The Wayne Austen Diaries

Sunday 25th December 1811

2011-12-25T21:21:00.000Z

Dear Diary,
Seasons greetings and happy felicitations!
May your Christmas be as gay as mine and your goose well stuffed!
Cheers!

Friday 11th November 1811

2011-11-11T23:06:00.001Z

Dear Diary,
I have long neglected you and trust you can forgive me, for as you know there have been greater distractions of late.
Our attempts to find the money to purchase the Knob from 'Arfur' Foulksayke have been quite exhausting. Our trip to Far Corfe was rewarded with £100 from Mrs Norris, thus proving her heart is almost as expansive as her bosom.
I also bring the news that Titty's Pork Hunt was well attended and raised a gallant £13 and 3 shillings.
Many of our friends ventured out in our support. Harden Thicke offered his Dick for stroking to those who gave up what they could afford. Llewellyn Dowd's leeches were less popular however but 'Wussell Spwout's 'wendition' of 'Awise Glowious Conquewer' brought funds flooding in from those offering it for him to stop.
Despite our tireless efforts sadly it was not enough and as the time drew nigh to make our offer to 'Arfur' I took a last ride upon the Knob.
I confess my eyes filled with tears as gazed upon that view for the last time and I resolved to leave the Nethers forever.
I am certain that what occurred at that moment was indeed 'Divine Intervention' for as I blinked away my tears I beheld a wondrous rainbow arching before me out across the valley and there at its end a beech tree festooned with the golden raiment of autumn.
I was a desperate man willing to do anything to save 'his' Knob.
I rode back to Knob End and urged Willow, Harden and Ned to follow me out to the tree and we dug and dug beneath its spreading branches.
As the last light of the day faded Ned's shovel finally unearthed what I hoped we would find; The Longbird Fortune.
Thursday last, Willow, the Misses Dixon and Foster and I journeyed hard to Scotland, to Foulk Hall and offered 'Arfur' Foulksayke £5113 and 3 shillings and he presented us with the deeds to the Knob and a haunch of venison.
There was great rejoicing upon our return yestereve.
Today a special service was held in the Chapel to dedicate the Knob for posterity to the people of Cobbler's Bottom.
"Mr Austen," said Ned from the pulpit, " we cannot thank you enough for our Knob for posterior."
I 'wanked' at him.
And what of Cain?
I fear I have made an even greater enemy of him. When he heard the news he lunged at me and would have struck me if Father's Todger had not leapt up to my defence.
He left Thrushcock Grange this evening with all his belongings.
He did not say goodbye.

I shall remain in the Nethers for now.
My mind is full of ideas for making the Knob more accessible for all and I am sure I can persuade Harden to assist me with that. I shall commission Ned to erect his greatest erection yet for all to sit upon and marvel at the view.
I leave you to concentrate upon a novel I intend to write.
If you should miss me...I am here...all you need do is leaf back through your pages and find me again.
I hear Willow out in the garden calling for the goat I have bought him. It is always venturing off. He was to call it 'Ralphene' but has now chosen another name.
If ever you have the pleasure to be upon the Knob in the days to come, you may hear us somewhere below calling for our goat;
"Arfur Foulksayke!"

Sunday 6th November 1811

2011-11-06T22:23:00.000Z

Dear Diary,
'Where have you been?' I hear you ask.
"Far Corfe!" I reply.
I confess I abandoned you at Knob End during my absence though you will concede I am distracted by urgent matters at this present time.

Tuesday 2nd November 1811

2011-11-02T21:54:00.000Z

Dear Diary,
While Cain is occupied admonishing trespassers upon what he now believes is his Knob. I have been engaged in my attempts to raise funds to purchase it before he discovers the papers to which he put his signature have been mislaid.
I have spent much of the day discussing the details of Titty's Pork Hunt.
I was returning home when I encountered Llewellyn Dowd. I pressed him to keep it secret and told him of our fund raising.
He has offered the use of his leeches for those willing to donate to our cause.
I doubt his kind offer will bring much reward.

Monday 31st October 1811

2011-10-31T21:14:00.000Z

Dear Diary,
How the dark draws in upon us as the months march on.
I was still up in Cobbler's Bottom when dusk fell and had just resolved to begin my journey home when I was caught by the Goolies!
I was surprised to see them so far from Netherton.
We exchanged greetings and pleasantries and I had just succeeded in extricating myself from their grasping company on the pretence of being called to finger the Parson's organ when I turned and fell over a pumpkin that had been discarded carelessly upon the ground.
I was hauled up from this indignity by the Goolies and limped home.

Sunday 30th October 1811

2011-10-30T18:09:00.000Z

Dear Diary,
How I am grateful for the familiarity and warmth of my own Knob End.
How soft and welcome is this cushion upon which I am sat.
How I tried to appear delighted as Mrs Crutchlow presented me with a plate of sausage, potatoes and turnip for dinner.

Saturday 29th October 1811

2011-10-29T23:46:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
After slipping into Foulk Hall uninvited we are now guests of honour and last evening sat beside its owner, 'Arfur' Foulksayke.
All has turned out better than I had hoped even though our dinner last night was almost identical to the one we had at the Inn in Stirling the previous evening.
I leant over to him during dessert and told him of my interest in his Knob. When he had recovered from almost choking upon his cranachan I was able to explain further.
It would appear Cain has raised £5000 to buy the Knob but 'Arfur' has assured me he will delay the sale for a fortnight if we can better my brothers offer.
We are determined to try.
I think we will have need of Titty's Pork Hunt.

Friday 28th October 1811

2011-10-28T23:44:00.004+01:00

Dear Diary,

We rode as boldly as we could up to the entrance of Foulk Hall.
By some fortuitous chance there was already a large gathering of gentlemen about the forecourt and by all accounts it would seem they were gathering for a hunt. A groom stepped forward and took away our horses and we slipped into the throng unnoticed.
How fitting that surrounded by these huntsmen we were embarking upon a hunt of our own.
"What does he look like?" Willow whispered as we walked through the grand entrance into the hall.
I shook my head and shrugged "I have no idea."
Suddenly there came a voice from the top of the stairs,
"Wewcome Gents, Let the 'unt begin!"
I only caught a quick glimpse of the fellow who spoke before we were swept out with the tide of eager huntsmen. I lost sight of Willow in the melee and once outside all I could do was follow the crowd up the hill and into the woods.
In the woods everyone began to spread out and move away quietly into the trees and I took the opportunity to wander away on my own.
As you know I have never been one to enjoy the hunt so I found a secluded spot and sat down upon a fallen tree trunk. I winced in some discomfort but weathered it and it gradually subsided. I passed the time by trying to identify all the trees about me and then when tired of that drew out my pocket knife and started whittling idly away at a twig.
I cannot say how long I had been sat there before I became aware of the presence of another but I suddenly turned to find a huge stag standing not ten feet behind me.
I do not know how I had not heard its approach but there it stood boldly returning my stare.
I raised myself up and expected it to flee at my movement but it stood its ground and lowered its head slightly.
"Shoo," I said.
It snorted and pawed at the undergrowth with one of its front hooves.
"Be off or I shall be forced to use this," I cried, brandishing my inadequate pocket knife.
It lunged forward and startled I stepped back and with a cry tripped over a protruding root and fell backwards into the thicket.
Almost immediately there was a loud explosion close by. I heard the stag fall and a flock of rooks flew up from the trees above wheeled away calling in alarm.
"Blimey!" someone said, "Well played, Fella!"
I looked up to find the fellow from the top of the stairs standing over me holding his still smoking gun. He was all smiles. He held out a hand to me and helped me up.
He did not release my hand once I was back on my feet but kept shaking it warmly.
"Arfur," he said.
"Arthur?" I repeated.
"No, Arfur...Arfur Foulksayke. Pleased ta meet ya"
I was pleased to meet him.
My hunt was over.

Thursday 27th October 1811

2011-10-27T23:40:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
I fear I may never recover my usual gait after all this riding of recent days.
I cannot recall a time when I have been so reluctant to sit down as I am now.
You find us resting in Stirling and tomorrow shall attempt to gain entry to Foulk Hall.
I long for this matter to be closed. I am quite weary of it all and I fear if we fail tomorrow I shall be forced to give up my Knob forever.
Feeling peckish I called upon the landlord of this Inn to ask about dinner.
It was as if he were speaking another language!
I spurned his 'aggis, tatties and neeps' and asked he fetch something else.
He brought a strangely large sausage some potatoes and turnips.
It was quite nice.

Wednesday 26th October 1811

2011-10-26T18:40:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
We are returned to Knob End and remain quite tender in places but cannot rest for we are to make preparations to journey on in our efforts to save The Knob.
We are to Scotland in the morning.
I shall appraise you of the situation when time allows.

Tuesday 25th October 1811

2011-10-25T22:15:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
We are taking a more sedate pace in our journey home for we still have far to go this week and do not wish to task our horses too greatly. Thus we are resting for the night in Bottom Flash in Cheshire. If I look up from the desk upon which I write I can see a full moon!

Monday 24th October 1811

2011-10-24T23:28:00.004+01:00

Dear Diary,

We rose early despite still being quite fatigued with our lengthy journey.
Our lodgings were close by the Tower so we had only a cock's stride to our destination in the City.
I cannot tell you how my heart leapt in my chest as I stood on the step afore Number 13 Back Passage.
The door was ajar and invited entrance and we stepped in. I fiddled nervously with my moleskin mittens as we entered the hallway.
Suddenly a door opened and out stepped a gentleman quite fashionably dressed carrying a bundle of papers. He looked up upon noticing our presence.
"Can I be of assistance, Gentlemen?" He enquired, peering over the top of his spectacles.
" We are looking to speak with Mr F..F..." I stuttered in my anxiety.
"Do you have an appointment?" He interrupted briskly.
"Well, I...er...No." I replied.
"Good..." he said, "for I would have had to apologise for his absence as it is I can only inform you he is not here. He has been called away to Foulk Hall in the Trossachs and shall not return until the end of the week. Who shall I say called upon him?"
I was somewhat taken aback by this turn of events but gathered my wits to answer him.
"Austen," I replied, "Mr Austen."
"Ah, yes, Mr Austen, I have just this moment received your correspondence regarding the land purchase."
He held up a large brown envelope.
"Be assured that this matter shall be sealed upon his return from Scotland."
Willow stepped forward and took the envelope from his hand and now it was this fellows turn to be taken aback.
"How fortuitous we came," said Willow, "for we cannot wait until then."
The fellow looked at me with some concern.
"He is my partner." I smiled.
"We shall at once to these Trollocks..." said Willow.
"Trossachs," I corrected.
"Yes, Trossachs," said Willow, " and get this matter dealt with. Come Wayne.....I mean Cain. Let us ride."
He swept out with the envelope.
The gentleman stood there open mouthed peering over his spectacles.
"Good day." I smiled and disappeared up Back Passage.
Willow tossed the fragments of Cain's torn up letter into the Thames and we enjoyed the rest of the day and evening about the City.
"Shall we to the Theatre?" asked Willow.
"Why ever not." I replied. "I feel we could do anything after today. In fact, I feel quite 'Wicked'."

Sunday 23rd October 1811

2011-10-23T08:01:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
We have a long hard ride to London.
I am sure my Python has the stamina. I hope Willow's 'Homeau' is just as hardy.

Saturday 22nd October 1811

2011-10-22T21:50:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
I was selecting my wardrobe for London when I was called down by Mrs Crutchlow and found Cain standing in the hallway.
" I have come to invite you for a final ride upon my Knob."
"A tempting offer," I replied 'but I fear I am otherwise occupied at the present time."
"Tomorrow then?" He asked.
I shook my head.
"I am sorry," I answered "I have a previous appointment."
"Pity," he sighed, "For come Monday it shall be too late."
"The deal is sealed?" I was taken aback.
"Not as we stand here," he smiled "but I have signed the papers and returned them. Upon their arrival Monday morning the hill shall be mine."
If he had followed those words with 'Muahahahahahahahahahaha!' it would not have been out of place.

