Dear Diary,
Seasons greetings and happy felicitations!
May your Christmas be as gay as mine and your goose well stuffed!
Cheers!
Kristin Chenowith - Home
14 years ago
Friday
Friday 11th November 1811
Dear Diary,
I have long neglected you and trust you can forgive me, for as you know there have been greater distractions of late.
Our attempts to find the money to purchase the Knob from 'Arfur' Foulksayke have been quite exhausting. Our trip to Far Corfe was rewarded with £100 from Mrs Norris, thus proving her heart is almost as expansive as her bosom.
I also bring the news that Titty's Pork Hunt was well attended and raised a gallant £13 and 3 shillings.
Many of our friends ventured out in our support. Harden Thicke offered his Dick for stroking to those who gave up what they could afford. Llewellyn Dowd's leeches were less popular however but 'Wussell Spwout's 'wendition' of 'Awise Glowious Conquewer' brought funds flooding in from those offering it for him to stop.
Despite our tireless efforts sadly it was not enough and as the time drew nigh to make our offer to 'Arfur' I took a last ride upon the Knob.
I confess my eyes filled with tears as gazed upon that view for the last time and I resolved to leave the Nethers forever.
I am certain that what occurred at that moment was indeed 'Divine Intervention' for as I blinked away my tears I beheld a wondrous rainbow arching before me out across the valley and there at its end a beech tree festooned with the golden raiment of autumn.
I was a desperate man willing to do anything to save 'his' Knob.
I rode back to Knob End and urged Willow, Harden and Ned to follow me out to the tree and we dug and dug beneath its spreading branches.
As the last light of the day faded Ned's shovel finally unearthed what I hoped we would find; The Longbird Fortune.
Thursday last, Willow, the Misses Dixon and Foster and I journeyed hard to Scotland, to Foulk Hall and offered 'Arfur' Foulksayke £5113 and 3 shillings and he presented us with the deeds to the Knob and a haunch of venison.
There was great rejoicing upon our return yestereve.
Today a special service was held in the Chapel to dedicate the Knob for posterity to the people of Cobbler's Bottom.
"Mr Austen," said Ned from the pulpit, " we cannot thank you enough for our Knob for posterior."
I 'wanked' at him.
And what of Cain?
I fear I have made an even greater enemy of him. When he heard the news he lunged at me and would have struck me if Father's Todger had not leapt up to my defence.
He left Thrushcock Grange this evening with all his belongings.
He did not say goodbye.
I shall remain in the Nethers for now.
My mind is full of ideas for making the Knob more accessible for all and I am sure I can persuade Harden to assist me with that. I shall commission Ned to erect his greatest erection yet for all to sit upon and marvel at the view.
I leave you to concentrate upon a novel I intend to write.
If you should miss me...I am here...all you need do is leaf back through your pages and find me again.
I hear Willow out in the garden calling for the goat I have bought him. It is always venturing off. He was to call it 'Ralphene' but has now chosen another name.
If ever you have the pleasure to be upon the Knob in the days to come, you may hear us somewhere below calling for our goat;
"Arfur Foulksayke!"
I have long neglected you and trust you can forgive me, for as you know there have been greater distractions of late.
Our attempts to find the money to purchase the Knob from 'Arfur' Foulksayke have been quite exhausting. Our trip to Far Corfe was rewarded with £100 from Mrs Norris, thus proving her heart is almost as expansive as her bosom.
I also bring the news that Titty's Pork Hunt was well attended and raised a gallant £13 and 3 shillings.
Many of our friends ventured out in our support. Harden Thicke offered his Dick for stroking to those who gave up what they could afford. Llewellyn Dowd's leeches were less popular however but 'Wussell Spwout's 'wendition' of 'Awise Glowious Conquewer' brought funds flooding in from those offering it for him to stop.
Despite our tireless efforts sadly it was not enough and as the time drew nigh to make our offer to 'Arfur' I took a last ride upon the Knob.
I confess my eyes filled with tears as gazed upon that view for the last time and I resolved to leave the Nethers forever.
I am certain that what occurred at that moment was indeed 'Divine Intervention' for as I blinked away my tears I beheld a wondrous rainbow arching before me out across the valley and there at its end a beech tree festooned with the golden raiment of autumn.
I was a desperate man willing to do anything to save 'his' Knob.
I rode back to Knob End and urged Willow, Harden and Ned to follow me out to the tree and we dug and dug beneath its spreading branches.
As the last light of the day faded Ned's shovel finally unearthed what I hoped we would find; The Longbird Fortune.
Thursday last, Willow, the Misses Dixon and Foster and I journeyed hard to Scotland, to Foulk Hall and offered 'Arfur' Foulksayke £5113 and 3 shillings and he presented us with the deeds to the Knob and a haunch of venison.
There was great rejoicing upon our return yestereve.
Today a special service was held in the Chapel to dedicate the Knob for posterity to the people of Cobbler's Bottom.
"Mr Austen," said Ned from the pulpit, " we cannot thank you enough for our Knob for posterior."
I 'wanked' at him.
