whispered conversations ceased as I passed. How unfair is it, that after my efforts for good I should be portrayed in an unjustifiably bad light? Even the ladies from Cobbler's End were hesitant to converse with me after the service. I felt like a Martyr and only I knew why it was thus. Walking out of the Chapel grounds, I noticed Titty and her Father, Farmer Clamp deep in conversation. "Et tu, Titty?" I said as I passed. They both paused and looked at me, bemused."Pardon Mr Austen?" said Farmer Clamp, " We're just talking bullocks 'ere."
Dear Diary,My sister Jane has departed for the nunnery. She entered Ballbanger Abbey this very afternoon. We all attended to escort her thither and were gathering before the Grange, readying for departure when Ned drew our attention to someone striding up the lane towards us. It was a young lady and she was walking with purpose and no little determination in her stride. As she got nearer Ned suddenly turned to me, smiled and gave me one of those annoying winks he has developed of late and I began to wish I was elsewhere at that moment. I believe Fanny felt it too for she quickly climbed into the waiting Barouche and ducked down inside. Miss Quirrel, for it was she, marched onward towards us all standing before the house. I could now see her eyes and they were fixed upon me. She weaved past all the others, past Father and Mother, whose heads silently turned to follow her as she past and she finally stopped before me. The air was thick with expectation and I swear even the birds stopped trilling. She looked up at me and I opened my eyes wide and weakly smiled at her, then she slapped my face. At once the silence was broken and a chorus of gasps went up. Miss Quirrel turned on her heels and marched away with equal purpose and everyone turned to watch her go in disbelief. Fanny popped up. "Found it!" she cheerily declared holding up an invisible find. Thus, my non existent dalliance with the village School Teacher was very publicly over. I suppose I should be grateful. Maybe I should get me to a Monastery!
Dear Diary,I am just returned from Manchesterford. Knowing my fondness for thespians my parents indulged me by whisking me off to see a play by William Shakespeare as a belated birthday present. They would give no clues as to what we were journeying to see as they did not know themselves. I suspect we are only going because one of Father's acquaintances has expressed interest in it and he wants the upper hand. We arrived a little early and Mother went off to ascertain the title of the piece whilst Father and I enjoyed an ale. She returned moments later declaring;" It's Richard the Turd." Father spluttered ale all down the front of his jacket and looked at Mother in horror. On discovering the company all hailed from Dublin I understood the simple misinterpretation.I enjoyed the play immensely but how odd they spoke in yesteryear.Of course all the gossip of the moment, back home, is the mysterious return of the Chapel silver discovered back in it's rightful place by Flora Bunder. Happily suspicion is no longer laid upon the Dickers as they were vanished before it's return. The Parson is delighted and happy to be back in his pulpit and I must say I am happy to see him there too. I doubt I could have endured the cries of "It's a miwacle!" on Sunday had he not been recovered.