Friday 21st October 1811

2011-10-21T23:40:00.003+01:00

Dear Diary,
Such a splendid eve spent in the company of Misses Foster and Dixon yesterday.
I told them of the troubles with 'my' Knob and of our impending journey to London in our bid to outflank Cain.
I perceived by the manner in which Miss Dixon sliced into her lamb balls that she held no affection for my brother.
"If only we could lay our hands upon the Longbird fortune," she said between mouthfuls, " for then I am sure we should be able to acquire it for our own."
If only, indeed!

Thursday 20th October 1811

2011-10-20T22:52:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
We are to Nethermouth for dinner with the Misses Foster and Dixon.

Tuesday 18th October 1811

2011-10-18T21:20:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

Arrangements have been made and we are to London at the weekend.

Cain must not know of our visit and so we are telling no one of our plans.

I trust you can keep a secret.

Monday 17th October 1811

2011-10-17T22:41:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Opposition to Cain's mining up on the Knob is burgeoning. I was twice halted in Cobbler's Bottom by towns folk keen to offer help. This all follows on from yesterdays visit by Ned and Titty.
Titty believes her Pork Hunt would be a wonderful start to raising funds to purchase the Knob for ourselves.
She proposes the slaughter of one of their pigs and then hiding pieces of the divided carcase about the woodland upon the Knob. Those fellows keen for a little pork would purchase tickets to thrash about the Knob hunting for the meat.
I confess I was rendered speechless.

Sunday 16th October 1811

2011-10-16T22:42:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Yesterday was a glorious autumnal day and Willow and I rode out around the Nethers to enjoy the sunshine.
We circumnavigated the wooded shores of a pretty lakelet before journeying home by way of Netherton, stopping to enjoy another evening at the theatre.
Today Jenny Tull caught up with us on our way home from Chapel with the news that she had finally discovered the whereabouts of the true owner of the Knob.
It would seem that he lives in London.
Perhaps he can be persuaded to change his mind.
I shall have to make arrangements to visit London as soon as possible.
This evening brought two visitors to Knob End.
I opened the door to find Ned and Titty upon the threshold.
"Pardon, our intrusion upon your evening Mr Austen," said Ned, "but we would like to tell you about Titty's Pork Hunt."

Friday 14th October 1811

2011-10-14T20:56:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
The week has been quite lengthy and dull.
I have spent much time buried in my Fanny Burney and on occasions fingering my instrument.
Today has been quite an ordeal however.
Mrs Crutchlow is away visiting family for the weekend and Harden Thicke returned home after lunch as his Dick was looking a little limp and shivering so due to the cold.
I shall not burden you with the circumstances of how I came to be in the privy but as I opened the door to leave I was confronted by a large toad in the hallway beyond.
Why do these creatures insist upon invading my home?
It lunged towards me and I retreated, hastily, back into the privy where I remained until Willow returned from school, some four hours later.
Happily he discovered the creature in a dark corner of one of the guest rooms and returned it to the garden.
Such a relief for I would scarce have slept a wink tonight.

Monday 10th October 1811

2011-10-10T23:52:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
We have been to Netherton for a little 'thespic' entertainment with mother and father.
The journey home was wet and misty and I feel uncomfortably moist.
I am quite exhausted and ready for my cot.
Goodnight.

Sunday 8th October 1811

2011-10-09T22:21:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
I do believe someone is not getting their fair share of precipitation.
My garden has had more than enough and although I have been contemplating a water feature I fear the one I possess at present is not to my liking.
I shall set Harden Thicke to draining it when he arrives on the morrow.
I pressed Mrs Crutchlow into making a Nethershire Parkin and some oat biscuits whilst I bathed before a roaring fire upstairs.
I returned downstairs and found Willow seated by the fire and peering at his lap. He beckoned me closer and I bent lower for closer inspection.
There upon his breeches lay that troublesome gnat. It appeared to be upon its back with its legs wriggling around.
The parlour door opened but we were too transfixed upon the struggling insect to look up.
"Oh my!" I gasped, "look how it is engorged with blood!"
There was a clatter behind us and an oat biscuit rolled across the floor and came to rest upon Willow's shoe.
We looked up.
"Do beg my pardon, sirs," blushed Mrs Crutchlow bending to gather the fallen biscuits and tray.
"I'll pop back later."
She disappeared and we returned our attention to the gnat.

Saturday 8th October 1811

2011-10-08T20:40:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
A miserable day outdoors meant we were compelled to find indoor distraction.
I found distraction in my Fanny Burney until there was a knock upon the door.
It was Ned come to offer us his plums.
It was the highlight of the day.

Thursday 6th October 1811

2011-10-06T21:18:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
The rodent may have gone but we are pestered by a gnat!
It has surely come in out of the persistent rain and attempts to feed upon us at its leisure.
How strange it must appear to view us suddenly slapping at our faces and necks or violently swiping at the air.
T'would surely appear we suffer madness.

Wednesday 5th October 1811

2011-10-05T21:12:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
I was seated beneath the beech, upon Ned's erection, fingering my instrument in a dry interval between the rain showers, when I was startled by a voice;
"Pardon, Sir." It was Jenny Tull. "I 'ave some information."
I was under the impression that The Knob was 'common land' but it would appear that is not so. Mrs Tull imparted to me that Cain has been in correspondence with its true owner who has been swayed by his offer to buy. Cain's frequent visits to Netherton were part of his efforts to find allies in raising funds to buy the hill.
"Does the owner live in Netherton?" I enquired.
"I do not believe they do," said Jenny Tull, " I believe Mr Austen has only conversed with the gentlman by letter."
"Do you know how much my brother has offered?"
"I am sorry, I do not." I thought she was about to weep.
"Mrs Tull, I am very grateful for the information you have provided thus far. Please do not fret. If you find this all too taxing I shall press you no further for your help."
She smiled weakly.
"No, Mr Austen, I shall endeavour to seek out the answers to your questions as soon as is possible."
She pulled her shawl up against the wind and hurried back to the Grange.

Monday 3rd October 1811

2011-10-03T21:09:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
I still live.
I have taken up the mandolin as my new hobby but today find my fingertips quite numb.
It feels most strange and I almost sent for Doctor Llewellyn Dowd until Willow assured me it was due to over fingering my instrument.
I had hoped to sit astride Ned's erection and practise my fingering further today but alas, the weather is once more returned to its usual wet and windy nature.
What news of 'my' Knob?
I sense your curiosity.
I have enlisted the help of Jenny Tull, who is becoming a frequent caller here at Knob End. She is also not enamoured of my brother and his ways and so is keen to help me discover all that I can about his plans.
When I discover anything of interest I shall record it here.

Friday 30th September 1811

2011-09-30T22:02:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
I am unsure if it is due to the unseasonal warm weather or the constant anxiety I feel since Cain's revelation but today I have felt unwell.
I lay upon the chaise with the drapes drawn to shade me from the sun.
Mrs Crutchlow offered me a nibble of her soft, warm baps but I declined.
I feared the mastication would make me perspire more.

Thursday 29th September 1811

2011-09-29T21:57:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Yet another sultry day.
The sight of Harden Thicke wielding his chopper in the garden, naked to the waist, certainly helped in keeping my mind off 'my' Knob.

Wednesday 28th September 1811

2011-09-28T22:40:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Although I feel crushed by Cain's dreadful news, life goes on.
Grey clouds and rain would have suited my mood today and yet for once it was not to be. The sun came out in all its glory and the day was glorious. No doubt those swallows that left for warmer climes are pecking themselves in vexation.
Today is my Mother's birthday. She and Father had left early in the afternoon, spurred on by the weather, to spend a weekend at their cottage retreat that overlooks Nethercombe Bay.
Willow and I rode thither later in the day to surprise her and offer our birthday greetings since we had not had the opportunity earlier in the day.
The journey was pleasant and the sunset quite magnificent and I almost forgot that 'my' Knob was gravely threatened. We arrived at dusk and caught her by surprise in her night gown but she was pleased to see us.
We did not intrude long and rode home by way of Netherside where we called at an Inn for refreshment, Two Fighting Cocks. I enjoyed my steak but Willow was disappointed with his Wexford chicken and exclaimed it to be far too peppery. I was not surprised at his disappointment for it was also covered in cheese! We rode the leafy lanes home in the dark. At one point I was nearly thrown from Python when a deer leapt out upon the path ahead.
We arrived home just as Mrs Tull was leaving Knob End. She had called upon Mrs Crutchlow while my parents were away seeking her advice upon their favourite dishes and other tips on how to run the kitchen up at The Grange.
"Feel free to call again any time Mrs Tull," I said.
"There you go, now you have no excuse," smiled Mrs Crutchlow, "Bye Jenny, and mind you don't over butter them crumpets!"

Tuesday 27th September 1811

2011-09-27T22:16:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Forgive my neglect.
I received some dreadful news whilst at dinner with my family on Sunday up at the Grange.
The meal was cooked by the new house-keeper Mrs Tull.
It was pleasant but I must confess it was not up to the standard of Mrs Crutchlow's roast dinners.
The conversation was for the most part inane and polite until I mentioned my intention, after dinner, of mounting The Knob.
"Enjoy it whilst you can, dear brother," smiled Cain from behind his glass of port.
"I do not understand," I replied, "what are you implying?"
"Well...," his smugness was infuriating, " I am afraid all public access is shortly to be prohibited..." He paused and sipped his port and then continued;
"... once the mining starts."
"The mining?" I spluttered.
"Indeed, the whole hill is a veritable gold mine." He was enjoying my surprise.
"They are to mine gold on The Knob?" I could not believe it.
Cain laughed.
"Not 'they' brother, 'I' and it is not gold, you buffoon! It is coal!"
Can there be anything worse than losing one's Knob?
Oh Diary, what is to be done?

Sunday 25th September 1811

2011-09-25T22:42:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Today I have received dreadful news.
I am utterly shocked.
I cannot write for now.
I must gather my wits.

Saturday 24th September 1811

2011-09-25T00:02:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
Willow is very much taken with his 'Homeau' and has ridden him often since his arrival.
Yesterday morn, whilst he was out upon one of his rides, I received a visitor.
I was just descending the stairs when there came a knock upon the door.
Mrs Crutchlow hurried out to open it and then promptly shut it again.
"Its 'him!' She spat returning to the Kitchen.
I opened the door again.
"I trust you will not allow that insolent woman to get way with that!" Cain was livid as he pointed his crop at me.
"She is her own woman with her own opinions and tastes. I am afraid brother you are not to her taste and therefore shall have to live with her rejection of you. I am sure you are man enough to weather it after all you did survive an encounter with ferocious tiger whist in India, did you not?"
"Indeed," he said slapping his crop to his thigh.
"And to what end do we owe the pleasure of your visit?" I smiled.
"I am to invite you and your Willy to dinner tomorrow after Chapel," he said.
"His name is Willow," I corrected.
"Well, whatever. Shall I say you accept?"
"Of course!" I tried to sound delighted. "Nothing pleases me more than spending time in the bosom of my family."
"Until then." He nodded and stalked off.
I closed the door.
"Bosom of your family indeed! If they are a bosom then he is the biggest pimple on it," snorted Mrs Crutchlow who had crept back out behind the door to eavesdrop.
"Yes, indeed, like a wart, a third enormous nip......"
"Thank you, Mrs Crutchlow!" I interrupted. "I am in need of a stiff one. Would you be so kind as to fetch it?"
The evening brought the revelation of the reason for Willow's mysterious absences of late.
He told me we were to see a play and we rode in the evening to a woodland on the shores of Nethermere.
Such delightful surroundings they were as we took our seats upon a woodland stump.
The play was just about to begin when he excused himself saying he was in need of some refreshment.
Imagine my surprise when it transpired he was one of the 'thespians'!
Indeed he was one of a trio of witches who howled and shrieked over their cauldron and foretold 'doom' in all that followed. They were not incorrect.
It was a tad on the morbid side for my tastes and practically the whole cast ended up dead but I applauded with the rest of the audience. I sensed they were as relieved as I at its conclusion.
"I wish you had told me sooner," I said as we rode home, "I perhaps could have played a part. I am well known in these parts for my 'Dick' and am sure I would have drawn a healthier audience. Many have said it to be the best portrayal of 'Whittington' they have ever seen."
He spurred Homeau on and I could scarcely keep up.
I have risen early before Chapel to appraise you of yesterdays events.
I shall see you again afore bed.