And what of Cain?
I fear I have made an even greater enemy of him. When he heard the news he lunged at me and would have struck me if Father's Todger had not leapt up to my defence.
He left Thrushcock Grange this evening with all his belongings.
He did not say goodbye.
I shall remain in the Nethers for now.
My mind is full of ideas for making the Knob more accessible for all and I am sure I can persuade Harden to assist me with that. I shall commission Ned to erect his greatest erection yet for all to sit upon and marvel at the view.
I leave you to concentrate upon a novel I intend to write.
If you should miss me...I am here...all you need do is leaf back through your pages and find me again.
I hear Willow out in the garden calling for the goat I have bought him. It is always venturing off. He was to call it 'Ralphene' but has now chosen another name.
If ever you have the pleasure to be upon the Knob in the days to come, you may hear us somewhere below calling for our goat;
"Arfur Foulksayke!"
Sunday
Sunday 6th November 1811
Dear Diary,
'Where have you been?' I hear you ask.
"Far Corfe!" I reply.
I confess I abandoned you at Knob End during my absence though you will concede I am distracted by urgent matters at this present time.
'Where have you been?' I hear you ask.
"Far Corfe!" I reply.
I confess I abandoned you at Knob End during my absence though you will concede I am distracted by urgent matters at this present time.
Wednesday
Tuesday 2nd November 1811
Dear Diary,
While Cain is occupied admonishing trespassers upon what he now believes is his Knob. I have been engaged in my attempts to raise funds to purchase it before he discovers the papers to which he put his signature have been mislaid.
I have spent much of the day discussing the details of Titty's Pork Hunt.
I was returning home when I encountered Llewellyn Dowd. I pressed him to keep it secret and told him of our fund raising.
He has offered the use of his leeches for those willing to donate to our cause.
I doubt his kind offer will bring much reward.
While Cain is occupied admonishing trespassers upon what he now believes is his Knob. I have been engaged in my attempts to raise funds to purchase it before he discovers the papers to which he put his signature have been mislaid.
I have spent much of the day discussing the details of Titty's Pork Hunt.
I was returning home when I encountered Llewellyn Dowd. I pressed him to keep it secret and told him of our fund raising.
He has offered the use of his leeches for those willing to donate to our cause.
I doubt his kind offer will bring much reward.
Monday
Monday 31st October 1811
Dear Diary,
How the dark draws in upon us as the months march on.
I was still up in Cobbler's Bottom when dusk fell and had just resolved to begin my journey home when I was caught by the Goolies!
I was surprised to see them so far from Netherton.
We exchanged greetings and pleasantries and I had just succeeded in extricating myself from their grasping company on the pretence of being called to finger the Parson's organ when I turned and fell over a pumpkin that had been discarded carelessly upon the ground.
I was hauled up from this indignity by the Goolies and limped home.
How the dark draws in upon us as the months march on.
I was still up in Cobbler's Bottom when dusk fell and had just resolved to begin my journey home when I was caught by the Goolies!
I was surprised to see them so far from Netherton.
We exchanged greetings and pleasantries and I had just succeeded in extricating myself from their grasping company on the pretence of being called to finger the Parson's organ when I turned and fell over a pumpkin that had been discarded carelessly upon the ground.
I was hauled up from this indignity by the Goolies and limped home.
Sunday
Sunday 30th October 1811
Dear Diary,
How I am grateful for the familiarity and warmth of my own Knob End.
How soft and welcome is this cushion upon which I am sat.
How I tried to appear delighted as Mrs Crutchlow presented me with a plate of sausage, potatoes and turnip for dinner.
How I am grateful for the familiarity and warmth of my own Knob End.
How soft and welcome is this cushion upon which I am sat.
How I tried to appear delighted as Mrs Crutchlow presented me with a plate of sausage, potatoes and turnip for dinner.
Saturday
Saturday 29th October 1811
Dear Diary,
After slipping into Foulk Hall uninvited we are now guests of honour and last evening sat beside its owner, 'Arfur' Foulksayke.
All has turned out better than I had hoped even though our dinner last night was almost identical to the one we had at the Inn in Stirling the previous evening.
I leant over to him during dessert and told him of my interest in his Knob. When he had recovered from almost choking upon his cranachan I was able to explain further.
It would appear Cain has raised £5000 to buy the Knob but 'Arfur' has assured me he will delay the sale for a fortnight if we can better my brothers offer.
We are determined to try.
I think we will have need of Titty's Pork Hunt.
After slipping into Foulk Hall uninvited we are now guests of honour and last evening sat beside its owner, 'Arfur' Foulksayke.
All has turned out better than I had hoped even though our dinner last night was almost identical to the one we had at the Inn in Stirling the previous evening.
I leant over to him during dessert and told him of my interest in his Knob. When he had recovered from almost choking upon his cranachan I was able to explain further.
It would appear Cain has raised £5000 to buy the Knob but 'Arfur' has assured me he will delay the sale for a fortnight if we can better my brothers offer.
We are determined to try.
I think we will have need of Titty's Pork Hunt.
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