Friday 23rd September 1811

2011-09-23T19:12:00.003+01:00

Dear Diary,
I rose early before even Willow stirred and fetched his present from its hiding place at Thrushcock Grange.
I fastened it to Ned's erection beneath the beech tree and went in to waken him.
I asked him to cover his eyes and led him into the parlour in his night gown.
"Is it a mini-goat?" He asked eagerly.
"No," I replied. "Open your eyes and see."
He did and gasped in surprise.
There in the garden stood the beautiful chestnut stallion I had acquired for him at some expense.
"I do hope it will follow your command," I said a little unsure. "I have had it shipped from a highly recommended stud in France. The Countess Cornelia Du Plessis acquires all her horses from them. "
Willow was already hurrying outside.
"Perhaps you should dress first," I called after him, but he had gone.
I hurried out just in time to see him swing up onto its back. His nightshirt rode up.
I could see he was excited.
"What shall I call him?" He smiled from astride his birthday present.
"Homeau!" I replied.

Willow - For it is he.

Thursday 22nd September 1811

2011-09-22T22:36:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Today I had to bravely venture up to the Grange and risk an encounter with Cain.
Tomorrow is Willow's birthday and I had to ensure his gift was collected and stored safely until the time arrives for its revelation.
I dare not reveal it to you now for I suspect Willow peeks in upon you.
You shall have to wait until tomorrow...like he.

Wednesday 21st September 1811

2011-09-21T22:47:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
I am once again abed, quill in hand scratching upon your ivory pages, alone.
Willow is yet again otherwise engaged. These past three days he has left early for school and returned late. He assures me that I should not be perturbed by his absence.
I am.
Happily Ned has now finished his erection in the garden.
He arrived today with little Annie.
"I am sorry Mr Austen, but it is my turn to mind the little 'un."
"She can come and help me," smiled Mrs Crutchlow, holding out a wooden spoon. "We can make some cakes, can't we Annie?"
They retired to the kitchen.
Ned sighed.
"I do find it hard to keep 'er interested when I 'ave her. I know she prefers bein' with 'er Mother. You can't deny the bondage between a Mother and her daughter, can you, Mr Austen?"
"Indeed," I smiled and he went off into the garden with his tools.
Later he called me over.
"It's finished. What do you think?"
"It is wonderful Ned!" I did not lie. "You really have a gift for working wood. I particularly like the way it curves with the grain and how the arm rests appear part of the overhanging tree itself."
He smiled with pride.
"Well, if anything Mr Austen, 'av always been remorseful!"

Tuesday 20th September 1811

2011-09-20T23:12:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Willow returned home yester eve just as I was at my wits end.
He was quite mysterious as to his whereabouts until that late hour and said I should not fret.
He informs me he shall return late tonight also and that if necessary I should to bed afore him.
I am grateful for the company of the Misses Forster and Dixon this evening as they called upon me to see something of my Knob End.
They are quite taken with it.
I am not surprised.

Monday 19th September 1811

2011-09-19T22:37:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
The hour is late and Willow has not yet returned home from the School House in Cobbler's Bottom.
I am troubled!

Sunday 18th September 1811

2011-09-18T23:56:00.003+01:00

Dear Diary,
We took Mr Griffiths out for Brunch and showed him something of our Nethers.
We spent a pleasant afternoon wandering the grounds of Nethernook Castle.
I am certain Mr Griffiths would have been keen to see the Fingering Hole but after my last experience down there I remained taciturn upon its existence.
The weather was somewhat showery but Mr Griffiths, ever prepared, drew a colourful rain shade from his handbag as we wandered beneath the yew.
He laughed off a difficult moment when he stepped in a patch of ochreous mud which ruined his pastel coloured mules.
We returned to Knob End for tea and after enjoying a large cream puff Mr Griffiths returned to Manchesterford upon 'Princess.'
It has been a delightful weekend.

Saturday 17th September 1811

2011-09-17T23:55:00.003+01:00

Dear Diary,
The first of our guests arrived just after midday.
I was alerted to his arrival by the sound of heavy breathing through the open bedroom window as I was making final adjustments to my welcome attire.
I discovered it was the four horses pulling the coach that were panting so heavily.
My good friend Mr McVay had arrived from his home upon the coast.
Willow, Mrs Crutchlow and I were still trying to extricate him from his coach when our second guest Mr Griffiths, from Manchesterford, approached upon his sprightly steed 'Princess'. With his help, and a little of the lubricant he always carried in his saddlebag, we were able to finally welcome Mr McVay properly.
We adjourned to the parlour and chatted happily over tea.
Mr Griffiths told us of his new enterprise and expertise in the field of diamonds and his growing love of all things Indian, while Mr McVay, between mouthfuls of Mrs Crutchlow's delicious biscuits, told us of his new found skill in fashioning dresses for young women and of a marvellous experience recently in London that left him quite breathless.
"I should think most things leave you quite breathless," quipped Mr Griffiths cocking his head so jauntily that the ostrich feather in his hat almost quivered out!
Mr McVay showed us some etchings he had made of a gentleman acquaintance in London 'deshabillé''.
I was so shocked I bit into my éclair somewhat too sharply and ended up with cream up my nostrils.
We ventured to the shores of Netherwater for some fresh air and sat upon a rug listening to the lapping water.
Mr Griffiths told us further tales of India while Mr McVay happily ate two éclairs at once.
A gentleman approached in haste but as he drew near apologised;
"Oh, I am sorry," he said "from a distance I believed I saw a beached walrus but I see I am mistaken now," and he scurried away.
Once more in the pleasant surrounds of Knob End we enjoyed a delicious Italian meal that Willow had created.
How talented he is!
Mr McVay had to return to the coast in the evening to trim some fat quarters.
We sent him off with some of the 'Fukatcha' bread Willow had baked.
We have all enjoyed a very pleasant day indeed.

Friday 16th September 1811

2011-09-16T22:09:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
A day of activity and preparation for tomorrow we entertain friends.

Thursday 15th September 1811

2011-09-15T23:00:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Such a bright and cloudless sky was a welcome greeting as I parted my drapes this morn.
I avoided mounting The Knob for my constitutional as Mrs Crutchlow informs me it has become a favoured haunt of my 'dear' brother these past weeks when he is at The Grange.
I wandered through the woods and past the Chapel and noticed nigh on fifty swallows lined up upon the ridge of the roof. How typical that upon the sunniest of days since our return from Queensland they make their preparations for departure from us.
On my return I espied Ned elbow deep in a heifer in a quiet corner of one of his meadows. He waved with his free hand before removing the other and wandering over to me by the hedge.
"Lovely day for it, Mr Austen," he smiled.
"Indeed," I said, " whatever it is you were doing to that poor beast."
"Nah," he said, "I don't mean 'insperminating' I mean a lovely day for walking."
"Oh," I said.
"I bet I know what you're going to do," he said pointing up at The Knob with a soiled finger.
I shook my head.
"I am eschewing The Knob today, Ned." I sighed.
A sudden uneasiness came over him and he looked around uncomfortably.
"What you do in the privacy of your home is nowt to do wi' me." He blushed.

Wednesday 14th September 1811

2011-09-14T21:02:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
It is always a pleasure to start the morning with a warm sausage inside one.
Despite the vexation and upset I have caused I am happy to have Mrs Crutchlow at my stove.
This afternoon she walked in upon me in the parlour with my lips pressed to Willow's pink oboe.
"He allows me to," I smiled guiltily.
She ran her duster over my knick-knacks.
I took a deep breath.
"Mrs Crutchlow, " I began, "I feel...er...bound to inform you, now that you are a trusted member of this household of the...er...true nature of my...er...bond with Willow..."
She turned from buffing my Norma Stitts and held up a hand.
"Forgive my interruption but there is no need for any further explanation. I have always known you to be...,"
the hesitation was now hers,"...a confirmed bachelor, Mr Austen."
She smiled and returned to her task and I relaxed into my chair and cast a gaze outside to the garden beyond.
"It pleases me to see you so happy," she said.

Tuesday 13th September 1811

2011-09-13T22:47:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
My vengeful actions have returned to haunt me!
The afternoon brought a tearful Mrs Crutchlow to my threshold.
She had been a reluctant ally in the presentation of the additional ingredient upon Cain's Sunday lunch platter.
"Oh, Mr Austen," she wept," I no longer work at the Grange."
"You have been dismissed?" I asked, aghast.
"Oh no!" She sobbed, "I have departed of my own accord. I cannot work in that kitchen again whilst your brother is under that roof. He has been nothing if not nasty and rude towards me since Sunday and I shall not stand for it."
I was full of remorse.
"I shall, at once, make haste to the Grange and confess my part in this matter."
"You are indeed a gentleman," said Mrs Crutchlow, drying her tears, "but my mind is made up. Your brother is a prick."
"Prig," I corrected.
"No, he is a prick!" She said determinedly.
"Then you shall grace my kitchen." I smiled.
"Oh no! Mr Austen, I did not come here to seek employment."
"No matter, I insist and shall be glad of it and perhaps on occasion, " I rubbed my hands in glee, " you will allow me to knead your baps!"

Monday 12th September 1811

2011-09-12T21:50:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Today I am troubled with wind!
I would have ridden up The Knob but most probably would have been blown off!

Sunday 11th September 1811

2011-09-11T14:16:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
The 'Fates' have been as kind today as they were unkind yesterday!
No sooner had I entered the kitchen this morning than 'that' rodent came scurrying along the floor towards me!
I swear there was malevolence in its eyes.
I leapt in to the air and upon landing looked around to ascertain its whereabouts and by happy fortune my left foot had come down upon the tip of its tail. It was all I could do not to scream and lift my foot to release it but I gathered my wits and grabbing a pot finally had the beast captured.
I am unsure if there was Divine Intervention but whilst at Chapel this morning a wonderful and yet heinous idea found its way into my head.
So, at lunch this afternoon up at The Grange, it just so happened that as Titty raised the cloche upon my dear brother's roast beef he found a mouse sitting quite comfortably in his Yorkshire pudding.
I must say for someone who had encountered a tiger whilst in India, he did seem most alarmed at the sight of a tiny mouse!

Saturday 10th September 1811

2011-09-10T23:43:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

Imagine my horror when the hour came for me to tickle your crisp ivory pages with my quill yester-eve only to discover 'that' rodent sat upon you as you rested upon my escritoire.

I retreated for the assistance of Willow but upon our return the infernal creature had vanished once again.

We shut the door tight in the hope of containing it and slept in one of the guest bedrooms.
I have spent much of the day today crouched outside my room, peering through the half open door with an empty tea caddy waiting for the creature to reveal its whereabouts so that I might trap it.
A number of times I espied its snout twitching from behind the linen chest but the effrontery it has shown in times past appears to have waned.
Finally, I could take no more and calling upon Willow we entered the room and shut the door behind us sealing all possible exits with fresh linen. My dander was up and I was determined to regain control over mine own house.
We pulled back the linen chest and it scurried under the bed. Upon moving the bed it dashed under the wardrobe. Such a merry dance of back and forth it lead us until at last in a flurry a frantic activity I brought down the caddy and we had it!
We set the room to rights once more and then reaching for a book from my bedside cabinet carefully slipped the hard flat cover beneath the upturned caddy and lifted it and its contents.
Though my hands shook I kept a tight grip upon book and caddy and we ventured out. I was keen to put as much distance as possible between the creature and Knob End when the time came to release it.
Passing the Grange we encountered Cain as he was making his way to the stables.
"Precious cargo?" he smirked.
"If you must know," I snapped, "it is the beastly rodent that has made my house its own these past months and I am to be rid of it at last."
Cain laughed.
"There was a time in India, dear brother, when I came across a tiger on our path. How would you have fared then if your nerves quiver at a tiny mouse?"
He disappeared into the stables with his amusement and my hands shook now with anger.
We walked on through the woods and past the Chapel before I realised we were fast approaching Cobbler's End and so we decided we had gone far enough. I could not release it near the home of those good ladies.
I stopped and carefully laid the book and caddy upon the ground and taking a deep breath snatched the caddy away.
Nothing!
I could not comprehend it. I was certain we had it caught. The infernal beast was still at large in Knob End!
I snatched up the book and only then noticed it to be a volume of the poetry of Robert Burns. I opened it and can you believe it? There was his poem....
'To a Mouse.'

Thursday 8th September 1811

2011-09-08T20:53:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
How dreadful is the weather!
It is a wonder that the swallows are still here!
Ned called upon me to apologise for being unable to continue to work on his erection in recent days.
"I am aware that it is a busy time for agriculturalists everywhere." I sympathised. "Please do not torment yourself. I am in no rush for its completion and indeed, with the weather as inclement as it is at present I doubt I would be able to venture out and enjoy its pleasant accommodation."
He thanked me and then asked if I had seen ought of my brother.
I nodded.
"Forgive my impotence, Mr Austen..." he began,
"Impertinence," I corrected.
"...and I know he is your brother, but I do not like the fellow..." he continued.
I sighed.
"I am sorry if I speak out of place but I find 'im rude and vulva!"
"Vulgar," I spluttered and held up my hand to quieten him.
"Ned, how facund of you." I said.
He looked abashed.
"No, " I continued, "that is a compliment and I confess I am inclined to concur with your views upon him. I am just thankful he is spending so much time away in Netherton these past days."
"Aye!" he agreed, "no doubt he is 'rumping' with all manner of protestants....tutes!"

Wednesday 7th September 1811

2011-09-07T17:56:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
I am preparing seedlings for my garden. I have already tried to raise some Aubretia seedlings outdoors but only succeeded in feeding the slugs.
I am determined to have this lovely flower cascading from my herbaceous borders and thus have some seedlings now upon an upstairs window-sill safe indoors from those hideous slimy creatures.
I have seen or heard nought of that impudent rodent since our return. I can only assume it left our home out of lack of company.
I saw Cain approaching along the lane this afternoon but hid in my closet at his knocking. When it subsided I peeked into the garden and saw him conversing with Harden Thicke. I saw Harden gesticulate towards the house and then shrug those broad, muscular shoulders. Cain turned and looked towards the house and I dropped to me knees and almost did myself some mischief. When I next dared to look Cain had gone and Harden was back to his raking.
How strange it is not to have Willow around now that he is back teaching at the school during the day. I feel quite idle and need to find something to occupy my hands.

Tuesday 6th September 1811

2011-09-06T22:49:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
We enjoyed an interesting evening of musical entertainment in Nethercastle close to the Pleasure Grounds at Gibside yester-eve. The songstresses named Krystle and Joan had magificent sets of lungs and knew how to belt out a pleasing ditty.
Today Willow was back at the school house in preparation for the new school year.
Harden Thicke once more returned to his duties in the garden and I was able to thank him for all his efforts whilst we have been away in Queensland.
I asked after his Dick but he had left it at home as he said it appeared to be a little under the weather. I told him of Miss Lott and Miss Noring's Merkin.
"Perhaps it will perk up your Dick to see it." I offered helpfully.

Monday 5th September 1811

2011-09-05T14:57:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
We ride to Nethercastle for an evenings musical entertainment and return on the morrow.

Sunday 4th September 1811

2011-09-04T21:56:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
The perfect day for outdoor activities and yet we remained inside. I thought it best to save all my energies for the luncheon in the afternoon.
We wandered up to the Grange sometime after three.
Fanny greeted us with a cheerful smile and lead us into the parlour. Mother was sewing by the fire and Father was reading. They both rose to greet us.
"And where is my dear brother," I asked.
"He is to Netherton, on business," said my Father.
"What business?" I was curious but happy and relieved at his absence.
"He did not offer up any details," said Mother returning to her sewing.
"And I hardly cared to ask," said Fanny, "now sit and tell us of your adventures." She patted the sofa beside her. It was covered with hairs from her pussy but I acquiesced.
Mrs Crutchlow had prepared a magnificent repast of roast lamb.
It was wonderful to be home in the bosom of my family.

Saturday 3rd September 1811

2011-09-03T23:08:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
I was awakened by the sound of someone tapping upon wood.
It was Ned working away on his erection beneath the chestnut tree. I ventured outside to see him and startled him as I approached him from behind.
"I thought you were a woodpecker," I said.
"I thought you were 'incontinent'," he said.
I gleaned his meaning.
"I am returned from Queensland these past two days but you were most probably too busy tending your bullocks to notice."
It began to rain heavily.
"Leave that and go home," I urged him as I hastily returned indoors.
The rain fell constantly for the rest of the day.
How I missed the sunny days of Queensland.

Friday 2nd September 1811

2011-09-02T23:04:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
My happy return has been somewhat overshadowed by the unexpected appearance of my brother Cain Austen.
By all accounts it would appear that his arrival was not that unexpected and indeed my family knew of his intentions even before I left for Queensland but declined, nay, decided against informing me. As I recall Mother did mention receiving an epistle shortly before my departure but Father quietened her. I do not blame him for surely it would have ruined my sojourn away.
He is returned from India after quelling some rebellion there. How lucky are those Indians to be free of him at last!
It is no secret that my brother and I are somewhat estranged and I confess the ill feelings I have toward him are grounded in his poor and spiteful treatment of me in our youth.
I am ill at ease with his return.
Consequently I have avoided visiting the Grange today and thus my parents and Fanny were bound to call upon me at Knob End.
We are invited to lunch after Chapel on Sunday. I dread it.
I mounted Python and rode upon the Knob until the threat of perspiration forced me to dismount and take in the view.
"Magnificent, isn't it?" It was the last voice I wanted to intrude upon my solitude.
I turned to face him.
"Wayne," he continued, "I sincerely desire and hope that we can start anew and you can find it in your good and decent heart to forgive the folly of my youth."
He took a step closer and began to idly toss and catch the dark rock he was holding in his hand.
"It is time to repair our fraternal relationship, don't you think?" He pocketed the rock and held out his hand.
It was dirty.
"You know I am right on this matter, come brother, shake upon it."
He saw me looking at his outstretched hand. He glanced at it himself and withdrew it, wiping it upon his breeches before offering it once more.
After a further moment of hesitation I took it.
His grip was firm and I squeezed back as hard as I could.
There is nothing worse than a feeble handshake and in this instance I was determined not to be found guilty of such a transgression.
He smiled with satisfaction and moving to my side we both turned to the view once again.
"So...," he began, "...this is where Cousin Evelyn died?"

Thursday 1st September 1811

2011-09-01T23:56:00.073+01:00

Dear Diary,
One cannot deny the excitement I felt as we approached the Nethers.
How green everything was although sadly the sun was obscured by a blanket of sombre cloud and did not show its face in friendly greeting. I strained from the window for a glimpse of my Knob and saw it standing proud above the weald.
I waved the driver on past Thrushcross Grange eager to see Knob End. There will be time later to regale my family with tales of my adventures.
The house looked much as I had left it and I left Willow struggling with his unwieldy instrument to rush indoors.
I confess since observing the ravages at Frogknot of the rodent infestation there that I had feared for my drapery and soft furnishings but I was pleasantly surprised to find all was well and indeed there appeared to be no evidence of the cunning beast that I had suspected was gnawing upon my knick-knacks.
I suspected the hand of Mrs Crutchlow in the obvious neatness about the place and smiled at familiarity and comfort of my own surroundings once more.
I moved to the parlour window and looked out upon the garden. I could see that Harden Thicke had been very industrious in my absence. A wide area had been weeded and raked and looked ready to be sown with seed for the lawn and over to the right there was a goodly sized area turned over and neatly bordered with stones that was to be our vegetable garden. I clasped my hands in joy at the sight and then I saw it, there beneath the branches of the Chestnut tree, semi erect, Ned's erection. Though not yet finished I gasped at its magnificence and hurried out to try examine it more closely. I pushed past Willow struggling in through the door with our luggage and out into the garden.
As I approached across the partly laid pathway I was suddenly halted in my steps by the sight of someone already seated upon 'my' erection. It was not anyone I recognised certainly and I moved on at apace and cleared my throat;
"Ahem! Excuse me, I think you will find that this is private property and you, sir, are trespassing upon it! I urge you quickly to retreat or I shall have need to call upon my my hefty man servant to remove you forthwith!"
The fellow did not move as I came up behind him. I waited for some response and when it came I was dumbstruck!
"Oh surely there is no call for that," said a voice I recognised, " after all, I am family."
He stood and turned round and there was that familiar sneering smile and those duplicitous eyes.
"Come brother, embrace me," he said as he held out his arms.
I was utterly stunned and stood my ground. I felt myself trembling like a rabbit cornered by a fox.
"Hello, Cain," I managed to find my voice.
"What a pleasant surprise."
I lied.

Wednesday 31st August 1811

2011-08-31T23:54:00.003+01:00

Dear Diary,
Happily we are fortunate enough to be travelling home in a better class than whence we came.
How I love to see the World go by and what a wide and varied World it is.
I have even managed to get some rest, something that I never usually accomplish whilst getting tossed and jerked.
As the distance between us shortens I can scarcely wait to be acquainted once more with my Knob End!

Tuesday 30th August 1811

2011-08-30T23:53:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
Such a thunder storm to see us off!
I swear the Heavens are crying and roaring in sorrow at our departure!
We spent much of the morning wrestling with Willow's huge instrument, trying to contain it safely so that it comes to no harm during our peregrination.
When the time came to bid farewell to Old Ma Woofter I was quite emotional.
I have very much enjoyed my time in Queensland. As we drew away from the Acacia Ridge homestead in Quinella Crane's conveyance, silent tears slid down my cheeks as Willow placed a comforting hand upon my shoulder.

Monday 29th August 1811

2011-08-29T23:51:00.003+01:00

Dear Diary,

Today is our last full day in Queensland!
How quick the time has flown. We took a little time to ourselves after all the social intercourse and gossip with Willow's friends and family and wandered the beaches about Burleigh Head and climbed the headland itself to enjoy the air and the view. In just a few days I will be able to mount The Knob and enjoy its delights once more, stroke my Python and hopefully clap eyes upon Ned's erection at Knob End!
Whilst in my whimsy upon that headland there was a sudden screeching sound and we were set upon by a mob of lorikeets that flew down from the trees about us, alighting upon our shoulders and arms and, yay, even upon out heads as they twittered and carried on!
Willow appeared to be amused at my consternation but his smile was wiped away when one of the colourful birds evacuated its tiny avian bowels down the side of his face.
It was my turn to be amused at 'his' consternation!

Sunday 28th August 1811

2011-08-28T23:49:00.003+01:00

Dear Diary,
Today is the three year anniversary of my meeting Willow.
How could one celebrate such a wondrous and life changing event?
Unfortunately not in the way we had hoped for Willow's Kith and Kin had arranged a family feast in honour of our impending departure.
"Do you like little baby Jesus?" asked Kith, or was it Kin?
"I do try to attend chapel as often as I may," I replied, " though I must confess it is probably more due to the desire of getting my fingers upon the Parson's organ rather than religious fervour."
Kin, or was it Kith, looked upon me with some discombobulation as they produced a plate piled high with little baby cheeses!
I resisted the urge to partake but enjoyed the apple cake dessert.
I must urge Mrs Crutchlow to make one.
In the evening Willow introduced me to the Kransky Sisters from Esk. I found the spinsters quite dour and plain but enjoyed their company very much and marvelled at the way Sister Dawn blew a horn.

Saturday 27th August 1811

2011-08-27T23:47:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
Such a damp day here in Queensland!
It is something I am certainly not used to in these parts and reminded me more of my damp Nethers!
The perfect day for staying indoors and so we did.

Friday 26th August 1811

2011-08-26T20:59:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
Today we went in search of rubber products to protect Willow's large instrument on the long journey home to Knob End, a journey that is almost upon us. Happily he found something that suited him and we returned to Acacia Ridge for luncheon with his mother. The afternoon found us in Edinglassie where the charming Quinella Crane needed to see a fellow about a Red Dog.
Our evening was spent at Quinella's newly decorated residence where we engaged in the oriental art of Mah-jong.
Yet again our entertainment was interrupted by mysterious noises outside which on this occasion, by all accounts, was a flying fox!
How marvellous! I would love to see such a beast!
Imagine the consternation of the Netherton Hunt if I was able to return home with one of those!

Thursday 25th August 1811

2011-08-25T23:40:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
I slept well and awoke refreshed.
The day was somewhat overcast and so decided to remain indoors rather than gad about.
I welcomed the lethargy. We have been so mobile of late!
Lady Constanza Snowdon called upon us for luncheon and a few games of canasta. Happily she had remembered my real name and did not once refer to me as 'Jim'.
Whilst playing we suddenly heard a raucous screeching.
"It is just the Hoons," said Willow.
"How raucous and unpleasant the bird calls here," I stated, " I much prefer the more melodious calls of home."
"Oh," exclaimed Lady Constanza, from behind her fan of cards, "I agree Mr Austen."
She paused deep in thought, as she regarded the cards upon the table, before continuing;
"In fact I miss it so much I had one sent over from England."
She chose a card from her hand and placed it purposefully upon the table and leaned towards Willow's mother.
"Did I tell you I have a little thrush?"
"Do you, Dear?" said Old Ma Woofter, "Then you should go see the apothecary!"

Wednesday 24th August 1811

2011-08-24T16:53:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
After finally succeeding in getting to sleep, on our last night at the farm, I was rudely awakened by the sound of bonking!
It seems my somnolence was interrupted by a Pobblebonk, an amphibious creature that lives outside in Willow's dam which 'bonks' all night! Once awake I had to suffer the rustling, skittering and scratching of the resident rodents.
How noisy is the night up here upon the Granite Belt!
When dawn finally came and the nocturnal creatures retired for their own slumber I finally managed to get some rest until I was awakened once more, by the eager tongue of Otto, Quinella's faithful companion.
We made preparations for our departure and then bade farewell to Frogknot.
We journeyed back to Acacia Ridge once more enjoying the Scenic Rim.
I look forward to an uninterrupted nights rest.

Tuesday 23rd August 1811

2011-08-23T23:28:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Willow informs me, after some investigation, that he believes the creature which fell upon us in the night is indeed a spider and that apparently it is the most venomous of them all and could even despatch a redback, whatever that is, except that it's fangs are too inadequate to bite humans.
"Ah, but what if I had trapped it with my hand when I slapped at my face in shock and forced it's tiny mandibles into my flesh?" I enquired.
He had no answer to that.
Today we made further repairs to the property and wandered its orchards before visiting some old neighbours in the valley. Two gentlewomen who put me in mind of the 'thespians' at Cobbler's End, Misses Lott and Noring. These women were hardy and had fashioned a delightful home amongst their impressive one hundred acres. They appeared to keep wolves for I noticed a pair tethered some distance from where we were entertained with platters of Mediterranean delicacies!
It was such a marvellous sunset through the trees and the light upon the hills was magnificent. I almost wished I had some implement that one could take out of ones pocket and capture the moment for all eternity.
I took a bathe in the tub upon the rock and the stars came out to illuminate my ablutions. Such a vast array of heavenly bodies filled the ceiling above me and I observed three race across it before I rose from the steaming waters to find the comfort of a robe. Lighting a lantern almost immediately I noticed two pairs of eyes shining in a nearby tree and called out in alarm. Willow came to my rescue once more informing me it was a harmless pair of ring tailed possums.
Such intrusive creatures!

Monday 22nd August 1811

2011-08-22T22:49:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Something fell upon my face in the darkness as I lay in bed. I do not know how I stop myself from crying out in alarm but suddenly Willow was also risen for the creature had also crawled across him. We sought light and scoured around but could see nought of the beast. I suspect it was a spider but am once more thankful for the darkness.
How kind is the dark!
We ventured into town seeking supplies and equipment for repairs at the farm and returned back into the hills.
I am bitten upon my upper thigh and it itches so. I know not what is the cause and have had it some two days so thankfully it cannot be one of the poisonous serpents hereabouts for if it were I should surely not be scribing upon you know.
I am promised a bath under the stars.
Willow has an old tub upon a rock at the back of the farm and before we leave I am to enjoy its pleasures.

Sunday 21st August 1811

2011-08-21T23:47:00.003+01:00

Dear Diary,
Another new place, another restless night.
There were such rustlings and creakings in the dark that I began to be thankful that it was dark and I could not see what was the cause of the nocturnal noises. I doubt I would ever have slept if I had really known what lurked in the shadows. There were indeed a few moments when I almost cried out;
"I am an Englishman! Get me out of here!" but I kept my pecker up and snuggled in closer to the snoring Willow.
The countryside hereabouts is quite beautiful. Even now as I write I am sat amongst large granite boulders and looking out to the valleys and hills beyond. The wind is whispering through the trees and I can hear a Kookybunty...a Kookybull....one of those birds with a strange laughing-like call.
I can see why Willow loves it here.

Saturday 20th August 1811

2011-08-20T23:43:00.003+01:00

Dear Diary,

We have arrived at Frogknot Farm, Willow's property here up on the Granite Belt. We gained access via the Scenic Rim at a place I feel certain will be called Cunningham's Gap one day.
We found the farm in some disrepair and there is much evidence of rodent infestation!
I fear for my Knob End having seen the havoc such small beasts can inflict upon a man's property.
We are endeavouring to tidy and clean as best we can.
Poor Willow is bereft at the sight of his former home.
I am sure all can be repaired in time though I fear the time is not now.

Friday 19th August 1811

2011-08-19T17:49:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
We are once more ensconced in the homestead at Acacia Ridge.
I was somewhat unwell last eve and was abed early and therefore missed out on a little pork.
Today has been filled with canasta and laundering but we are all set for our next venture up The Great Divide. We journey tomorrow in the delightful company of Quinella Crane and her faithful companion Otto to view some property, a pleasing forty acres that Willow owns up on The Granite Belt.
I am quite moist with excitement!

Thursday 18th August 1811

2011-08-18T23:11:00.004+01:00

Dear Diary,

The sky weeps farewell
Departing from the Orchids
Our hearts slowly break.

Wednesday 17th August 1811

2011-08-17T18:52:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
We are all quite drained after the dramatic events of the previous day but happily Sappho has been returned to the arms of the Orchid sisters. Yes indeed, for she was one of the pussies held captive by that feline felon, 'Huge' Jackman in the cavern beneath our very cliff top retreat. A number of the captured cats were returned to their delighted owners but quite a few are still unclaimed. Happily the Orchid sisters have declared an intention to leave Queanbeyan for good and move northwards to buy property on the banks of the mighty Maclean River and, as they are very fond of pussies, they are to take all the homeless captives with them and set up a Pussy Preserve!
How splendid!
As for 'Huge' Jackman it seems he was found somewhat the worse for wear washed up on the beach to the south and has been taken into custody, no doubt bound to spend the rest of his life in a remote and hopefully mosquito ridden penal colony.
Tomorrow we return to Queensland.

Tuesday 16th August 1811

2011-08-16T23:19:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
Fresh air always exhausts one and at last I found comfort in my cot and I slept...that is until I was awakened by a loud clap of thunder. A storm was moving in from across the sea. It also woke Willow. The previous evening had been one of Mah-jong and quaffing so Willow arose in need of some relief. He disappeared onto the verandah and returned almost immediately to hiss;
"There's someone out here!" He went to the window. "I think it's that fellow we got the key from."
"The mysterious 'Huge' Jackman." I breathed.
As I arrived at the window I was just able to see him disappearing into the privy, illuminated by a flash of lightening.
"I believe I saw him at this very hour last night up to the same mischief no doubt." I whispered to Willow.
We waited for him to return but he did not. Some twenty minutes must have passed and then Willow said "Let us go see what is going on." I was not very enthusiastic about this suggestion but reluctantly agreed.
We crept out across the grass towards the privy. The noise of the waves crashing below the cliff prevented us from hearing any other sounds. We listened intently at the door but could hear no movement from within. Willow pushed open the door and at the same moment a crash of thunder boomed over head. I gripped Willow's arm and stifled a scream. Peering in we could see part of the floor had been removed revealing a dark shaft. Willow leaned in and then dropped down it.
"Are you coming?" I heard him whisper.
Another clap of thunder persuaded me to remain with him and I too descended into the darkness. We found ourselves in a passageway hewn from the very rock itself. There was light ahead so we moved carefully forward. Suddenly there came the rumbling sound I had heard on previous nights though much louder now accompanied by the trembling of the rock all about us.
"That's the sea," whispered Willow, "I think this passage leads to that cave."
We drew nearer to the light and then heard the unmistakeable sound of a cat mewling. The passage opened out and we saw some steps leading down into a cavern and there in the lamplight we saw a number of small cages set about the rocks each containing a cat and in the centre, sat upon a rock, 'Huge' Jackman was stroking a pussy. I could not help myself and I gasped out loud at the horror of it.
'Huge' Jackman looked up and espied us.
"Oi!" he shouted and he leapt up.
We turned and hurried back up the passage way. I could hear Jackman close behind us. Willow climbed up into the privy first and then reached down to help me up. Just as I was almost out of the shaft I felt a huge hand slip up my nightshirt and grasp my thigh. I squealed as I felt myself being pulled back down and then the Orchid sisters appeared and grasping my arms with Willow hauled me clear.
We shut the privy door and clung to the handle as 'Huge' Jackman tried to wrench it open.
Suddenly Cordelia cried out;
"It is no use, just push! PUSH!"
She set her back to the privy and we all followed suit and tipped the whole thing over the cliff edge.
We watched as it plunged into the tormented waters below and sink beneath the waves.

Monday 15th August 1811

2011-08-15T23:33:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,

Once I again I lay in my cot awake as the rest of the house slept.

Yet again there was the distant rumbling and trembling in the night above the sound of the waves upon the shore below and sure enough in moments of lull the sound of a distant mewling came to my attentive ear. I was certain it was no unknown creature of the night for all the night creatures I have encountered thus far sound like the Devil himself! I peered through the window rather than venture outside as I had bravely done the previous night and gasped as almost immediately I saw a large shadow passing across the moonlight grass outside heading towards the privy. Not one to intrude upon the privacies of others I retired to bed and thought no more of it.

The day was once more graced by the sun. Willow and I ventured, at low tide, out onto Broulee Island. We discovered an overgrown path leading into the shrubbery and followed it. I stepped gingerly for fear of treading upon a venomous serpent but one time lifted my gaze from the pathway to see something fearfully staring back at me ahead! Looking over my shoulder Willow whispered “It’s a wallaby.” It hopped off into the thicket startled by our approach.

Reaching the end of the island we stood and looked out across the Specific Ocean and Willow spotted a whale as its back arched out of the water. We watched it rise a few more times before being distracted by a pod of dolphins riding the waves that rolled into towards the shore. I gazed in wonder and thought how different life is here compared to our simple existence at Knob End. We scrambled down to the shoreline and walked back across the rocks. In one of the pools I saw a small octopus grasping at strands of seaweed with its tentacles and it reminded me of Harden Thicke wrestling with the weeds in my own garden.

We stood for awhile and watched the waves come crashing in upon the rocks until one rather large one rolled in and drenched us from head to toe, warning us of the rising tide and suggesting we return home before being cut off.

As we approached the headland I noticed the unmistakable figure of ‘Huge’ Jackman in the distance heading our way upon the beach. We watched as he veered off to the right towards the cliff and disappear from view. When we reached the very same spot we saw large footprints upon the sand leading into a cave in the cliff face. We followed them in for some way but it soon became too dark to venture further. We could hear no sound of him in the gloom ahead.

It is all quite mysterious!

Sunday 14th August 1811

2011-08-14T23:28:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,

I suffered another restless night.

I know not what causes it but when all is still and quiet I hear a distant rumbling from time to time and the very house in which we dwell appears to tremble gently in fear of it.

I swear also that in the night I heard the distant and plaintive mewling of a cat. I crept from my bed and stepped out upon the verandah and peered out into the moonlit grounds beyond the house to listen again. Suddenly there came a wild and terrible hissing and rasping sound from close beside me and I grasped the verandah rail in fear. There, a few feet away, was a cat like beast with a long tail and large eyes but its snout was more protuberant than that of a cat. It was all I could do to grip the rail and stop myself from screaming and waking the rest of my party. The beast stared at me with its round dark eyes and I gathered my wits and gibbering, dashed back to the safety of my boudoir and sought sanctuary beneath my woollen blankets.

In the light of morning I told Willow of the beast and he thought it to be a possum. I was not convinced the harmless and fluffy creature he described was the same as the one I encountered in the night.

Our day was very relaxed and once again filled with pleasant perambulation upon the beach, this time along the beach to the north. We returned for lunch and enjoyed a nourishing salmagundi before, to my great embarrassment, I absent-mindedly locked our room with the only set of house keys inside it.

Luckily, the Orchid sisters had a neighbour, a Mr Jackman who also possessed a set for use in watching over the property whilst they are occupied in Queanbeyan and Willow offered to collect them. Once our own set of keys was freed from their incarceration I offered to return Mr Jackman’s set to him as the whole debacle was of my making.

I found his somewhat unkempt home and knocked upon the door gently for fear of loosening it from its hinges. I was somewhat surprised by the fellow that opened it for he was quite enormous both in height and girth.

“Thank you Mr Jackman,” I smiled handing him back his keys. “You have indeed saved our day.”

I held out my hand again.

”If I may introduce myself, I am Wayne Austen and I bid you good day!”

He did not smile but eyed me suspiciously not unlike that pestilent possum.

“G’Day” he said enveloping my hand in his own. “Everyone calls me ‘Huge’”.

Saturday 13th August 1811

2011-08-13T22:27:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,

I did not sleep well.

It was not due to the sound of the ocean but the strange creaking and sighs this old house makes in the night. It is always thus when I lay down my head in strange surroundings and yet last night I felt it was due to more than unfamiliarity.

We woke this morning to find Sappho gone!

It is a complete mystery and has put a damper on the day. We searched our environs for much of the morning and there was no sight or sound of her. We took the dogs along the beach to the south for some exercise and hoped that upon our return we would find her waiting, mewling upon the threshold of our hilltop house, but it was not to be.

As night enfolds us within its dark shroud she has still not returned. A full moon has risen but can scarcely offer us its light for the threatening clouds that are rolling in from the over the sea.

What has become of poor Sappho?

Friday 12th August 1811

2011-08-12T19:26:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

We are today travelled to Broulee upon the southern coast.

It is a place dear to the hearts of the Orchid sisters.

Our lodgings are small but comfortable and stand upon a headland with magnificent views of the coastline to north and south. All around the house there is a wooden verandah, open to the elements and that is the only way one can access all the rooms. So, for example, if I am feeling a little chill and in need of a jerkin I have to exit the lounge and walk around the verandah and into my bedchamber for the jerkin. The privy is even further away, set apart from the house away towards the cliff edge.

As I put quill to paper now I can hear the restless sea crashing upon the rocks below us. I sincerely hope it does not keep me from sleep.

Joining us on our sojourn by the sea are Cordelia’s puppies Muffy and Buffy, Cosmo’s hound Snatch and their pussy Sappho. Willow has succeeded in building a roaring fire in the hearth, competition indeed for the Specific Ocean outside. Muffy, Buffy, Snatch and Sappho are curled up before it, Willow is fingering a Mandola in the corner and the Orchid sisters are snuggled upon the sofa.

Such a scene of peace and tranquillity there never was.

Thursday 11th August 1811

2011-08-11T23:47:00.004+01:00

Dear Diary,
I was awoken by little Pansy demanding I read her a story whilst Willow snored on. The hour was early but we needed to rise earlier to pack our accoutrements for our journey to Queanbeyan.
When the time came for us to bid our farewell to the Drakesbottoms I was surprised at the depth of my sadness. How strange that one can get so accustomed to new surroundings and the people therein. Little Pansy held out her arms to embrace me and I bent down to allow it. I am not one for the boisterousness of youth and yet I am going to miss little Pansy Drakesbottom. The time spent in her company has been most agreeable.
After Willow had said his goodbyes we boarded the coach and headed south.
Thankfully I had a seat by the window and was well positioned to watch this under world slip trundle by. At times one can forget that one is so far from home so familiar appear the surroundings and then one sees a 'roo' hopping into the undergrowth, startled by our passing and it becomes a very different place indeed.
Yet more of Willow's old acquaintances were there to greet us upon our arrival the charming sisters Cordelia and Cosmo Orchid.
Their abode is high in the hills overlooking Queanbeyan and beyond.
"How do you find our view, Mr Austen?" enquired Cordelia.
"Capital!" I replied, "Just capital!"
A special dinner was thrown in our honour to which a number of guests were invited. Among them a Julia Dullard and a Mr Rabbit. I sensed some animosity between them. In converstation with Mr Rabbit I told him of our journey down from Sydney.
"Indeed," he smiled, "So you have seen a kangaroo and now..." he nodded in the direction of Miss Dullard and affecting a faux Scottish accent, " you have met the 'Ranga Koo'!"

Wednesday 10th August 1811

2011-08-10T17:54:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
A cloudless azure sky greeted me this morning as I flung back the drapes. The day appeared fresh and clear and was a most welcome antidote to the shocking events of the previous night.
I was only allowed breakfast after being pressed by Willow into joining him for a little 'Hokey Pokey' as entertainment for little Pansy, which involved putting body parts in and out and shaking them all about. At home I have been known to take a quick ride on The Knob before breakfast but this kind of exertion at the start of a day was all a bit unnecessary.
I concede one positive outcome of our evening with Lord and Lady Game-Drive was an invitation to visit a private menagerie of an acquaintance of theirs down by the harbour.
We ventured forth in the late morning in the company of Lady Game-Drive, Quinella and little Pansy. The menagerie was a collection of native animals and at last I was able to set eyes upon a wombat and it was not as I had imagined. I marvelled at the size of the emu and would dearly like to see Miss Dixon stuff one of those. Of all the beasts we observed I believe the most endearing to be the koala.
It was a splendid day throughout and sadly our last day for the present with little Pansy. On the ride home she eagerly enquired which animal we had found to be "noice, defferunt, unyousual".
"The Potteroo!" offered Lady Game-Drive.
"Binturong!" I cried.
Lady Game-Drive observed me with some affront.
"Mr Austen," she snapped, "we were asked for our opinion. There was never intended to be a right answer!"
I was at a loss as to how I had offended her.
Tomorrow we are to venture further southward to Queanbeyan.

Tuesday 9th August 1811

2011-08-09T21:38:00.003+01:00

Dear Diary,
How pleasant to be once more within some semblance of civilisation.
After some exploration of the boutiques and tearooms of Newtown we returned to the Drakesbottom residence for a musical interlude with little Pansy regaling us with a song about a 'Kookyborough' or something similar.
Tonight we were invited to dine at the home of Lord and Lady Game-Drive.
Lord Game-Drive or 'Dickie' to his close acquaintances, I found to be rather garrulous and somewhat verbose. Being fond of rum as Lord 'Dickie' most certainly was, meant that he became even more loquacious and ribald as the evening progressed. I had the misfortune of being seated opposite him for dinner but happily placed between Willow and the charming Quinella Crane who has joined us from Queensland.
The menu was unusual but what can one expect when one is so far removed from ones roots. I nibbled only morsels of the 'entree' for much of it was sullied with 'avocado.' I can only describe it as akin to green slime and I have decided I dislike it just as much as cheese. The fish course was divine, Pink Ling, so delicately prepared and presented.
Whilst we were waiting for the main course to arrive which I noted was 'rissoles', a dish I am not familiar with at all, there happened to be a lull in the conversation so I took the opportunity and leaned forward to address our host, 'Dickie Game-Drive;
"Tell me Sir, I am eager to know if you have balls in these parts?" I enquired politely.
Lord 'Dickie' emptied his umpteenth glass of rum and slapped his hand upon the table before rising from his chair and climbing up onto it.
As his hands moved towards his belt I heard Quinella breathe "Oh My!"
Lord 'Dickie' dropped his breeches and called out;
"How's that for a pair of Bobby Dazzlers!"
Heaven knows Lords are not what they used to be!
I could not face my rissoles.

Monday 8th August 1811

2011-08-08T14:28:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
I am gratefully returned to Sydney with the Drakesbottoms and Willow.
We have been two days and nights in the wilderness of the Southern Highlands under canvas in the name of adventure.
Our days were spent walking the escarpments and gullies of this region and I have to say that most of the outcrops here put my Knob to shame with their size.
Many of the vistas we viewed were quite breathtaking and I was often left standing, clinging to a gum tree gasping for air. Whilst we found the days sunny and pleasantly warm, we were left in no doubt that it is still winter here by the chill of the night. I would have attended you, dear dairy, with only a candle for light within my canvas haven but I fear my hands were too cold to hold my quill and the strange and mysterious noises of the night set my nerves on edge and made my fingers tremble so.
As we lay close together for warmth Willow told me of the 'wombat' and the 'dingo' that haunts these parts and his tales did little to quell my trembling.
On one of our forest perambulations to the 'Fairy Bower' he pointed out a large termite mound that was twice his own height and at its base a cavernous hole had been scoured...by 'the wombat', he informed me. How terrible a beast it must be and how large in size, I can scarcely comprehend how it ever manages to fly.
Not only were the nights bitter but they were also lingering. The sun sets at five thirty in the evening and rises once more some thirteen hours later. When light finally returns the dawn chorus begins and such a cacophony you cannot imagine, especially for one such as I who is accustomed to the timid 'tsk, tsk' of a couple of tits and the odd eager cock.
I cannot tell you how happy I was, after the interminably long and frigid nights, to get a hot sausage inside me to start the day in a proper and pleasing fashion.
Little Pansy and her mother seemed most comfortable in these primitive surroundings and I too saw a different side to Willow. He is very knowledgeable about the flora and fauna here which Pansy and I were keen to hear about and learn but after the events of our last night I shall be forever grateful to him;
The darkness had descended upon our final eve and we were readying ourselves for retirement. I wandered from our camp and sought the seclusion of a grassy tussock behind which to change into my nightshirt. Once ready for bed I set about returning to our camp when I found my way barred by a large, brown dog. It made no sound but stared at me intently. I was not unduly concerned at first as I am quite used to my Father's Todger leaping up at me.
"Shoo!" I said, but the beast did not move.
I repeated again, "Shoo!" Yet this time the beast bared its teeth and boldly took a step forward.
Taken by surprise and shocked by its sudden menacing appearance I dropped my clothing upon the ground and retreated a few steps.
The dog trotted forwards and snapped up my undergarments and began to toss them hither and thither about its head before disappearing into the thicket.
"Willow!" I wailed and he was there in an instant. " A dog has taken my underwear, the ones I acquired from 'Sparks and Menser'!" I pointed in the direction it had gone.
Willow bounded after in chase and soon after there came a thrashing sound and some commotion, then Willow cried out before suddenly all fell silent.
I heard my heart pounding in my chest and then Willow was standing before me with my 'Sparks and Menser' undergarment in his outstretched hand.
My hero smiled;
"A dingo stole your underpants. Now there's a tale!"

Friday 5th August 1811

2011-08-05T17:50:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
I am in shock!
It was not the arrival in Botany Bay to discover that Sydney is in fact a town and not a gentleman acquaintance of Willow's that is the cause of my stupefaction. No, it is much more flabbergasting!
I fear I should have paid more attention to the information afforded me a number of years ago by a Mr Midge.T Gemme, who knew Willow long before I.
Mr Gemme spoke of Willow and of what I assumed wrongly to be of his early farming experience when he spoke of him 'sowing wild oats'. He also spoke of a previous engagement to an Edna Drakesbottom. I fear I now catch the gentleman's drift for today I was introduced to Miss Drakesbottom and it would seem that some of the seed Willow has sown has grown to fruition in the form of Pansy Drakesbottom, Willow's daughter!
She has the same blue eyes and his paternity is without question.
I cannot believe he has not mentioned this to me before! It would appear he came to some arrangement with Miss Drakesbottom regarding the child some years ago and yet assures me his heart is still mine.
I must confess the child is delightful and eloquent for one so young. We spent a pleasant day about the harbour walking and sailing and I cannot deny the pleasure I have felt at seeing Willow so happy and the smiles and laughter of father and daughter at their happy reunion.
There is yet more unexpected news, though not of the same magnitude as that I have just revealed to you.
It would appear we are going into the 'bush' tomorrow, camping with Pansy and Edna for two whole days and leaving what passes for civilization behind.
I am endeavouring to quell my apprehension....until my return.....
Adieu.

Thursday 4th August 1811

2011-08-04T14:51:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
Whilst enjoying a breakfast of wiener Willow informed me we are to journey to Sydney.
I have obviously spoken too soon.
I hope I find the fellow agreeable!

Wednesday 3rd August 1811

2011-08-03T18:15:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
Such a day of social intercourse! I am quite dizzy with the fullness of it.
We did manage to slip in a little canasta with Willow's mother betwixt our social engagements.
I must confess the highlight for me was an evening meal with the bewitching Miss Chievious, another acquaintance of Willow's. I am so grateful that they are all in fact ladies who are eager to see him on his return. It could have been so much worse!
Such a lovely evening for a social jaunt, with the moon smiling its toothy grin down upon us.
Such unusual fare we enjoyed prepared by Tibetan Monks! I was intrigued and delighted by the Sherpa Chicken, somewhat wary of the Himalayan Meatballs and positively baulked at the Curried Goat!
Yes! Curried Goat! Goat in a Curry!
I was assured that the monks feast regularly upon goats and they did indeed appear in very good health so I too bravely partook of the unusual meat.
I also sampled one of the meatballs, gently rolling it about upon my tongue before gingerly biting into it. It was quite a pleasant experience though I could not identify its content...that is until the bill arrived and there, to my horror, clearly marked were the words;
"Goat Balls."
I swooned.

Tuesday 2nd July 1811

2011-08-02T17:39:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,

Due to the generosity of Mike Hunt for the loan of a horse and trap we were today able to venture up Camp Mountain.

We took Willow's mother and her elderly acquaintance Lady Constanza Snowdon and packed a picnic lunch.

The journey was tortuous and twisting as we climbed higher and higher through the gum trees. We were serenaded on our ascent by the secretive bell birds with their tinkling, chiming call.

At last we arrived at our destination and found a suitable spot for luncheon.

Scarcely had we unpacked our provisions when we were assailed by an enormous lizard that slunk from the undergrowth and flicked its elongated and forked tongue in the general direction of my cold sausage.

I swear it was as long as Father's Todger though not as broadly built. (Of course I refer to the lizard here and not my sausage.)

How brazen is the wildlife in this place that it has the audacity to venture too close for comfort. Never once have I felt intimidated by a badger in The Nethers!

After luncheon, and after the lizard had retreated, we enjoyed canasta 'al fresco'.

I know not why, even after much correction, that Lady Constanza insisted on referring to me as 'Jim'.

I certainly do not have the appearance or bearing of a 'Jim', nor even the breeding and yet I did not allow it to blemish the day.

We returned to the coastal plains in the afternoon.

As we returned Lady Constanza to her commodious abode I bade her farewell with an avenging smile;

"It has been a such pleasure to meet you Lady Influenza. I am certain you would find the company of Mrs Norris, a good friend of my own mother, most agreeable and therefore, if you are ever in England, I cordially invite you to Far Corfe!"

Monday 1st August 1811

2011-08-01T20:48:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,

I was rudely awakened this morning by a terribly raucous cry!

I shook Willow awake and was trying to describe what I heard when the cry came again. He smiled and informed me that it was the call of a sulphur crested cockatoo. Indeed, I thought, they have much to learn from our thrushes or blackbirds at home with their melodious morning chorals.

How different is the bird life here! I recognise none and am constantly calling upon Willow to name those that we encounter on our daily jaunts!

I am used to sparrows and starlings hopping about Knob End and yet here one can cast aside the curtains and behold a white ibis!

After a hearty breakfast of eggs and ham we ventured to the beach at Sandgate and enjoyed a lunch of fish and fried potatoes.

This evening we were invited to the home of Captain Michael Hunt and he has kindly offered us use of a pony and trap so that we might venture further abroad in the coming days.

After dinner the Captain invited us onto his balcony for drinks and to view the sun set behind the Great Dividing Range.

"How are you finding Queensland, Mr Austen?" the Captain asked.

"How do you say?" I smiled, "noice, defferunt and unusual, Mr Hunt."

"Oh please," he insisted, "Call me Mike. I insist all my friends do."

Suddenly, from somewhere out in the growing darkness there came the most horrendous cry and a squeal escaped my lips and I dropped my glass which shattered upon the wooden floor.

Willow placed a hand upon my arm to calm my nerves and said;

"Its just a Powerful Owl, Wayne."

"Well," I replied "I think I prefer a cockatoo!"

"I guessed as much," said Mike Hunt with a wink.

Sunday 31st July 1811

2011-07-31T13:41:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
Yesterday began very early with a trip to the local market. Such a vast array of fruits and vegetables and a great many that I have never set eyes upon before. We met the delightful Quinella Crane, a good friend of Willow's and meandered in her company. Feeling somewhat peckish we enjoyed a number of sausages of varying thickness and length. A pleasing and welcome breakfast.
We returned later to Acacia Ridge and once again spent an afternoon playing canasta. I cannot say how it happened for it most certainly was not skill, but, happily I gained the upper hand to win the day.
The theme for today has been gardening, gastronomy and gambling. Willow's Kith and Kin arrived to tend to much needed tasks about the family homestead and I even set my hand to weeding. I enjoyed much more success than my recent attempts at Knob End as I donned a pair of gloves.
There may have been thorns but I did not feel a prick.
For lunch we had 'Fried Chook'. It was quite delicious. I know not what 'chook' is and was too polite to ask but it does taste very much like chicken.
After lunch Willow's Kith and Kin admired the gift we had brought for his mother, a book of portraits of us both in various poses about The Nethers. They found it to be " noice, defferunt, unyousual."
Later in the day I was introduced to the intricacies of poker. Willow said a 'straight' was more preferable to a pair of Queens! I found it extremely difficult to comprehend and it all ended with a Royal Flush.

Friday 29th July 1811

2011-07-29T12:31:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
I am in Queensland!
We have arrived at Willow's family homestead here in Acacia Ridge.
What a wild and untamed place this is. On our journey Willow has regaled me with tales of the deadly flora and fauna to expect in these parts. Indeed there are even trees which can sting and cause great discomfort never mind the vast variety of deadly spiders and serpents. Oh heavens! Where have I agreed to come?
Not only that I find that it is winter here! I have relinquished a summer for a winter! Granted the weather thus far has been most agreeable and nought like the winters one expects in the Nethers but it is winter nevertheless.
Whilst sat upon the verandah playing canasta with Willow's mater in the afternoon sunshine a large creature bounded past. I took it to be an excessively large ill-formed rabbit but Willow informed me it was a 'roo'.
'A roo! How lovely!' I exclaimed until I was told that one had molested an old lady quite recently in the region.
Tomorrow we are to the market if I can muster up the courage to venture from the safety of our lodgings.

Thursday 28th July 1811

2011-07-28T19:39:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
How far it is to Queensland!
I am utterly exhausted and on a few occasions have woken to find myself salivating upon Willow's shoulder.
I fear I shall have to remain abed for my first few days there to regain my composure and a demeanour worthy of public intercourse.
Do forgive me if I neglect you in the coming days.
I shall endeavour to keep you informed as often as I might.

Wednesday 27th July 1811

2011-07-27T15:01:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
How great is artistic licence!
We have just passed through some Arabian area and I have seen the biggest erection I have ever set eyes upon. In fact, by all accounts it is the largest in the World!
Let us be reminded that size is not everything and though magnificent I would much prefer to sit upon one of Ned's any time of the day.

Tuesday 26th July 1811

2011-07-26T16:28:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
Our journey has been delayed!
I blame the magpies!
One of the four Arabian horses that was to pull our carriage has lost a shoe!
I fear the blacksmith they called to attend the task must have been a veritable nincompoop, for now we have been told we cannot leave until tomorrow.
We have been given lodgings in Manchesterford in what I can only describe as a penal institution!
My nerves are in pieces, what with these latest events and the knowledge that whilst we are away there is a malodorous an unfettered rodent nibbling away at my Knob End!

Monday 25th July 1811

2011-07-25T14:49:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
We were up with the lark and packed our bags into the phaeton. Ned and Titty came to bid us farewell. He is to busy himself with his erection whilst we are away.
As we finally set off he called out,
"Say hello to all the Queens!"
But I was looking past him for one last look at my Knob End and there, to my horror, sat in the parlour window was that fiendish rodent. The same one I was sure had gone to Far Corfe.
I could swear it was waving at me!
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" I cried all down the drive.

Sunday 24th July 1811

2011-07-24T23:49:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
I am quite exhausted.
The day has been filled with preparations for departure. I have had to ensure that Knob End is clean and tidy from top to bottom. I cannot abide returning from travels to find ones knick knacks out of place.
I hurried to the ladies at Cobbler's End and Miss Lott kindly trimmed my hair.
I had quite forgotten they also enjoyed the pleasures of a pet ferret , the lovely Merkin.
Miss Noring often wears breeches so I enquired as to whether Merkin had free rein in them.
"Good heavens no!" she exclaimed, " though I did try it once but Merkin having been used to hunting rabbits dashed up the nearest hole!" She shook her head gravely. "Never again!"
"You must venture to Knob End while I am away. Harden will be working there and you can ask to see his Dick. I am certain he will let you handle it if you inform him of your experience in these matters." I said.
I called into Thrushcock for yet another round of 'farewells' on my way home.
"Oh, I am glad you called, Wayne. We have received an exciting and unexpected epistle!" Mother twittered.
Fanny rolled her eyes heavenwards and Father stepped forward,
"No need to bother the boy with that now. He has more pressing matters. Be off and enjoy your self my boy!"
"Is it regarding balls?" I whispered to Fanny as I hugged her.
"In some respect," she answered, "but do not fret. I am sure all will be well. Go and enjoy yourself."

Saturday 23rd July 1811

2011-07-23T18:48:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
As our journey to Queensland is imminent we were invited to Thrushcock Grange for dinner with my family and took the opportunity to return Fanny's pussy for which we had no further use.
I cannot say whether Father's Todger leapt up due to the excitement of seeing me or because of the return of Fanny's Tuppence but I do wish it would exercise some restraint. I shall now have to launder my frock coat before our departure and time is pressing as it is!

Friday 22nd July 1811

2011-07-22T21:47:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
My right eye has been most uncomfortable these last few days. When I awoke this morning it was again prickling and I resolved to do something about it.
Willow had already risen and gone to the school room before I stirred. The poor fellow is exhausted but happily it is the final day of this summer term and freedom beckons.
Harden Thicke was already wielding his chopper outside in an attempt to remove a particularly stubborn tree stump. I slipped on my dressing gown and ventured out to see him.
"Would you mind taking a look in my right eye, Harden?" I asked. "I feel a great irritation therein and it is such a dreadful vexation."
He rubbed his calloused hands upon his breeches and lifted the upper lid upon my right eye and gazed into it.
"Can't see owt," he said, "but it is a little red."
I sighed and thanked him for his efforts and decided to call upon Llewelyn Dowd.
I walked to the doctor's house through the woods and met Ned driving some sheep down the lane.
"How was 'er ladyship's visit," he asked.
"Oh Ned, my nerves were in tatters. She almost sat upon Harden's Dick and I had to distract her with my 'Norma Stitts'. Thankfully her visit was short lived due to the inclement weather and she departed, happily, taking the small rodent, that has plagued me these last few days, away upon her new three shilling bonnet."
It was all too much for Ned to take in and I knew I had lost him at 'inclement weather'.
"Are you winking at me again, Mr Austen?" He asked.
"No Ned! I have some irritation in my eye and I am to Llewelyn Dowd this instant. I think you best be off after those sheep."
They had wandered on down the lane and I left him to hurry after them.
Sometime later Doctor Dowd peered into my eye with a large magnifying glass. How strange he looked with one eye enlarged.
"Ah yes, I see," he murmured. "Yes, you have some kind of splinter in your cornea. I'll just remove it. Hold still a moment."
"You are going to remove my cornea?!" I gasped.
"No, Wayne, just the splinter. Hold still!"
He scratched at my eye with a small blunt implement and then rinsed my eye with water.
"Here is the offending item." He lifted it from my lower lid with a handkerchief and held it for me to see.
It was a small brown speck.
"This was embedded in your cornea Wayne!"
I shivered.
How perilous is the world we live in!

Thursday 21st July 1811

2011-07-21T23:08:00.001+01:00

Dear Diary,
I should really be making preparations for our visit to Queensland but I had to spend the morning ensuring all was fit for the arrival of Mrs Norris for luncheon. I called Harden in and excused him from garden duties and asked him to polish my knick-knacks.
I thought it best that he kept his Dick concealed with in his breeches for the duration of Mrs Norris's visit and told him so. He was happy to comply.
Mrs Norris arrived shortly after twelve in her barouche, even though Thrushcock Grange is only a five minute stroll from door to door.
She remained seated until I rushed out to help her down.
"And what do you think to my new bonnet, Wayne dear? I paid all of three shillings for it."
"It is indeed most fetching and the colour compliments your complexion a great deal." I lied. "And now, if you would permit me to show you my Knob End."
"It appears quite cosy Wayne, on first impressions," she remarked. "How many rooms do you have?"
"Suffice for my needs." I smiled and lead her in.
"Where is Woofter? I supposed he might have been here to greet his late Mistress," she bristled.
"He is at work in the schoolroom at Cobbler's Bottom. Did Mother not keep you abreast of all our news?"
"Oh yes, perhaps she did mention something of the sort," she conceded.
I perceived she was underwhelmed by my tour of the house and we retired to the parlour for cucumber sandwiches.
"Who is that fellow out there?" She waggled her fan in the direction of Harden Thicke.
"He is helping to tame the wilderness out there into something more pleasing upon the eye."
He observed us watching him and pointing to his breeches, shook his head and shrugged to indicate something was amiss. I felt a sudden chill pass down my spine.
Mrs Norris moved towards the chaise longue and turned to take her seat at the same instant I noticed Harden's Dick slinking along underneath it.
"Mrs Norris," I blurted, in distraction, "observe my 'Norma Stitts!'
"A pair?" She gasped and tried to conceal her vexation.
She removed her bonnet and made to sit down.
I almost squealed as I noticed the ferret moving along the same seat towards her descending posterior. I closed my eyes and anticipated the scream but when none came opened them to find her seated comfortably with her bonnet placed upon the seat at her side.
There was no sign of Harden's pet.
I offered her a cucumber sandwich and that is when I noticed her bonnet inch a little further along the seat.
I was wondering when this ordeal would end when Mrs Norris spoke.
" I fear the sky is threatening rain again, I think I should be off my dear, I should hate for this bonnet to be ruined. I spent all of three shillings upon it."
She reached out and lifted it onto her head as I held my breath again. Harden's pet scurried off behind a cushion as she rose from the seat.
I followed her to the door and out to her waiting barouche. I helped her up the steps and once seated she looked down upon me and smiled.
"Thank you for your hospitality, dear. I insist you call upon me at Far Corfe when you return from your travels. Good day."
As the barouche departed I began to wave and then my eye was drawn to a slight movement upon her bonnet and there upon the brim sat the very rodent that I have hunted all this miserable week.
My waving suddenly became more effusive and jollier and I fairly skipped back into Knob End.

Wednesday 20th July 1811

2011-07-20T22:28:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
I have requisitioned Fanny's pussy, Tuppence in the search for our tiny intruder. No sight has been seen of the beast since Harden got his Dick out in my bed chamber but I sense it is still there...watching us. My nerves are in tatters and I jump at the slightest noise.
I doubt Fanny's pussy will have any inherent hunting prowess for she spends her life in Fanny's lap being stroked and combed but I hope that her feline presence may induce our rodent to find more amenable accommodation elsewhere.
It is most unfortunate that I have been forced to visit the Grange to fetch her for now we have to endure another unwelcome visitor tomorrow. I had the misfortune of encountering Mrs Norris in the hallway.
"Wayne, dear," she cooed, " I have decided to call upon you tomorrow for luncheon and you can acquaint me with your...er..with your..."
"Knob End?" I offered.
"Yes, dear, your Knob End before I return to my...er....to...erm..."
"Far Corfe!" I snapped.

Tuesday 19th July 1811

2011-07-19T19:55:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,

We have a rodent!

I cannot believe the nerve of the brazen beast!

I awoke this morning, slowly opening my eyes, my head still resting upon my pillow and there it was, not four inches from my nose sat upon its hind legs and nibbling upon some morsel of food.

I let out such a shout and leaped from my bed in horror and when I looked back, the beast was nowhere to be seen.

When Harden arrived I informed him of my predicament and leading him into my chamber urged him immediately to take out his Dick. He acquiesced and we retired downstairs leaving his ferret shut in my bedchamber to sniff out my unwelcome guest.

Harden suggested that all the recent disturbance in the garden had obviously sent the beast running indoors in search of food and shelter.

I fervently hope that Harden's pet finds the creature. I cannot bear to think of it nibbling at my Knob End for the duration of my visit to Queensland with Willow.

I shall perhaps ask my sister Fanny if I might make use of her pussy until the weekend.

Monday 18th July 1811

2011-07-18T21:29:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,

We have received an invitation.

We are to visit with Willow's kith and kin!

It seems they were given free passage to Queensland some years ago at His Majesty's Pleasure.

'Queensland'...How splendid and grand it sounds.

I fancy I shall like it there.

Sunday 17th July 1811

2011-07-17T21:52:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
It was our first visit to Church for some weeks. We walked through the rain to hear the Parson read the story of Noah. It being, perhaps, one of the more interesting biblical tales he still managed to infuse it with a dullness only the clergy appear able to do. I confess I did doze off shortly and was aroused again by hearing the Parson speaking my name. I was mortified that my lack of interest had been noted but was relieved to discover he was saying 'wain' rather than 'Wayne'.
"Congwatulations, Wayne," said the 'Wevewand Wussell Spwout' as he shook my hand as we left. I surmised he was referring to my 'Norma Snose'.
I nodded modestly and we went to speak to the ladies of Cobbler's End, Miss Mona Lott and Miss Constance Noring.
It transpired that Miss Noring now also possessed a 'Norma Snose' due to her neatly trimmed box. We were congratulating her heartily when she suddenly opened her raincoat and revealed a pair of 'Norma Stitts'.
Willow and I were both taken aback.
"And in what class, pray, did you win these?" I gasped.
" They are not mine, dear Wayne," she chuckled, "They are yours! One for your floral arrangement and one for your generously filled cream pie!"
I swear I did not notice the rain as we returned home.

Saturday 16th July 1811

2011-07-16T21:02:00.002+01:00

Dear Diary,
Such a disappointment greeted me as I tossed aside the curtains this morning. To say the weather was inclement would be a gross understatement. There cannot have been more than a drop of rain yesterday but I suspect Swithin's curse is upon us for the next forty days.
Normally one would remain indoors on such a day as this but on this day I was seeking glory and nought was to keep me from that.
I have boots and therefore no fear of a little mud.
Harden Thicke arrived to convey my, surely, prize winning entries up to the fete whilst Willow and I enjoyed a morning of harmonious fingering and blowing.
We ventured forth after midday and rode into Cobbler's Bottom.
The weather had certainly not deterred the good folk of the village and all was a-bustle as we trudged around the sodden field.
Willow left me to meander as he had been called upon to entertain with his oboe.
I encountered Ned casting straw upon the sodden ground in an effort to make the pathways less bemired.
"Good day, Mr Austen," he smiled, " You're trying for a 'Norma' are you?"
By some coincidence many of the prizes given at the annual village fete are named after two late ladies of some consequence around these parts who both possessed the same Christian name...'Norma'.
"Indeed I am, Ned." I replied. "What brings you here on this miserable day?"
"I'm here to show my cock," he answered.
It was just then that I espied Mother and Mrs Norris standing close by the ale tent and wishing Ned good fortune wandered over to pay my respects.
Whilst we were conversing and lamenting the weather a group of Willow's pupils, led by the uncouth Willie Stroker attempted to find shelter beneath Mrs Norris' expansive bosom. I chased them off sharply and then we heard the bell ring to inform us that judging was over and the winners were to be announced.
I left the ladies and hurried off with bated breath. I noticed Harden Thicke standing in the ale tent amongst a group of young men. From the twitches in their breeches they too all possessed lively beasts within.
Oh Joy! I was one of the first names called and presented with the 'Norma Snose' trophy for my 'Duo of fruit and vegetables' which the judges described as 'magnificently presented.'
I hurried away from the prize giving to find Willow and share with him the good news.
Later we discovered Ned's cock won best in show and just as we were leaving to return to the warmth of Knob End, we once more encountered Mother and Mrs Norris. Mrs Norris was proudly carrying a trophy of her own which she had won for her embroidery.
"Mrs Norris!" I exclaimed, "you have a Norma Snose!"
"No, Wayne dear," she beamed, " I have a Norma Stitts!"

Friday 15th July 1811

2011-07-15T17:03:00.001+01:00

Dear Dairy,
It is Cobbler's Bottom Village Fete tomorrow.
Mrs Crutchlow has been here for much of the afternoon baking buns and cakes and pies that I shall enter into the various produce classes. I hope to win a trophy or two for display upon my chimney-piece.
I myself rode to Netherton and chose two of the most perfect potatoes and a beautiful cucumber for the 'Duo of Fruit and Vegetables' Class from the town's most reputable grocers, Sparks and Menser, or 'S and M' as we locals like to refer to it.
This evening Titty Reckson arrived to create my simple yet dramatic floral display of teasles and pansies.
I am surely to return with some recognition of my efforts.

Thursday 14th July 1811

2011-07-14T18:32:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary,
Llewellyn Dowd called at Knob End this morning. I had forgotten to provide him with the list of comestibles he had asked for to ascertain the cause of Willow's alarming engorgement. I invited him in for tea and he stood, cup in hand, at the parlour window watching Harden Thicke tugging at the sticky willy.
"There's lovely" he mused. "What a fine fellow, Mr Austen."
"Indeed, Dr Dowd, he is certainly making short shrift of my unwanted flora and you would never guess what surprising beast he keeps down those tightly fitting breeches."
Dr Dowd suddenly spluttered and began to cough most alarmingly. I took his cup quickly for fear he would spill upon my new woollen rug and placed it safely upon the table before patting his back helpfully.
He soon recovered his composure but was still quite red in the face.
"Thank goodness," I smiled, "I was just contemplating sending Harden for the Doctor."
I chuckled at my own quip but Llewellyn Dowd, still ruddy, reached for his bag and left, thanking me for the tea.
I returned to the chaise longue and buried myself in 'Fatherless Fanny'.